Post # 1
Ok, let me start my saying that I would never ever in a million years ever mention this to someone IRL since it’s absolutely ridiculous. It’s not something I think about often, I’m not upset by it, I’m not annoyed by it. It’s just something that pops into my head sometimes. I just wanted to know if other people were in my situtation, would you think about the same thing?
My DH and I got married this month and had the most amazing day anyone could ever imagine. My Mother-In-Law got married a few years ago, and as a gift my darling husband decided to pay for the food for their wedding. Now, it wasn’t a major amount since they had a somewhat small wedding (they had about 50 people less than us), but it was still a large chunk of money – something we wouldn’t have given otherwise. My Mother-In-Law and her DH go on vacation once a year (normally a cruise or something along those lines), camp a few weekends a month and enjoy going out on dates. Great, I’m happy they’re happy! The only thing that nags my mind a little bit is that we gave this very generous amount to them at their wedding, and what they gifted wasn’t even a third of that. She was the MOG, and obviously not hurting in the money department. Now, I should say that I’m very grateful for what they did give, but since it was her son, and he has done so much for her in the past – I guess I expected a little more. And I might be a little sensitive to this a well since I’ve felt for a few years now that my DH acts more like the parent sometimes than my Mother-In-Law. He’s always done a lot for her – and thats great. But sometimes I feel he doesn’t get that same respect in return. And this just seems to confirm my belief even further.
Am I reading wayyyyy to much into this? I’m not being greedy or negative – I wouldn’t have thought twice about it if my DH didn’t give so much to them just 2 years ago.
Post # 2
You’re reading too much into it. You should never judge a gift or its giver based on the price tag, never put gifts in competition to each other, and above all, never make a gift in expectation of getting something in return. Perhaps your Mother-In-Law was not as extravagant with her gift because she’s a lot closer to retirement than you and your husband are. Or perhaps she feels 18+ years of food, shelter, clothing, and education were an ongoing gift to your husband. Either way… Let it go.
Post # 3
It would make me think twice about it for sure. It seems strange but many family dynamics are strange. I would also try to encourage your husband not to be overly generous in the future (but thats just me).
Post # 4
It’s his weird family dynamics to deal with. If she’s never been the normal “parent” in their relationship I wouldn’t expect it now.
Post # 5
A different perspective:
This is his mother. She raised him and gave him the best years of her life. She has done so much for him in the past, that if I were her, I would have seen your generous gift as a way of saying “Thanks mum for raising me”. Similar to those amazing videos of children who are successful, gifting their parents with their dream car. Those children don’t expect a car in return, because that present was in return for all the work the parent did in raising them.
If this had been a friend then I do think that a tit for tat present gifting would be more appropriate, but with this being his mother, it actually makes more sense to me.
Hope that made sense.
Post # 6
Wow, thanks. That is a different perspective. I understand what you’re saying, and I hadn’t thought of it before. It could be the case I guess.
I’very thought th same thing before
Post # 7
Another factor could be generational. Older generations are, on average ,more thrifty with their money. Our generation is known as spenders. We want everything it took our parents years to accumulate, the minute we have our own place. We also are known to toss money at a situation, where our parents wouldn’t.
We always spend more on birthday, wedding and Christmas gifts than our parents used to (they are dead now).
Post # 8
It would bother me. But at least she gave a gift. I’m still shocked and disgusted with family members who didn’t give a gift – but DID give a list of complaints and demands for more money to “cover” the cost of attending our wedding (cost of gas and tolls to drive there). In other words, it could be worst.
Post # 9
Everything Evergreen said. His mom most likely sacrificed more times than you can even begin to imagine for her son. His giving back to her was a drop in the bucket compared to what she’s given him throughout his entire life.
Post # 10
I don’t think gifting should be tit for tat. What you were able to give her has zero bearing on what she’s comfortable giving you. It’s not a true gift if it comes with the expectation of reciprocation. I’d just let it go.