What to do about mean grandma

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
4086 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You can love someone without liking or approving of everything they do.

I mean, his grandma is probably what, in her 80’s? Is this really something he’s going to let ruin the likely relatively short amount of time he has left with the person who was essentially his mother-figure? 

Tbh yes it was rude, but i don’t think it’s “cutting someone off”-level rude.

Post # 3
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Grandma sucks. So do a lot of people in life. Create a comfortable distance for yourself but respect the relationship your husband has with her. That is his life and putative Mom. 

Post # 4
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

ShoeGal89 :  Grandma is rude. And salty. And out of line. 1000% percent.

But she’s also Grandma, and old people say inappropriate things most because they can get away with it. I would forgive her if I was your husband and move on. She’s old and in bad health. Some things just don’t matter when it comes to family…

Post # 5
Member
844 posts
Busy bee

Grandma is not the only one that can hold a grudge. If Steve is not overly upset I’m not sure why your husband is so bent out of shape.

Post # 6
Member
2858 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I mean grandma obviously isn’t the sweetest peach but is this really something that is worth a cold shoulder? She’s old. She’s rude (not unlike most old women her age). But Steve obviously doesn’t give a shit. At least not enough to hold a grudge himself so I don’t understand why your Darling Husband is. It’s sometimes difficult for people to realize those who raised them are actual people with actual opinions that sometimes differ from our own but this doesn’t sound like a situation that would cause me to risk a relationship with a woman who may have declining health in just a few years.

Post # 7
Member
1138 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

He’s upset because Steve’s his best friend and he’s disillusioned. It’s all the more disappointing when your role models “fall from grace.”

I think, since she’s on her way out (and I only mean she’s old and not getting any younger), he needs to say something like, “You know what, I’m very disappointed you were such a petty woman about a relationship you had no control over, but I love you and miss you. And Steve will always be my best friend, regardless of who he dates.” He will regret holding onto this when she’s dead, at which point it’s too late.

I’d really be that dry about it because I’m 27 and my mom died 5 years ago, and my 2 siblings were angry at her all throughout her cancer. Well, they showed up to cry while they watched her die, but they’re never going to get another crack at that. I haven’t spoken to my brother in about 9 years and don’t ever plan to.

What I’m saying is you need to be sure when it comes to family. I was adopted, so bloodline don’t mean shit to me. Your family is only as good as how they treat you. And maybe your husband is going through a bit of this same crisis, struggling with loyalty, “choosing.” But he’s not betraying Steve by being on the up-and-up with grandma. He’s just allowing for both of them, with all their faults, to remain important people to him in their imperfection.

Post # 8
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

Your Darling Husband is way overreacting. My grandma has been diagnosed with dementia, but started saying some pretty rude things about 5 years prior to her diagnosis. We all knew it was age related and not reflective of her character so we let it go as a family. I would encourage you to have your Darling Husband do the same as this isn’t worth destroying a relationship with his grandmother over, not even close.

Post # 9
Member
12613 posts
Honey Beekeeper

She’s old, and not well. It’s very possible she’s having memory issues and losing her filter. 

Post # 10
Member
2175 posts
Buzzing bee

I do not think that her age should give her a pass on this behavior. I would absolutely encourage him to speak his mind to her. He has no control over her actions, what she might say in response, or how she will react when he talks to her. I absolutely recommend he write down what he wants to say so he doesn’t forget in the moment and so its clear to him. Him talking to her is not about changing her behavior, he has no control over that. Its about him communicating his feelings to his mom and that is absolutely important. 

Does she have diagnosed mental issues (dementia, alzheimer’s, etc)? If so, then that should be a factor, yet it doesn’t sound like it. This sounds like she knows exactly who this guy is, what he did (in her mind) and deliberatly holds on to that grudge. One of my grandma’s had alzheimer’s and it didn’t present itself like this at all. (Not saying it can’t, just not my experience) 

Encourage your SO to do what HE needs to do to feel the best. Honesty is the best policy. “Letting it go” or “not bringing it up” because his grandmom is old, is not healthy for him. This has been going on long enough for him, he needs to say something for himself to get past this. 

Post # 15
Member
1138 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

ShoeGal89 :  I’m sorry you’re kinda stuck in the middle, too, being the one who has direct contact and influence. If he still feels like forgiving her is the wrong thing to do, try explaining that it was hard for his grandmother to watch someone she’s seen grow up be hurt in heart ache. And because people can’t help but put the blame on the one who called it off, it was a defense mechanism.

I don’t know anyone who has complete command over their emotions, so the fact that she’s old and “should know better” doesn’t mean anything. We can only learn from things we’ve experienced, and at all ages we’re dealing with new, different things all the time.

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