(Closed) What?! Three years??!! :C

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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@Helloemi:  I agree! i personally wouldn’t like that “3 year minimum” that’s not even a guarantee. He basically thinks she is good enough to cook, clean, live with etc., yet he stated that marriage ‘isn’t that important to him’. But clearly its important to her. (I personally would not move in as an covert attempt to try to change a guys mind, nor convince him to see that marriage toHER is important, when he has said he doesnt see the value of marriage). Who is to say at year 4, he won’t pull the famous “why get married, as what’s going to change?” Excuse.  What’s wrong with a long engagement instead? 

OP, I am hoping I’m wrong, but unfortunately this happens ALOT! I just wanted to give you another VERY LEGITIMATE scenario that could play out. You need to protect your interests as well. I think you should get a REAL compromise, and not just go with your guys idea blindly. Because that is how many women look back and they realized they gave up their 20s freedom for a guy who strung her along, and who have to start all over again, at like 30. How about engagement after the first year, and a long engagement? 

 

Post # 18
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

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@HopefulCatlover:  Honestly, for your sake, I’m glad he’s shy about the timeline. I changed so damn much in my early twenties while I was getting a hold of life away from a school mentality. I came out if those first five years very different from how I went in (and this was after moving out and becoming financially responsible for myself at 18, so our timelines aren’t vastly off.) 

Enjoy taking your time, enjoy that he’s your boyfriend and nothing is set in stone, and see where these formative years take you.

 

 

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@mcarey2:  Stop that.

Post # 20
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@Helloemi:  Uhm, are you seriously giving OP advice to find someone based on matching timelines??? ! Guess some people gotta ask themselves what they want more, the man or the marriage. 

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@HopefulCatlover:  OP, if you’re in Sweden as it says you are then you’re both young for getting married or talking about it – nothing wrong with it, just saying, and also it’s very normal for couples in that part of Europe to live together for many years and often have children before getting married. Your Boyfriend or Best Friend is a pretty normal 23 year old when it comes to this issue: he probably just wants to be with you and be happy, and doesn’t care much about the fine print of things at the moment. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about YOU. My best advice is to go with your heart – if this is the man of your dreams these things shouldn’t matter. You’ll get there when you get there and it will be worth it. 

Being scandinavian myself I’m wondering why you’re so hung up on engagements and marriage at 21 – It’s the exception rather than the rule that couples follow american models of couplehood and nesting, and as you mention that it is also a rarity in his immediate family I have a hard time imagining that your desire for these things stem from ‘peer pressure’. You have to be on the same page as your SO on what you want in life, but honestly, who really knows that at 21? I don’t see a single problem in wanting to live together for some years before discussing it, I always felt the same way and I hardly know ANYONE who didn’t go about it in exactly that way: live together for 3-5 years, have kids, get married. Sometimes get married before kids, but honestly a lot of young people even find that a little unusual if you don’t own a home together. 

I always say that you’re per definition engaged until you break up or marry, and I really find that to hold true for myself and many couples I know in Europe. American gals probably don’t understand this, just like it’s hard for us (it is for me at least) to completely grasp WHY timelines and the rituals of engagements and wedding parties are so darn important to them. 

Also I think the promise rings might be a Swedish specialty. I know that in Germany and Denmark people do it too once in a blue moon. Again, cultural difference is everywhere… 

Post # 21
Hostess
7547 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

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@Ms.GoodEarth:  Side note, ARE YOU ME? Same ages, time frame and story! Are you two getting your MEds by chance? 

Post # 24
Member
18628 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

As long as you are fine with waiting a little longer than you expect, then I don’t see a problem. It sounds like you want to stay with him even if you don’t get married which is good.

As for the long engagement, it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Take it from someone who had an engagement that was too long and at the end, I just wanted it to be over and didn’t really enjoy it.

Post # 25
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@HopefulCatlover: Your reply totally made me smile! You go for it! I think it’s always a really great start to have a rough sketch of where you want your life to go as long as you can embrace that life takes you on an occassional detour. Those rough plans are what will keep you on track to happiness. I understand being ‘caught’ in between two cultures as I’m myself very much caught in between several – it can be tricky to navigate all the differences. As long as you both want the same things and you’re as happy as you are you’re good to go IMO. Don’t let your real emotions get lost in the world of timelines and norms if you’re going in the right direction. πŸ˜€

Post # 27
Member
2036 posts
Buzzing bee

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@HopefulCatlover:  Sounds like you have some positive waiting updates!!  Congrats!

Post # 28
Member
2664 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID

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@mcarey2:  Rude and unnecessary. If you’re going to nitpick about her grammar, at least catch all the words, and give her some helpful advice while you’re at it. I’m sure you wouldn’t want me to go on your threads and fix your grammatical errors. 

Post # 30
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

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@HopefulCatlover:  Having a rough idea of what you want is a good thing, but keep in mind that you should be flexible with it. Life gets in the way sometimes, so try your best to just roll with the punches and adjust as needed.

Its good that he helps out around the house and that he wants your relationship to be a partnership. And its also good that you both seem open to the other person’s point of view: you can see why marriage isn’t a big deal to him and he can understand why you would like marriage and kids at a younger age.

Continue discussing this once in a while to make sure you are both on the same page about everything.

Post # 31
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

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@HopefulCatlover:  good luck to you girl! As long as you are happy, that’s all that matters!

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