What to do?

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
1295 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like he’s not ready for marriage, and I’m not surprised–a huge swath of 25-year-old guys aren’t. This is pretty normal, and he has every right to those feelings. It’s too bad that he led you to believe you’d be getting engaged, which he probably did because he felt pressure to do it (since I guarantee he also didn’t want to get married when he was 24, and 23, and 22…). And my point here isn’t that you did something wrong for pressuring him; my point is that he hasn’t wanted to get married and still doesn’t. Because he’s young and he has other things he wants to do in life first. 

So now the ball is in your court: Do you keep talking about it with him, trying to get him on the same page as you? Probably not the wisest choice. You have to take him as he is right NOW and realize that he may not be ready for marriage until he’s in his 30s, which is totally normal and completely appropriate if that’s how someone feels. If you can’t wait for him to be ready (and you probably shouldn’t try), then it’s time for you to make the decision to leave.

Yours is a very young relationship, having begun when you were teenagers. Many of these don’t end in marriage, sorry. And there’s a good reason why: Relationships work better when we meet someone when we’re older, when we have our more mature selves making the decision about our partner. I don’t trust a damn thing my 17-year-old self chose or thought, because teenagers aren’t terribly wise. Not to mention how much we change in our early 20s. 

My advice is to get ready to make a big change in your life and open yourself to finding a partner who suits you NOW, at an older age, and who’s in the same place as you. 

Post # 3
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee

Take engagement and marriage out of the equation and look at the rest of your relationship.  Are you satisfied?  Happy?  Do you have a lot in common?  Or do you just feel like you’ve put in 8 years and marriage is the next step?

From the outside looking in, it seems like your relationship has run its course.  Yes, 8 years is a long time to invest in someone, but at this point, there is no definitive direction…at least not for a few more years.

Stop trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. 

Post # 4
Member
682 posts
Busy bee

“anytime I try and talk to him about it he gets angry and defensive and it just ends in arguments”

He isn’t in this in the same way you are, Bee. I’m sorry. 

Post # 7
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee

Izzybusybee :  my BIGGEST regret from my previous relationship/marriage is that I didn’t leave sooner. 

It’s hard.  You love them and don’t want to feel like you’ve ended it too soon.  Just give them a little more time.  That turns into a couple years.  

I gave my ex more time.  And he did propose.  Then he wanted to be married for a couple of years before we had kids.  I gave him that time.  Then he told me he didn’t want kids…ever…never did.  .  And I had to tell him that I didn’t want to be married to him.  

 

Post # 8
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee

And of course, the kid thing wasn’t the only thing wrong with our relationship.  Through a lot of time and therapy, I have realized that we were never compatible enough to have a lasting relationship (we were together for over 8 years) and it really was for the best.  

 

Post # 9
Member
541 posts
Busy bee

I’m sorry to say this bee, but I think you need to move on.

I was in a similar position as you at that time and from what you’ve written, not only does your SO have no interest in getting married, he’s no where near even close to getting to the point of being ready for marriage.

I think you will become so resentful and angry and it will destroy your relationship. Been there, done that. You’re better off just accepting that you’d be much closer to getting what you want with someone else at this point.

And 25 isn’t that young. Don’t waste your good years on him

 

Post # 10
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - York, ME

Izzybusybee :  I think you know what you need to do, it’s just hard to face the music. I can’t imagine how hard it would be to leave your partner of 8 years, but I think it’d be harder to be in the same position in another 8 years and be in your 30’s and have no progression or commitment. 

I was with my Fiance for a little over three years, and I told him that if we weren’t engaged by our 4th anniversary I was either going to buy an engagement ring and start planning our wedding, or we’d be having a very difficult conversation if he wasn’t okay with that.  To me, it wasn’t an ultimatum but he always talked about getting married and wasn’t taking action.  I felt like if he wasn’t actually ready to be engaged and married after 4 years, then we had a serious issue in our relationship.

It’s been 8 years and won’t even have a conversation with you about getting married. He has a wife in you without actually committing to you.  If he just wants a girlfriend, then set a “walk date” in your head, and if he doesn’t propose, look for an apartment. You don’t have to break up, but if he doesn’t want a wife, then don’t be one.  

Post # 11
Member
1785 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You say, “To me 8 years is a long time to just give up on and we’ve been through so much together.”

We see this all the time on the Waiting forum. But we also see women who have been waiting 10 years, 12 years, 15 years. Don’t engage in the sunken cost fallacy. You’ve committed 8 years of your life to this man. That doesn’t mean you’re stuck with him or in this relationship. If you want to stay, and are willing to wait for or forego marriage, that’s one thing, but you should never stay in a relationship solely, or even primarily, because of the years you’ve already been in it. If you do that, the years become wasted. 

If you had a house that you had bought thinking it’d be your forever home, and you had spent 8 years in it making it a home, but it turns out that it’s not in a good school district, the foundation is not sound, there are termites in the walls, and the neighborhood has become dangerous, and there’s mold and water damage, would you stay just because you’d already stayed 8 years? If you were told it would cost way more to try and fix the house, then it would to start over, would you still stay?

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