Post # 1
So I have a friend, let’s call her M. M has been my best friend since we were 5. I met my hubby through her and her ex-FI (my husband’s cousin). M and I got engaged around the same time and planned wedding dates around the same time. Unfortunately, M and her Fiance broke everything off and no longer are in touch. A couple months after M and her Fiance broke up, M found out she was pregnant. At the end of her 1st trimester, M’s father died. When I found out he passed, I rushed to her house, made sure to take off work for the funeral and hung out with her as much as possible. M was very sick through her entire pregnancy and obviously had a very rough couple of months.
So, time for my wedding, my husband and I decided to have our ceremony at his cousin’s farm (M’s ex FI). When M found out, she freaked out, telling me that I was the worst friend ever and how she could never forgive me. I apologized and told her that it was my wedding and I would still love to have her as a bridesmaid. She later apologized and we worked everything out, we even tried to alter her dress to fit her pregnant belly.
Come the day of the wedding and M is nowhere to be found. I was crushed. I had tired my hardest to be there for her in her darkest times and she was nowhere to be found on my happiest day. I received a message at 10:30 the night of my wedding from M saying that she was really sick because of her baby and all the stress and she was so sorry that she didn’t make it and that she had my present that she would come over and drop off. I believed her, that was a reasonable excuse to not be there. I knew how sick she had been and accepted that. Come two weeks later, a friend and I run into M’s little sister, we ask how M is doing and if she’s feeling better from the day of the wedding. M’s little sister replies "Oh she wasn’t sick at all, she was at my boyfriend’s older sister’s wedding all day long."
To say the least I am heartbroken over this. I love M but I don’t know if I can handle a relationship with her. With her baby due soon and all the showers, I really want to be involved but don’t know if I can do it. I need some advice Hive! Should I just forget about being friends with her or forgive her and try and fix the relationship?
Post # 3
This is a really tough situation. I’m not sure she’s worth devoting all of your time and energy to her when she refuses to reciprocate. I would politely refuse to plan (if she asks), especially since she has a sister who should be able to do most of it, but if you’re invited go ahead and go. I would try to keep things friendly, but make sure that you’re not putting a lot more into the friendship than you’re going to get back, if you do you’re just setting yourself up to be hurt more.
Post # 4
Well, she should have been more honest with you. However, I can also see how she might simply really not have wanted to be at any event with her ex-FI, particularly an event apparently hosted in part by him. It’s clearly been less than a year since they broke up. You don’t say what their relationship is currently – whether he is proposing to help with the baby, financially or otherwise – or why they broke up. It would be nice if everybody separated so congenially that it wasn’t a problem for them to socialize just a few months later, but we all know that doesn’t always happen. Particularly with a baby involved, I would expect there to be some hard feelings – and it sounds like (from her initial reaction) there were.
It’s possible that she really wanted to suport you, and sort of let you talk her into it, but at the last moment just couldn’t face it. Should she perhaps have thought more about your feelings? Sure. But I think that perhaps you should have thought more about her feelings before you chose her ex’s place as the venue. Honestly, if it was me, I would have backed out at that point and told you to find another Bridesmaid or Best Man. I think that she let you down, but I also think that you put her in a really bad situation, without a lot of thought for her feelings. If you want to remain friends, there is probably some forgiveness required on both sides.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2007 - Bride's family summer home in the Adirondacks
That’s horrible that she lied, and I too would be completely heartbroken!! However, given her tough past few months, I think you should talk to her and depending on what she says, see if you can forgive her. (Definitely don’t give her a free pass though!!) My guess is that she was just too overwhelmed with the baby and her father and the idea that her own wedding was supposed to be right then, that she just couldn’t face it. Everything seemed to be going perfectly for you and everything was falling apart for her. Then, her sister says "well come to my boyfriend’s sister’s wedding" and she just kind of figured that was better than staying in the house and moping. If that is at all what happened, then I’d tryyy to find it in my heart to forgive her… but if any of it was premeditated or out of malice I don’t think I could. She had to know how hurtful that would be for you and the only possible excuse in my mind is that she was really just too depressed to deal with it at the time. So just try talking to her and see, I think…
Post # 6
I agree with suzanno. Try to see this issue from both sides and realize that your friend is/has been going through some pretty rough times. This doesn’t negate the fact that she lied to you. That is obviously wrong of her and hurtful. But try and keep the lines of communication open – as those lines can break down so easily. It sounds like you really care for your friend. Talk to her. Try and work it out.
Post # 7
Forgive her…long lasting friendships like you have with M are rare. Life is hard and we mess up…and it sounds like she has had about the toughest year possible – broken engagement, father passing away, going through pregnancy alone…even though she wasn’t honest and let you down, I feel she definitely gets a pass here.
I dont’ think I’d be strong enough to attend my best friend’s wedding at my ex-FI’s place under the circumstances you described M was facing. I would definitely find something else to do that night other than being alone. She should have been honest from the outset, and you are rightfully heartbroken and feel betrayed by her dishonesty, but I would forgive her. She probably wasn’t emotionally prepared to handle the situation and messed up by not being completely honest with you…
It’s obvious you care about M very much, so I think you will regret it if you are not involved in planning her baby shower and helping her welcome the baby. Given the year she has had, I think you will regret not bringing some much needed celebration and joy in her life when she really needs it most.
