(Closed) What should I do?

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I think this is a really personal issue.  With that said, I would see about finding a place in the middle and commute via train.  It would suck but might work?  Tell him that you two need to compromise, that your job prospects do not look very good in D.C.

Post # 4
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

hmmm this is a really tough issue but personally i’m with your Hubs on this one.  To me family is super important.  I want to have the sort of family relationship that is only possible with close physical proximity.  I want my brother to drop by and hang out on a tuesday.  I want my mom to be a call away to come babysit my hypothetical future children.  I told FH very early on in our relationship that I do not forsee myself moving anywhere that is too far away from my parents that I can just hop in the car and swing by their house on a whim.  While he does not have the same relationship with his family nor the same need for closeness, he understand that this is very important to me and this is something that is not negotiable.  He is currently looking to switch jobs and while there are goo opportunities elsewhere, he is not looking into them.

While a dream job is certainly an amazing thing, I believe the MOST important thing in life are the people we love and our relationship with them.  There will always be other jobs but family is irreplaceable.  

Post # 5
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I was told by my Fiance that he will not leave where we live because his mom is here and there is no other immediate family for him.  I don’t think he would even consider it until she passes away which I pray will be a very long time.  I don’t know that I would be able to have my dream job where I currently live but I am willing to wait until later in life so he can be near his mom.  I love her dearly and wouldn’t want to put a strain on our relationship because we moved for me.  I don’t know if that make a lot of sense but it is just the way I have started to feel.  I don’t want to live in my current area the rest of my life but I am willing to scrifice for my FH.

Post # 7
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee

I would be a hurt even though I understand his reasonings.  Will he not even move away temporarily?  Just getting your foot in the door at a dream job might be great even if it’s just for a year or two.

Post # 9
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

How long have you discussed this with him?  Would it be inappropriate to discuss this with your inlaws?  how about a neutral third party like a therapist?  It seems he’s not able to compromise and that’s really not good at all.

Post # 10
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee

Considering it is only a 4 hour distance, I’m with you on this one. I would move anywhere with Darling Husband, because he IS my family and nothing is more important than being with him. He feels the same about me. Right now we live in the same city as both our families, which I really like, and we aren’t looking to move but if one of us got a great job in a city only 4 hours away I don’t think we would hesitate. The move doesn’t have to last forever (you can easily move back if it doesn’t work out, or when you’re ready or when the parents DO need you) but a good career choice will have an impact for your entire working life. That’s how I see things anyway, I’m not sure how you go about compromising with your Darling Husband when he seems so adamant…I wonder if there is another reason he doesn’t want to move he’s not saying (like is he feeling a bit threatened that it’s YOU who got the great job offer, rather than him?) Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
4385 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’m with you on this one. This would really bug me. You are your husband’s family now and he needs to be a little more flexible! I’m not sure what I would suggest, but definitely don’t give up on your dream job yet. How long have you been discussing it? Is there any chance he’ll warm up to the idea?

Post # 12
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Yeah, I’m also with you on this one. I understand his concerns, but you aren’t proposing a move to LA.

You mentioned that you could be a Stay-At-Home Mom with this job. Does that mean that you could also work from home? Or just in a few years? Could you pitch it to him as a short-term move, and you will go back once you are established? Is there any chance you could work from home Mondays and Fridays, and take the train in and work in NY Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays for a year?

Post # 13
Member
6597 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am with you too! He seems to be acting very selfishly on this one! He won’t even consider compromising – which to me is a problem!

I am REALLY close with my family and they are a two hour drive away. The physical distance does NOT need to cause a distance in the relationship he has with his family. Istill meet my mom (half way) in the middle of the week for dinner and a movie sometimes!

It’s definitely doable, but he needs to open up to the idea.

Post # 14
Member
4385 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I just wanted to add, I am a 14 hours drive, almost 2 hour plane ride from my family and we are extremely close. I agree with the pp who said physical distance does not need to cause distance in the relationship.

Post # 15
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Honestly, we were in the exact same position last summer.  My husband could not find a job where we were living and we had to move across the country to Alabama.  I am not a Southern person, not a humidity person, just overall not a happy person.  But I did it.  You know why?  Because it was a great opportunity for him and I knew that my career was more easily transferrable.  And now I have a pretty good job offer myself.  So things all work out.  I know it’s hard being away from family but sometimes it’s a good thing to be on your own without having that safety net.

Post # 16
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ugh.  I was upfront about things and told my fiance, then boyfriend, that I would never sacrifice my education and/or job for anyone.  I relocated 3 hours away to attend grad school.  During that time he proposed to me. I’m not going to lie though – at first he was sad and thought I was leaving because I didn’t want to be with him.  That was a load of bull and it took a few months for me to nail into his head that I was doing this because I was pursuing options that were best for me.  I now have a HUGE job opportunity that would never have opened up if I had not gone away for school.

My thoughts are that no one will ever look out for me as much as I can look out for myself (selfish sounding, but true).  My guy respects me for that.  This is YOUR dream job.  This is your opportunity. 

Lots of people get mad about this because we women are apparently supposed to stand by our men and follow their career paths, not our own.  I have had some women chastise me (never men!) because they don’t understand how I could even leave my guy behind to pursue school and a job. 

In my situation, the dynamics of my relationship allowed me to relocate without a huge amount of guilt.  I don’t know how your relationship would fair.  Would your guy leave his family behind and relocate a few hours away if he was offered his dream job?  If your answer is “probably” or “yes”, then why shouldn’t you do the same?

The topic ‘What should I do?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors