(Closed) What should I do? Am I overreacting? Sorry…long one

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m so sorrrrrrry you’re going through this. How awful. It clearly sounds like you guys were having troubles and for some reason he was not comfortable communicating his feelings to you, so instead found this other woman to confide in. Super brutal.

If I were you I would ask him to leave. If you want to work on the relationship, that’s up to you. I you do pursue the relationship Iwould definitely recommend counselling so you can both work on your communication problems. 

I am the type of person who has zero tolerance with cheating and, to me, this is emotional infidentility. I wouldn’t stand for it.

Post # 4
2633 posts
Sugar bee

Eeekkkk – this is hard.  I’d have trouble trusting him again as well.  If you want to work this out, I’d suggest the two of you attend pre-marital counseling. 


Make it clear that texts like that from another woman will NOT be tolerated.  And I’d also tell him at least for the time being that he has NO expectation of privacy.  If you want to see his phone whenever he has to hand it over. 

What does your GUT say?  I’m a big believer in listening to your gut.

Post # 5
624 posts
Busy bee

He has been confiding in her about our relationship troubles.  I asked him how we can fix our troubles if he is clearly only talking to her about them.

Heck I would be livid for DH going to someone else about our problems.  They should remain between the couple…no one needs to know about our dirty laundry.  So I don’t think you are overreatcing.  And yes trust has been completely broken here.

But seriously, what friends say to each other “I want to have your babies”?  Are YOU sure this was actually the friend?  Did you check other messages?

Post # 6
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry, but “I luv you sweetness” and “I want to have your babies” are not things a girl says to someone who a guy just talks about his feelings with.

I think your Fiance is lying to you.  If you are having a hard time trusting him, your gut is probably right.  If my SO and I were having problems he certainly wouldn’t be confiding in a female friend I didn’t know, and if he was it would be someone who would respect me enough not to send text messages like that.  You can guarentee those texts weren’t the first, nor the last he’s gotten from her.

If he doesn’t stop ALL communication with her instantly, I would ask him to leave. Your relationship with him should be worth more than his ‘friendship’ with an old high school friend who lives hundreds of miles away.

Post # 7
2536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow, I’m so sorry. Honestly, i don’t think that I’d be ablet o go on in the relationship because physical contact is one thing, but emotional is a whole other level. Really think about this.

Post # 8
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

This is a tough situation.  I do not think you are overreacting though!  He is basically having an emotional affair with another woman – cheating does not have to be purely physical.

I would ask him to move out or at least stay somewhere else for a few days.  You need time to think about what you want – whether you think this is worth working through with your Fiance or not.  Once you know the answer, you can go from there.  Yes – it is going to take time to build that trust again but you are the only one who knows if you think you can make it work.  You will also at some point (maybe not right away, so you both can have some time to clear your heads) talk to your Fiance about the communication issues and see if he wants the same things that you do.  If you decide to work it out, make sure you are both aware of the guidelines of your relationship and that if either of you has problems, you talk to each other NOT a friend or girl or whatever.  

Ultimately, you are the one who knows what you can and can’t live with.  I wish you the best and hope you realize what you need to do to make yourself happy again – whether that is with him or without him.

Hugs 🙂 

Post # 9
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Those messages don’t sound to me like he’s merely confiding his relationship difficulties with this woman. Regardless, the only woman he should be talking about his relationship with is YOU. He’s very defensive (as well as hostile), which suggests to me it is not innocent at all, whether or not anything physical has happened at this point.

I know what I would do, but I don’t know enough about you or him to make the call. I think definitely he needs to move out … you need to be alone to process this and decide what you want to do. Also, that might put the fear of God in him, if he really wants to make it work with you. If after some separate reflection, you both genuinely want to work this out, then you’ll probably need to do some heavy duty counselling.

You’ve been blindsided right now, so take some time. Trust your instincts.

(((hugs))) & praying for you.

Post # 10
529 posts
Busy bee

How can your relationship continue to grow if he is confiding in someone else and not you? It sounds like you are being the mature one and he is running away to cry to someone else.

Post # 11
14 posts
  • Wedding: April 2011

If he was confiding in someone else about the relationship, “I want to have your babies” is NOT constructive at all in any way to helping his relationship! It is the exact opposite, trying to get him to want to be with her instead of you! And if my Fiance allowed another woman to talk to him in that way I would leave immediately. That is absolutely disrespectful to you. This does not sound like just an old friend that he confides with, she is flirting with him in an very open & not subtle way. & He knows that!! or else he wouldn’t be so defensive!!

Sorry, I’ve been through this type of situation before & as hard as it is for you to see it now, you would be much better off without this guy who doesn’t have enough respect for you to stop flirting with other women when he’s ENGAGED to you!!

Post # 12
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020 - Coyaba Resort, Montego Bay

You are definitely NOT overreacting!  Her responses clearly do not resemble a conversation about relationship troubles…

So sorry to hear this 🙁 But you are right to ask him for his key & to pack and leave. & you can always come to the hive for support.  Good luck!

Post # 13
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

“Even though there has been no physical contact, I feel like I have been cheated on.”

I think that sentence tells you all you really need to know about the situation.  And for the record, so would I.

Agree with the previous posters that he ought to move out for a bit.  You deserve to have time and space alone to consider your options.

Post # 14
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Please don’t take any of this lightly! If he’s anything like an ex I had who was cheating throughout our relationship, he will say anything he can to downplay what you found. Heck, I found conversations on the computer my ex was having with girls about how we were broken up and i was a bit*h and talking about meeting up and because I thought I loved him so much, I believed him when he told me that his friend hacked his account. There were so many other things and I always went back until it got to the point when I caught him in the act.. you don’t want to be put through something like that, believe me. Like the above people say, trust your gut. If I had,, I would have been out of that relationship after 2 months rather than riding it out and wasting 9. And this was just a bf. Yours is supposed to be your husband in a couple months. I would break it off and move somewhere else and change my number, but that’s just me. Protect your heart from future heartbreaks with this guy!

Post # 15
14 posts
  • Wedding: December 2010

Your Fiance is interested in someone who actually says “i want to have your babies” and you don’t know what to do?

Kick him to the curb and never look back.

Post # 16
272 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through!  One thing caught my eye: “I figured this was it.  This was my biggest fear and it was happening.” Was his cheating something that you have been dreading all along? Has he given you reason in the past to have even whispers of doubt about his fidelity to you?

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