Post # 8
Man I love you guys!!! I wish I could tell you the whole history of me and M. I do love her dearly and she’s one of the only people that I can talk to about anything, anytime, no matter what. The problem is that when we become close again (this whole growing apart and then coming back together thing has happened many times), I always feel like I’m putting way more effort into the relationship then she is. I guess I just feel that I can’t be her backup friend anymore. I need to feel like she cares about me as much as I care about her.
Thank you so much for the advice everyone! Maybe I’ll take her out for ice cream and we will talk. 🙂
Post # 9
O.k. voice of dissent here. Friendships shouldn’t involve drama. They shouldn’t drain you, stress you, worry you. And you shouldn’t feel like you’re putting way more into a friendship then someone else. I’d start distancing myself. If your friendship is valuable to her she’ll come and find you.
Post # 10
Your friend may have thought that she could handle going to her ex-FI’s place to be your Bridesmaid or Best Man, but when the moment actually arrived she freaked out and bailed. To spare your feelings she said she was sick. I think expecting her to go to a wedding at the home of the man she used to be engaged to is just way too much. It was your happiest day but for her, on top of the impending baby, because of the location it might have felt like an invitation to another darkest hour. Yes, she should have told you the truth, but probably she didn’t realize her own misgivings until the day actually arrived. By then it was hardly the time to bring up all that emotional baggage and so she choose the acceptable "I’m sick and overwhelmed" (which despite her attendance at the other wedding, may have still been true).
Also, not all friendships are going to be 50:50 in terms of the amount of "effort" put into them, but that does not make them not valuable. I faced an issue with several of my friends where no contact was ever initiated from their side, always mine. I confronted them about it and they basically said, "We’re the kind of introverts who are happy to hang out alone or with anyone who stops by. But we’re not extraverted like you who’s going to seek out company." After I accepted that they are not going to call me on their own very often, I enjoy their friendships a lot more. It doesn’t mean they don’t like me and that our friendship isn’t worth having. M may be moving from more of a "seeking" type to a more receptive and introverted type as she has grown up and especially as she gets closer to having her baby.
So I would definitely go out for ice cream but ask for her side of the story of what really happened before you cut ties.
Post # 11
So I have never been in M’s position, but not calling you BEFORE the wedding to say she couldn’t make it is really inconsiderate. I get that maybe she freaked out about going, but even with everything she is dealing with, she should have at least given you a heads up somehow.
It does seem to me that she might not be as invested in this friendship as you are – and it might just be that now that you are married to her ex-FI’s cousin, she just can’t be that close anymore. I know its sad, but the best you can do is try to stay in touch and not count on her for much.
Post # 12
She is not a true friend. the fact is people will disappoint you… My cousin is not coming our wedding. She didnt even have a decent reason— there is no such thing as having class on a Sunday night. Even so, I was beyond hurt she is not coming. try to distance yourself from her, sounds like she is too much drama.
Post # 13
I have a slightly different take. If she had not been at another wedding, I would feel the same as the above. However, I’m assuming she has RSVP’d to the wedding she attended. That means she planned for 2 weeks (at least) to no show you as a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Who knows, maybe that isn’t what happened, but the "being sick the day of" seems "premeditated"…I would attend her shower but not plan…even though I have a more negative take, I wouldn’t accuse her or anything that would further upset you in the longrun…just enjoy your new marriage!
Post # 14
I feel really bad for you. I would definitely agree that she’s not being a friend at all. HOWEVER, I will say that grief can change people. When I lost my mom as a teenager, I did a lot of things that make me cringe when I think about them. I hurt so many people (close friends and family), dealt with everything poorly and made so many bad decisions. I lost a lot of very good friends over things like you’re describing and I know I deserved it. Today, being in a different place in life, I would give anything to make it up to them 100 times over and return what they gave to me.
I don’t know that now is the time to decide to terminate the friendship, but I think taking your space and telling her how you feel are perfectly acceptable and should be done. If you were there for her at a very vulnerable time, it could be that being around you intensifies her need to grieve and then coupling that with seeing the ex is a lot so she chose (in a very poor manner) to run away from that. Around strangers or "new" people it’s much easier to hide these things than around people who really know you.
The grief will eventually ease (it never goes away) and if you’re still at least around, hopefully she will finally give to you what she can’t right now and make it all up to you. Ultimately it is your call though and you won’t be in the wrong whatever you decide to do. 🙂
Post # 15
I love that I got so many opinion on this subject. Some of you sound like me, wanting to give her another chance, and some of you sound like my husband, just wanting to boot her. I think, after hearing what everyone had to say that I’m just going to let it be. We aren’t enemies but we are not as close as we used to be. It still hurts me when I think about her not being at the wedding and I think I need more time to get over it. I’ll still love her but I’m going to continue to distance myself until I feel I’m ready to start a friendship up again.
Thanks everyone who wrote in. I really appreciate your advice and comments!