Post # 1
For those who moved in together/talked about moving in together before engagement, what things did you discuss or bring up?
For background, my boyfriend and I are late twenties, established in our careers, and each own a home. We agreed to start talking about moving in together, as we agree it’s headed that direction, and it would take a little planning to finally get to the stage of moving in(deciding which house to move into, selling or renting the other house, getting pets acclimated). We have talked loose timelines for general life things, as in shortly after we started dating he said he’d like to be married and have 1-2 kids within 5 years. However, we have not discussed specific timelines.
My question is, should I bring up timelines for engagement, marriage and kids when we start to discuss moving in together? Or should I wait till we’re further along in the process? Ideally, I’d like to be engaged before or shortly after moving in together, especially if I am the one to sell or rent my house.
How did the progression work in your discussions? Was it one big talk or many small talks?
Post # 2
Before you talk about anything else talk about housework and which half of it is he going to do. His half.
Post # 3
elderbee : haha agreed! That is definitely on my list.
Post # 4
It’s so weird. Reading through these threads has shown me that women are generally more focused on engagement and marriage, while men are more focused on living together. Personally, when my Fiance asked me to move in, I told him I wouldn’t live with him until we were married. Seeing as you feel similarly (want to be engaged before or shortly after moving in together), you definitely need to bring it up to him and have that conversation. Now is the perfect time to discuss these timelines when you’re already talking major life decisions.
Post # 5
We discussed division of bills and whose stuff we would keep (can’t have 2 dining tables here). There were things like rotating who cooks dinner and who cleans after.
Post # 6
Finances and who has financial responsibility for what. If you will be glorified roommates and just splitting things down the middle then make it crystal clear. If you will be combining finances, then a very open and frank discussion about the amount of debt you each hold and plans to pay it off. Also, the expectations if one or both of you experience a change in your financial picture – if someone gets a job that pays twice what they make now is their financial obligation larger? What happens if someone loses a job?
Post # 7
division of labor (ie chores) and splitting of bills. you can also discuss time line to make sure you are on the same page about where you are heading.
are you getting a new house together or moving into the others? if the latter, i would make sure the other one feels like it is their house too.
Post # 8
We didn’t discuss much, just who’s stuff to keep (furniture-wise), and our budget so we knew what we could afford when we started looking for a new place.
Post # 9
My Fiance and I moved in together pretty quickly after we started dating (1 month after he officially became my Boyfriend or Best Friend, and 3 months after we met :x). The one thing that I absolutely made clear to him was that I was not going to want to live together for YEARS (plural) before getting engaged (at the time, I was 27), and that I thought ~2 years was reasonable (though pushing it), but 5 was too long. I didn’t get more specific than that, but he said that his intention at that time was to marry me, and I compromised there and moved in with him. Ultimately, he took me ring shopping 1 year after living together, and proposed a year and a half after that.
Otherwise, since you have made it clear that you are going to get married, I do recommend some kind of discussion on finances. You aren’t merging finances, but you’re going to be sharing all of your living expenses. We divvyed up the bills pretty early – honestly, he dictated, and took on more for himself, which I appreciated and admired. But I’ve picked up in other places like groceries and going out to eat. We’ve found a rhythm that really works, and luckily money is rarely a pain point in our relationship. BUT, it is the source of trouble for so many others!
Furniture is always a fun topic too :).
Good luck Bee – this is honestly a super exciting time, try and enjoy it 🙂
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2017 - Valleybrook Country Club
I think it would be important to talk timelines. It would be awful to sell one of your homes and move in together only to be on different pages.
I would discuss how you’re going to incorporate the two of you into one home as far as decor, closet space, house chores…
The big thing to discuss is finances. Will you be combining or keeping separate? Or find a happy medium between the two?(my preffered method-I’m a banker!) No matter which way you decide, it needs to be discussed who will pay the bills and manage the accounts. Will you open a joint account that you both contribute to for bills and have auto payments set up? Will you both contribute to savings toward any future emergency or house needs? Will your contributions be 50/50 or is someone paid a lot more than the other so it would be 60/40… All important.
Post # 11
If you want to be engaged shortly before or right after moving in, then that is the convo you need to be having. I felt the same way as you – I didn’t want to uproot my life and move in with someone unless I was sure we were heading toward marriage. I needed that commitment. I didn’t see living together as a “trial run” – that’s what dating was for. By the time I moved in with Darling Husband I was already certain he was the one, and we had gotten engaged a few months prior.
So you just need to ask him where his head is on this. You need to be honest with him and tell him you’d like to be engaged before you move in together, or very soon after, and ask what his thoughts are and go from there.
I think we maybe had two or three conversations about this before we got engaged. My husband initially wanted to live together for awhile before getting engaged, but living together meant I’d have to quit my job and move across the country for him (we were long distance at this point), so he gradually came to understood why I didn’t feel comfortable doing that without the commitment of being engaged. From the time we started discussing it until we got engaged was about 3-4 months I think.
Post # 12
I would definitely tell him your expectations on engagement. If he doesn’t know, you will start to resent him and he won’t know why. I am moving in with my boyfriend in a couple of months, and he knows I don’t want to move in together without being engaged. We are on the same page, as he wants to be engaged as well. I think the problem sometimes is that women look at it as a “next step” toward marriage, and men look at it as a “test”. As long as you are on the same page, it should work out fine. Good luck!
Post # 13
I agree that the order of events needs to be clear so that you guys are aware of each other’s expectations. My guy is the one who wants to be engaged around the same time as moving in together and that’s fine with me. He’s military so me working towards moving there means moving to a new state, and that’s a huge step that we already consider pretty similar to engagement.
Also, Maybe you could keep the other home and rent it out? Let it pay for itself but retain the equity. You made that investment, and there’s no real reason to sell right now unless you just HATE the idea of renting it out (and even then I’d say look into it before you forego the idea).
I agree about the household division – so important. One person having no qualms about cleaning because they will have a GUEST (ie the girlfriend/boyfriend) is really different from the day-to-day routines and expectations. For example, I know my boyfriend is more dirty than me, but not by too much and with interest in improving. What chores he sees himself doing, what he hates, what he considers a fair half, etc. If someone works longer hours, then perhaps the other person can pick up the slack a little with maintaining the household or cooking.
Finances is the other big thing – Knowing where the money goes is so important. What comes in, what goes out and where to, what the priorities are, what the debt is, etc.
Post # 14
I agree with other posters who say to discuss your marriage expectations. I moved from California to Tennessee to live with my Fiance (then boyfriend) but we had discussed marriage and knew we would be getting married a year after I moved in. He formally proposed 3 months after living together.
Ask him what his view on living together is. Some people view it as a “trial run” as in they’re not sure about marriage but think living together will help them make a decision. Some people see living together as something you do after you’re sure you’re ready to commit to marriage (That’s me and my fiancé’s perspective).
Make sure you’re on the same page.
And be honest with yourself about if he acts like he’s ready for marriage. Assess that before you move in. It can’t just be all talk.
Other than that, discuss finances, housework, pets, your tendencies towards introversion v extroversion, decor. But if you’ve got the finances and the same vision about the meaning of living together you can work out everything else!
Post # 15
Timelines, yeah. But also
Alone time! That was the biggest adjustment when I moved in with my ex. We worked at different times and totally did not consider that at some point one is going to need a break from the other. Caused a few unnecessary hurt feelings.