(Closed) What should I say? He wants to talk…?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You have to be honest about how you feel, just make sure that you tell him you would never want him to make a decision based on how you feel and that he needs to be 100% sure.

 

Honestly I think guys are better then us at not yielding to pressure. I was awful (even though I tried not to be) about pressuring him. He still took his own sweet time and did everything on his own schedule.

Post # 4
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@misstiny: Just tell him the truth.  You love him and want to marry him, but since he is not ready to make that commitment you need him to keep those types of comments to a minimum.  Explain that you don’t want to pressure him and get a “shut up” ring, but want him to propose when is ready.  And that those types of comments make you think that he is ready and you have clearly discussed that he is not.  Just make sure the tone of the discussion is not criticism, but more cooperation on how to make your relationship go smoothly you are both in the same place.  

Post # 5
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

If I were you i would tell him the truth. You don’t have to be crazy about him just let him know that it misleads you when he makes comments like that because you feel as if the engagement is closer than it really is. Ask him to refrain from these comments until he has proposed or until he is really serious about propsing. You don’t have to make it sound like he has to marry you in order to say these things but it is hard waiting and I have had to have this talk with Boyfriend or Best Friend because it’s tough not being able to talk about it and then being confused all the time about whether or not its happening.

Post # 6
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you should be fairly honest.  “I love you… but I’ve started feeling a little antsy about getting engaged… if it’s not going to happen soon, I’d rather not talk about it so much because it gets me thinking about engagement and I don’t want to obsess.”

Why do you think it won’t happen soon?  Is he just delaying, or is there some milestone he’s waiting for?  If he’s putting you off for no good reason then hell yeah, tell him to can the wedding talk.  But if he’s just waiting for graduation (or something) to propose then maybe he’s just excited and it’s a little less annoying.

Post # 7
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I agree with previous posters.  It kind of sounds like he didn’t quite understand truly why you didn’t want to hear those kinds of comments anymore.  Make sure you explain to him clearly that it’s NOT because you don’t love him or what to marry him, but rather that it kind of hurts your feelings that he talks so freely about things like wedding and engagement when he doesn’t even really see it in the near future (or does he?). 

Post # 8
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with other bees, be honest with him. There is nothing wrong with saying you’d rather wait to talk about all the wedding plans until you are planning a wedding!

I too did not really mean to pressure my Fiance but we would talk about it a lot and he knew I wanted to get engaged like a year and a half ago and we just got engaged this summer, he did it on his own time.

Post # 9
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

It’s been said already, but I feel like hearing it again doesn’t hurt. Just tell him how you feel; be completely honest. It’s important that he understands what you’re feeling. Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

You’re simply setting a boundary, you can do that without criticizing. Just like prettyflowers and the other posters suggested. This does not need to be a long or ackward conversation. Don’t be embarrassed or timid about it, be polite and direct, and don’t ask for his permission.

“I can’t talk about wedding stuff anymore becuase I start obsessing! Lets shelve the subject until we’re engaged” Then move on to the next topic.

Post # 13
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You just need to be completely honest. He wants to talk about the wedding and why you are feeling upset by the constant talk, and he needs to understand how it is upsetting to talk about it when you aren’t getting engaged yet.

Just try and explain it as clearly as you can, if he is a “why” guy, then he will want to know completely what is upsetting you and how he can avoid it.

Just make it clear that you don’t want him to stop thinking about the idea of getting engaged though!

Post # 14
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@misstiny: Don’t get into the weeds. If he asks “why”, say “I just can’t”, or “It’s really that simple, I can’t explain it more than that”. Guys are trained that with women, things are usually more complicated than we initially say….the key is to keep it simple. If he questions you, say even less than you did the first time.

I may get blasted for this piece of advice….but: Don’t tell him he needs to respect you. If he was truly didn’t respect you, telling him to do so would accomplish nothing. Besides, no one likes to be told what to do, especially men. Saying “you need to respect me” is controlling and implies that he’s disrespectful.

Then change the subject. If he brings it up again…well just give him a raised eyebrow (subtext “are you for real?!?!”). You can say “really?” or “I thought I mentioned something about this before…it’s not like you to forget”. Then repeat the original script if needed. And eyebrow-raised-look as needed. You mean business.  

It’s not bad to say “I can’t”. We’re so trained to be independent that “I can’t” is out of most women’s vocabulary.  Of course, you physically COULD sit there and listen to him talk about marriage and go frickin’ insane….so to clarify, what I mean by “I can’t” is “it will cost me more than it’s worth”. So keep that idea in your head.

Just my 2 cents. If you’ve had it with wedding talk and it’s making you crazy, all you need is a simple communication, concise, and stand up for yourself in a way that requires very few words. Don’t overthink it.

And it’s best to correct immediately. As in, when he brings it up, THAT’S when you make your point. It’s like kids or animals, you can’t punish/correct them days/hours later. immediate feedback is the most powerful.

Good luck!

 

Post # 15
Member
77 posts
Worker bee

i absolutely agree with “dreamingbee’s” advice.    “I just can’t” is perfectly acceptable as is “because i don’t want to” or  “because i asked you not to talk about it anymore” etc. etc.  he’d have to be either a jerk or a dolt to not “get it” if you say that to him a few times……   if he keeps saying stuff like that AFTER you’ve asked him to stop then well…… you have a problem OTHER than “he’s not asking me to marry him”, you know?

Post # 16
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I understand what you are saying. If I tell him to stop talking about marriage until the time is right, then maybe he wont think about an engagement at all or he will think that I want it to happen soon. And if I dont tell him to stop talking about marriage, my feelings will be hurt because I know its not happening anytime soon and I will become more confused.

But, I think you should tell him why talking about marriage causes stress and confusion (BE HONEST) and then continue on how you see him in your future and can’t wait for that day to come. Ask him what he thinks about your future and relationship, misstiny try to stay calm even if he says something you might not like, I hope you all will be alone.

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