(Closed) What to do about guests who didn’t give gifts?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
9589 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

SylvieB:  no. Absolutely no.Perhaps they thought the expense and effort of being your Bridesmaid or Best Man was gift enough and I agree. For your other friends… Maybe they were down and out or maybe they didn’t feel like it- either way a gift is not your right, it’s a *gift* given upon the givers free will. Youre free to think less of them but not free to remind them of their “error”. 

Post # 47
Member
6358 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

SylvieB:  No, there isn’t.

Post # 48
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

All guests should receive a “thank you”, after all, their presence at your wedding was the greatest gift of all. I understand, during my bridal shower I am almost positive I lost a couple gifts in the midst of all the excitement, but I still took time to write a thank you to each guest for attending.

Post # 49
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

Heidigm221:  I agree, not giving a gift is very rude, but I also think it’s rude to not thank your guests for their time and presence. Remember the age old adage: two wrongs does not make a right.

Yes, weddings are certainly pricey (and as brides, we really try to make our guests comfortable), but it’s not fair to expect some sort of monetary return on their behalfs. Pergaps they are struggling financially, or perhaps they are just ill-mannered, but they were still there to show the happy couple love and support. 

Post # 50
Member
9589 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

cc1213:  actually etiquette is clear that thank yous are just for gifts. Your reception is the thank you for their attendance- dinner, drinks, entertainment on your dime. “Thanks for coming” notes can be received as fishing for gifts, or pointing out the lack there of which can be embarressing for the recepient. 

Post # 51
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

MrsBuesleBee:  Hmm, I do see your point here. I suppose it may be better to send a thank you to a guest when there’s uncertainty as to whether they have a gift or not (as per the OP’s issue). However, this potential embarrassment makes sense – it could be uncomfortable for the guest.  

Post # 52
Member
399 posts
Helper bee

I know this is not popular by some, but I see no need to send a thank you if the guest comes empty handed.  Weddings are a lot of money, and in most cases you are paying for their food and alcohol and desert for the entire night.  If the guest didnt attend your wedding, they would have had to pay for dinner anyways (whether it is a 10 dollar eat at home meal vs a 40 eat out dinner). A friend of mine said there were 3 couples that didnt give a gift at her wedding- I know one of them who just made manager at a firm (and probably makes more than most people in attendance).  It is rude and tacky not to get someone at least something (even if its just a card and something small from the registry), and I think its unacceptable.

Post # 53
Member
12 posts
Newbee

I think someone else mentioned this, but the etiquette I know is that you have up to a year after the wedding to gift.

And some people definitely take advantage of this year! (I handmake quilts so sometimes the extra time is really welcome).

Also I think it’s very possible they just forgot. I had a friend get married a few years back and she confided in me that a large number of people hadn’t brought anything, including friends who are very close to her.

One of the friends was a mutual friend so I decided to ask him what he had gotten our friend for the wedding and he was like oh I totally forgot! And then sent her something within the month. So, it’s very possible they just forgot, but there isn’t really anything YOU can do. You could have a mutual friend delicately (and without implicating that you noticed or said anything about it) try to figure out what happened though. The friend who forgot might appreciate the reminder to be honest…

Post # 54
Member
399 posts
Helper bee

morsa:  In that case the thank you note can come later on.  I also feel that since your mutual friend brought it up they felt on the spot (or may have sensed you were upset), had that convo happened they may have never sent anything (which may have been their intent before).  I think this is a clever way of doing things though, however it may make the friend feel really bad.

Post # 55
Member
12 posts
Newbee

summerbride0815:  That’s definitely possible! Although he had asked me before the wedding what he thought I should get her, so I’m pretty sure he had planned on getting something and just ended up forgetting about it. He very well may have never remembered to send anything if I hadn’t brought it up, though.

Post # 56
Member
12 posts
Newbee

I also have to say I think it’s better to make him feel momentarily bad and have him get the gift (which he should!) than for there to be that strain in their friendship for much longer.

Post # 57
Member
588 posts
Busy bee

Ya’ll do realize that OP posted this 5 years ago right?

 

Post # 58
Member
399 posts
Helper bee

kitkatkels:  Of course just opening back up the thread as I was interested in the topic 😉 I definitely wasnt paying attention to this until I already posted- opps!

Post # 59
Member
2012 posts
Buzzing bee

kitkatkels: It go revived after someone posted asking if it was okay to somehow mention the fact that some of her friends/BMs didn’t get her a gift…to them…a year after her wedding.

Post # 60
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2015

You write a thank you note for a GIFT.  Your reception was a thank you to your guests for attending your ceremony.

IF a guest gave you a gift and it was possibly lost or misplaced, I’m sure they will ask you about it (either their check hasn’t been cashed or they’re wondering why they didn’t receive you a thank you note)

So, in short-DO NOTHING

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