(Closed) What to do about guests who didn’t give gifts?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee

@Heidigm221: I live on the east coast. There is no rule that you have to bring a gift. Should you bring a gift? Yes. Do you have to? No. If my friend who was down and out, couldn’t afford to give a gift I sure as hell wouldn’t want her to lie to me and stay home all because of a stupid gift. I wouldn’t understand. I would be mad that she thought I was so materialistic. That I wouldn’t want her there because she didn’t get me a toaster.

 

Post # 33
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@Heidigm221:

I don’t agree – if any of my guests didn’t attend because they could not afford a gift, even a $5 one, I would have been very upset. Having our loved ones there meant more than any gift. I would rather have them there with us. And also, we had our wedding because we wanted to celebrate our union, if we couldn’t afford it, we wouldn’t have had the wedding that we had.

Post # 34
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

a gift is a symbol of the affection you feel for someone, to commemorate an occasion the same goes for a newly married couple. I understand that you feel it’s ok to attend a wedding or any event without giving a gift, i however feel it’s really rude.
As i said, weddings are planned way way in advance and if someone can’t plan to save up for a small gift, then they should not attend. UNLESS there are extrenuating circumstances where the person does not ever go out to eat, does not ever buy shoes or shop or get their hair done or have cable or can’t pay their rent and live with their parents… that’s different and in that case of COURSE the couple would understand. My husband’s friend is exactly in that situation and we begged him to come and told him not to get us a gift, yet he managed to get us a small token of his appreciation for us a couple.

As always, everyone’s entitled to their own opinion but i was taught that if you’re invited somewhere, dinner at a friend’s, a simple wedding or a grand extravaganza, you bring something to show gratitude for the hosts. If said hosts are a new couple embarking upon a new life together, what a lovely time to give them a token  Arriving empty handed or not sending something modest after is just unacceptable. Sheesh a homemade paper mache picture frame shows that you care!

Post # 35
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Heidigm221:Seriously?  A couple can only go to a wedding without a gift if they NEVER dine out or NEVER buy shoes (man would that go over well in the office).  For a couple embarking on a new life together maybe they should focus instead on how many people come to support and celebrate with them and count that as a gift in and of itself.

Post # 36
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@gcwest: it’s just an opinion, i certainly didn’t think it would ruffle so many feathers!

It takes nothing but time to whip up something inexpensive that’s heartfelt and personal, something to show just a touch of appreciation for all of the time and effort the couple has put into hosting this beautiful event and in honor of their new union. The couple who spared no detail to make sure you had a great time celebrating with them. If you can’t bring a small bag of their favorite coffee, a pair of movie tickets, a framed picture of you and the couple.. I actually got a really cool gift, a cousin of mine who is a single mom and a teacher put together a recipe book. She used construction paper and color pencils to write up 20 of her favorite recipes, and bounded them with ribbon. ABSOLUTELY adorable. It cost her nothing, but she gave us something that was thoughtful in honor of our wedding.

I mean.. it’s absolutely your choice! I’m sure you’ve attended weddings without giving a gift and that’s totally fine, I just have never met anyone that was so defensive about bringing a gift to a wedding.

i certainly wouldn’t even go to a friend’s house for a casual dinner without bringing a cookie or two… SUPER interesting to see everyone’s take on this. Thanks!!

Post # 37
Member
7605 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I personally can’t imagine attending a wedding and not bringing a gift and a card.  However, I understand that it’s not a requirement.  If someone attends our wedding in June and doesn’t give us anything, they will still be receiving a thank you card from us for sharing in our day.

Post # 38
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee

What traditional etiquette actually has to say on this subject is as follows:

  • You never need to give a gift.
  • You DO need to write notes.
  • A proper note is written on your personal monogrammed stationery, or on the best plain white or pale paper you can afford. A note on a mass-produced printed card is not proper, but it is better than nothing.
  • A proper guest writes three notes: a note of congratulations upon hearing of the engagement, a note of reply to the invitation, and (assuming that she attends the reception) a note of thanks to the hostess (who may or may not be the bride) the morning after the reception.
  • A proper bride writes a thank-you note on the day that she receives a gift. She does not have to write thank-you notes for attending.
  • Hostess gifts may be brought to informal parties but never to formal parties. They may however be delivered in advance (if they are flowers or sweets) or sent with the thank-you note the day after.
  • A gift of money is only ever given from a person of higher social status to one of significantly lower social status.
  • A guest should never make the assumption that his gift will be accepted, so it should never be monogrammed or inscribed in advance.

Post # 39
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Honestly, I would send a thank you card for coming! At least for me, I know that travel will be involved for everyone so I will be sending thank you’s regardless of a gift! I would have never thought it was a …. way to get a gift not given!

Post # 40
Member
4335 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Heidigm221: I’m rather curious now… What inspired you to (seemingly randomly) resurrect this topic?

Post # 41
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2012

A Thank You for attending will do.

Post # 42
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I did not send thank you’s to those who did not give a gift.  We did receive several gifts months after the wedding and then I sent a thank you at that time.  We thanked people for coming at the wedding, so I didn’t see any need to send a written thank you for their presence.  There were A LOT of people that did not give gifts that we were surprised did not give gifts, but oh, well, it happens.

Post # 43
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2010

One thing would like to tell everyone that “Treat everyone with beautiful attitude even they are rude to you not because they are nice bu because you are nice”. Definitely thank them even those who have not  given any gift or  bat mitzvah gifts.

Post # 43
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

EmEv:  It’s my understanding that TRADITONAL wedding ettiquette dictates guests have 1 year to send a gift, card, or some formal well-wishes. 

 

My response would be to send them a thank you for attending. If this doesn’t spur a gift, oh well. If it does, give them a phone call and thank them verbally! Why send 2 thank-you notes?

Post # 44
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

ive been married for one year and i have not recieved gifts from most of my friends, including bridesmaids. is there a way to say something without actually saying something?

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