Post # 1
Hmmmm…I so was going to initially write this under a pseudo name but I figured what the hell…
So I got laid off about a year and a half ago (amidst wedding planning) 🙁 but luckily our company gave us a pretty good severance package and we were able to make do…fast forward to about a year later severance runs out but whoo hooo! I get a job back at the same company that previously laid me off…but it’s in a different position doing part-time work. So I hustle until I can find something more permanent. Score! lucky me after working 8 months, I get offered my dream job, but its working in NY. So me and hubs would have to move. Problem. Hubs doesn’t want to move. Nor would he have a job. His family lives here in DC and he doesn’t want to “leave them”. I explain that this is an opportunity of a lifetime and that I would be able to be a stay at home mother with this job. Score! Problem: Hubs does. not. want. to. leave. DC. I speak with my would-be boss to explain that I wont be able to take the position and we probably wont be moving and he tries to see if he can pull some strings to get him a job at the company working in IT because he thinks its a “job” issue…So what should I do?
I need an objective ear…everyone that I talk to thinks my husband is crazy, but he really feels the need to stay close to his parents…I don’t have that same need since I went away to college, but he didn’t…he is born and raised and went to college here…
so to those of you that have stayed in the same place and don’t want to move, what would you think if your SO wanted to pack bags and leave because of a job? Would you leave, or would you stay and for what reasons?
I guess I just really need some support too because this was basically a dream job that I see going down the tubes… 🙁
Post # 3
I think this is a really personal issue. With that said, I would see about finding a place in the middle and commute via train. It would suck but might work? Tell him that you two need to compromise, that your job prospects do not look very good in D.C.
Post # 4
hmmm this is a really tough issue but personally i’m with your Hubs on this one. To me family is super important. I want to have the sort of family relationship that is only possible with close physical proximity. I want my brother to drop by and hang out on a tuesday. I want my mom to be a call away to come babysit my hypothetical future children. I told FH very early on in our relationship that I do not forsee myself moving anywhere that is too far away from my parents that I can just hop in the car and swing by their house on a whim. While he does not have the same relationship with his family nor the same need for closeness, he understand that this is very important to me and this is something that is not negotiable. He is currently looking to switch jobs and while there are goo opportunities elsewhere, he is not looking into them.
While a dream job is certainly an amazing thing, I believe the MOST important thing in life are the people we love and our relationship with them. There will always be other jobs but family is irreplaceable.
Post # 5
I was told by my Fiance that he will not leave where we live because his mom is here and there is no other immediate family for him. I don’t think he would even consider it until she passes away which I pray will be a very long time. I don’t know that I would be able to have my dream job where I currently live but I am willing to wait until later in life so he can be near his mom. I love her dearly and wouldn’t want to put a strain on our relationship because we moved for me. I don’t know if that make a lot of sense but it is just the way I have started to feel. I don’t want to live in my current area the rest of my life but I am willing to scrifice for my FH.
Post # 6
@beekiss I doubt there will be any compromise…we would have to move to probably philly and even that’s too far for him…
@meowkers yeah…i wasn’t particularly looking for a job in another city…the job that was in DC moved to NY and they asked me if I wanted to take it over…
@goodart what if hubs said he still didn’t want to move after his mom passed? what would you do? What if he said his ties to the city would be too strong to leave by then…
Post # 7
I would be a hurt even though I understand his reasonings. Will he not even move away temporarily? Just getting your foot in the door at a dream job might be great even if it’s just for a year or two.
Post # 8
@ troubled…no he won’t…I asked him if we could live there for 2-3 years then we try to move back, but he sites the “him having no job” issue in addition to “his parents/family needs him here” as the reason he wouldn’t want to move in the first place…
I guess I just don’t know what they “need” from him…his parents are no where near sick, deathly or dying, he has absolutely no relationship with his brothers (i.e. his brother didn’t even invite him to his triplets 1st birthday party) and he see’s his extended family once in a blue moon…I guess I just don’t see what couldn’t be fixed in weekend visits…DC to NY is only 4 hours away…
Post # 9
How long have you discussed this with him? Would it be inappropriate to discuss this with your inlaws? how about a neutral third party like a therapist? It seems he’s not able to compromise and that’s really not good at all.
Post # 10
Considering it is only a 4 hour distance, I’m with you on this one. I would move anywhere with Darling Husband, because he IS my family and nothing is more important than being with him. He feels the same about me. Right now we live in the same city as both our families, which I really like, and we aren’t looking to move but if one of us got a great job in a city only 4 hours away I don’t think we would hesitate. The move doesn’t have to last forever (you can easily move back if it doesn’t work out, or when you’re ready or when the parents DO need you) but a good career choice will have an impact for your entire working life. That’s how I see things anyway, I’m not sure how you go about compromising with your Darling Husband when he seems so adamant…I wonder if there is another reason he doesn’t want to move he’s not saying (like is he feeling a bit threatened that it’s YOU who got the great job offer, rather than him?) Good luck!
Post # 11
I’m with you on this one. This would really bug me. You are your husband’s family now and he needs to be a little more flexible! I’m not sure what I would suggest, but definitely don’t give up on your dream job yet. How long have you been discussing it? Is there any chance he’ll warm up to the idea?
Post # 12
Yeah, I’m also with you on this one. I understand his concerns, but you aren’t proposing a move to LA.
You mentioned that you could be a Stay-At-Home Mom with this job. Does that mean that you could also work from home? Or just in a few years? Could you pitch it to him as a short-term move, and you will go back once you are established? Is there any chance you could work from home Mondays and Fridays, and take the train in and work in NY Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays for a year?
Post # 13
I am with you too! He seems to be acting very selfishly on this one! He won’t even consider compromising – which to me is a problem!
I am REALLY close with my family and they are a two hour drive away. The physical distance does NOT need to cause a distance in the relationship he has with his family. Istill meet my mom (half way) in the middle of the week for dinner and a movie sometimes!
It’s definitely doable, but he needs to open up to the idea.
Post # 14
I just wanted to add, I am a 14 hours drive, almost 2 hour plane ride from my family and we are extremely close. I agree with the pp who said physical distance does not need to cause distance in the relationship.
Post # 15
Honestly, we were in the exact same position last summer. My husband could not find a job where we were living and we had to move across the country to Alabama. I am not a Southern person, not a humidity person, just overall not a happy person. But I did it. You know why? Because it was a great opportunity for him and I knew that my career was more easily transferrable. And now I have a pretty good job offer myself. So things all work out. I know it’s hard being away from family but sometimes it’s a good thing to be on your own without having that safety net.
Post # 16
Ugh. I was upfront about things and told my fiance, then boyfriend, that I would never sacrifice my education and/or job for anyone. I relocated 3 hours away to attend grad school. During that time he proposed to me. I’m not going to lie though – at first he was sad and thought I was leaving because I didn’t want to be with him. That was a load of bull and it took a few months for me to nail into his head that I was doing this because I was pursuing options that were best for me. I now have a HUGE job opportunity that would never have opened up if I had not gone away for school.
My thoughts are that no one will ever look out for me as much as I can look out for myself (selfish sounding, but true). My guy respects me for that. This is YOUR dream job. This is your opportunity.
Lots of people get mad about this because we women are apparently supposed to stand by our men and follow their career paths, not our own. I have had some women chastise me (never men!) because they don’t understand how I could even leave my guy behind to pursue school and a job.
In my situation, the dynamics of my relationship allowed me to relocate without a huge amount of guilt. I don’t know how your relationship would fair. Would your guy leave his family behind and relocate a few hours away if he was offered his dream job? If your answer is “probably” or “yes”, then why shouldn’t you do the same?