(Closed) What should you discuss with SO before TTC?

posted 8 years ago in TTC
Post # 32
5474 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

We talked about a lot of things regarding kids before we started TTC.  Many things we discussed while dating, as in getting to know each other, discipline methods, are we even going to have children, if so- when… all that while we were dating. 

Anyway, we’ve figured out healthcare, tentatively childcare (he’s open to working part time and being a part time Stay-At-Home Dad but we both know I’ll never be the one to stay home- I have the better health coverage and we don’t want to sacrifice that).  We discussed me being the stricter disciplinarian, but that we’ll always try to be on the same page so as not to undermine each other.  We don’t mind a swat on the behind or a slap on the wrist, but will go no further with spanking, we will try time-out or diversion to the best of our ability.

We will stick with public schools at first, but are open to private education if we don’t feel the public sector is effective for our child.  He went to a Catholic high school, and said that it was nice to be able to make that decision for himself at that age, and would like to offer the same opportunity for our child.  We also discussed whether or not, and how much we plan to contribute to our child’s college education.

We talked about foods, trying new foods, having a healthy diet (we are both really athletic/active so we have a decent diet, but there’s always room for improvement!).  My mom had an evil technique about our dinner- we would decide we didn’t want to eat the green beans, so we’d say we were full.  Two hours later we were STARVING and HAD to have a cookie.  That lady would pull out our plate from dinner, with the green beans still untouched, and tell us if we were hungry enough we’d eat the veggies.  Evil trick worked :/  We’ll do something like that 🙂

We also talked a lot about our three dogs and how we want our child to learn how to interact with them.  Both of our mothers smoke, and we are on the same page about prohibiting or severely limiting our child’s contact with smoke.  Our moms will not be a viable childcare option unless they come to our home (and they dont’ smoke in our house anyway, even they see it as rude).

We discussed labor and delivery, and he says since it’s my body and I’m the one who will be doing all the hard work that it is ultimately up to me to decide what type of interventions, if any, I am ok with.  I like that he supports my decision.  Same thing with BFing, I’d like to pump at least some (maybe exclusively, though I hear it’s a royal pain in the ass) so that he has a chance to feed and bond with the baby.

How many children we have will depend greatly on whether or not we get pregnant with our first easily, how my body handles pregnancy, and how our relationship handles the extra person.  We would not wait too terribly long for a second if we decide to have more than one- I’m already 31 and only just starting TTC so I’m not sure how much stress I want to put on my body.  I do want enough time (at LEAST a year, maybe two) to let my body heal and recover though!

We also picked out names, decided we don’t want to know the gender until (s)he’s born.  The only thing we haven’t really decided is whether or not to circumcise. 

Post # 34
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

My go to on the discussion about C-sections with my Fiance is to entice him towards the standard vaginal birth with telling him that the doctor can put in an extra stitch after the birth.  Wink

Post # 36
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

@texasbee:  They already had a grandchild and told us several times they didn’t care if we ever had kids b/c they had “theirs” already.

Umm…what?!? I can’t even believe that your ex-ILs said that to you. What an awful thing to say!

@DaneLady:  Ooh…names are a good one too! We had veto power on each other’s name picks. He had a really awful one that he always dreamed of naming his first son. Vetoed immediately by me. I had one that I always loved for a girl that was immediately vetoed by him! Haha…we have equal say in the name. 

Post # 37
1030 posts
Bumble bee

We’re not married, nor close to TTC at the moment, but we’ve discussed LOADS about what we’d do when we have kids.

From pregnancy – healthy living, light exercise and good food (lots of greens). I understand that as excited as I would be about it, he wouldn’t want to hear all the ‘omg our baby has eyelids!’ stuff and he believe’s he’ll only fully realise he’s a father once the baby is born.

We both agree on a natural birth (if possible) and are willing to do everything it takes for it to be as stress free as it can be. No parents at the birth – just the two of us.

As for parenting, we want things to be ‘natural’, so breast feeding is very important, as is this ‘baby led weaning’ I’ve been told about. We would consider using cloth nappies for environmental and cost issues.

And we’ve also discussed schooling (happy for Private school once they get older, but unnecessary for them to go at a young age), hobbies, teaching them things at home etc.

We’re both very much on the same page, which is just amazing.

My parents have also said that we need time to ourselves, though. They said that they’ll look after the children for a week so we can go on holiday by ourselves. I think that will be great for our relationship.

Post # 38
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

We’ve agreed that he will be a Stay-At-Home Dad.  This really wasn’t a choice because I can’t quit my job and he currently doesn’t work anyway (my choice) so it was a natural decision.  He’s agreed to my girl name and I’ve agreed to let him name a son after himself (would be the fifth).  We’ve agreed that if we have more than one, then two years is an appropriate age gap.  We’ve agreed on no more than two unless there are extenuating circumstances like a multiple second pregnancy.  However, I’m more in the one-and-done camp.  He has expressed that it’s my body, my choice on things like number of children and type of birth.  Funny enough, he understands why I wouldn’t want an unneccessary c-section while my mother, who had two sections, thinks it’s a great idea because you can “go ahead and get it over with.”  We have decided that no one else will be in the delivery room for the birth.  Our parents will find out after the baby is born and we have time to bond with them.  This will most likely require registering as an anonymous patient at the hospital since we live almost next door to both sets of parents.  I want my BFF to be there, so this may require some negotiations.  The housing issue is pretty much settled.  We’ll live in the house we’re at now unless it becomes neccessary to move to the house he owns that’s being rented or it becomes possible to move to the farmhouse.

Some things we haven’t talked about are what we’ll do in case we have problems conceiving.  I’m not sure myself about what I’m willing to go through/pay for myself.  We’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.  We’ve also not talked about abnormal scans.  He worked for a long time at a group home for disabled kids and knows just what goes into their care so that is something that he will probably have the final decision on.  He will also have the final decision on circumcision.  We haven’t really discussed who will be told that we are trying.  He knows that I don’t want my parents to know and has respected that as far as I can tell (no guilt trips from mom yet).  I think he’s told his parents and a few friends.  My BFF knows.  We really need to discuss who should be told if we do get pregnant and when.

Post # 39
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

double post

Post # 40
615 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Mother of the Bride\'s residence

@Sea_bass:  I pretty much got “I’ll do it but I’m NOT doing it just because I’m SUPPOSED to.” We’ll see how it goes. 😛

Post # 41
623 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Well the first thing we spoke about was money, how are our finances.

We agreed to pay off any debt before we TTC.

Once the debt is paid off we will start a savings for the baby, so we can use some of the stash while Im on Maternity leave.

We disguised that we want ONE child for now, and see how that goes.

We also disguised what we would do if our child is tested and has some kind of abnormality.

Ive been off BC since Jan, and we started TTC this month.

Our finances seem in order and we seem to be on the same page so far.

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