What should i do????

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

chrys3434 :  You don’t know he’s a single dad.  You don’t know if he’s single. You don’t know if he has one child or seventeen. You don’t know he bought a flat. You don’t know anything about him except that those are the details of the story he told you, he’s a good kisser and he asked you to go to a hotel. 

Just like when you interview a person for a job, their resume is their story.  You can’t substitute it for your knowledge.  The only things that will help you suss out whether someone is telling the truth is time and experience.  Over time, people show themselves– the guy who is after sex primarily will continue to look for sex or move on. 

Experience means: what have you seen with your own eyes?  Have you asked enough questions or been in enough situations to tell whether the story he is telling is the truth?  (Example:  guy says he’s a doctor.  Does he have the shifts or lifestyle that’s compatible with his doctor story?  When you ask him about work, describe a workplace that’s consistent with him being a doctor? When you google him, does he show up as a doctor multiple places?)

There is no shortcut to letting people prove themselves.  There are only shortcuts for writing people off or making mistakes. That’s one really good reason to “multi date” as you put it.  If it takes three or more months for you to get a better sense through time and experience if ANY of what this guy is saying is truthful, you will have spent 1/4 of your year on him.  If you spend your year meeting, going to dinner with, and getting to know several guys, you’ll spend less of your emotional energy on any of them prematurely.  

Post # 32
Member
969 posts
Busy bee

Yeah, don’t text or contact him. This smells bad. 

If he get’s in touch with you I would just respond that you don’t think it’s a good fit and bid him goodbye. Keep it short and sweet. I wouldn’t go into it any further with reasons about what he said or how he acted. 

Your guy’s out there, don’t waste another moment this one.

Post # 34
Member
471 posts
Helper bee

chrys3434 :  

For me the first warning sign was that you had to schedule the second date and that he cancelled it a few hours before. I know he said it was an urgent “work issue” that came up, but in my experience, interested guys don’t do that (make you schedule the second date or cancel it). 

The second warning sign was that you did 50/50 initiating of texting and that this eventually became you doing most of the initiating. Girl, this is never a good idea. I know it sounds old fashioned, but in the very early stages, you have to let the guy do the pursuing. Because that is the only way you can tell how interested he is and how much effort he’s willing to make.

Third, he has not set up a third date and you haven’t hear from him.

You can actually stop the bus right here.

You don’t even need to go into his weird suggestion of getting a hotel room on your second date and his creepy “explore each other” and “lying in bed together” texts, which would be a no all on their own.

Post # 35
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

kittycatcat :  That’s what I’m thinking too

Post # 36
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Oh honey…….NO MAN INVITES A WOMAN TO A HOTEL ROOM JUST  TO “CUDDLE” AND “KISS”….

He just wanted to test you and see where your mind was and when you stated it was a “no go” he decided to play along. If he just wanted to enjoy your presence in an innocent way than you two probably could have just went to his place (even if he lives with his parents) or why not your place? Does he think so little of you that he just wants to take you to a hotel, do the business and then go on his merry way? I can bet with a fair amount of certainty had you went all the way with him that night you probably would have never heard from him again as he would have gotten what he wanted. IMO he seems to be keeping on to you now hoping that he will still get what he’s after but in the mean time he’s probably also seeing other women.

Most men that are “respectable” or serious about you don’t make such advances so early on in a relationship (if you can even call it that). During my dating years if a man said “I want you to come with me elsewhere because I live with my parents” it immediately made me think he wanted sex, and I was always right.

However, I could be wrong, WE ALL could be wrong as none of us know his real intentions but based on what you’ve told us here this is my opinion.

Post # 37
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

chrys3434 :  Ew. This is too soon to be worrying about anything.

He only wants sex, that’s why he keeps bringing it up. “I don’t want sex” means “I want a blowjob”, and hotel rooms are for hookers. He doesn’t want you to know where he lives because he doesn’t want strings. He is messing with you and he doesn’t care about getting to know you.

He does not value you. Run.

Post # 38
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

chrys3434 :  I’m also adding that plenty of guys say they don’t just want sex when they actually do.

If you just want casual sex, find a guy who is less of a dork about it and will take some action.

If you want a relationship, find a guy who doesn’t talk about sex before the 3rd to 5th date.

Post # 39
Member
739 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

chrys3434 :  Ick, I would not go out with him again. Hes very pushy for sex and that doesnt sound like what you want. Dump this guy.

Post # 40
Member
969 posts
Busy bee

 

desiderata :  Note to self…An apostrophe in “gets” ? I am so sorry people. My fingers are soooo much faster than my brain…. I apologise for all past and future stupid errors such as this. 

 

Post # 42
Member
10196 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Good lord.  Wtf is going on out there?

So, some guys are looking to get laid, they don’t, and they ghost.  Some guys are looking to get laid, they do, and they ghost.

It was ever thus.

This is not an online phenomenon.  It’s not a 2019 phenomenon.  Caveman Og pulled this shit, too.  It’s called “dating”.

 Bees, for the love of gawd, stop chasing these guys.

It is not going to get you a good outcome.   But, it is costing you. He is not dead/lying in the hospital/too busy/too in awe of your awesomeness/afraid of his feelings.

Here is the real reason he hasn’t made contact:  he doesn’t want to.

We’ll never know why.  The possibilities are close to infinite. 

Either learn to shake this shit off or extract yourself from the dating pool.

Feel free to rant and vent here all you want.  But, quit reaching out to guys who clearly are not into it. Men who want to see you again will go to amazing lengths to make that happen.

Not many guys are going to straight up tell you:  Sorry, but I’m not really interested. They assume you’ll get the idea eventually.

Emotionally immature jerks play phone games, making you think they’re interested with no follow through. They’re not really into you, but hate to drop a prospect just in case nobody else shows up.

The best dating advice I ever got came from a very good, totally platonic male friend.  We spent many hours babysitting each other through failed relationships and potential startups.  After watching me go through all of the traditional female windups for the nth time, trying to decode some new guy’s behavior and gauge his level of interest, my friend said:  Until the guy actually asks you out on an real date, none of it means anything.

I learned over many years that he was right

Post # 43
Member
471 posts
Helper bee

sassy411 :  

Yeah. I am struck by how much effort the OP put into this.

It probably doesn’t strike her as a lot, but compared to his effort, it’s monumental. 

After all of that nonsense with the second date and then not texting her afterwards, she still texted him to ask if he wants to go out for a beer.

She has been chasing, chasing, chasing this guy who is doing nothing.

Women have been sold such a lie that it’s fine to do this. Because a guy who is putting in no effort now is not going to magically start putting in the effort in a few weeks’ time. If she wants a man she has to drag along like a dead animal then sure, this is a fine strategy.

But if she wants a guy who is going to put time and effort into actually dating her and treating her properly, then this is what she needs to look for. And yes, men show their interest and commitment by the effort they make to see you.

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