(Closed) What to do about my mom? Advice please….

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I say yes. You may end up being hurt, but at least you will KNOW that you did everything you could. You wont be able to play the “what if” game.

Family is made by love, but those that are related by blood get a few extra chances that non-blood “people” don’t get. She is your mother and I think you should reach out and see what she can give in return. 

She sounds emotionally immature and as long as you know that going in, you can expect a certain amount of immature reaction/communication from her. Its up to you to decide how much you are OK with and willing to forgive to have her in your life and how much is too much.

Not everyone reacts the way they should or we expect. But sometimes we have to let that go when its someone we want in our lives. 

Edit: I had something similar with my father. I started communicating with him knowing it would probably end bad. It did, but it actually didnt hurt me so much because I knew I did what I could and he had made that decision. Not me. I dont want to be “blamed” for the cicumstances.

If she values this invite to the wedding it may make it harder to reconcile in the future. Just something to consider. It could be something she holds over your head since she already seems to have an immature view about your relationship.

Post # 4
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

First, I’m sorry that you are going through this. I also don’t have the best relationship with my mother so I understand the pain that you are going through. I think its great that you want your mother to be a part of your wedding. However, are you ready to deal with the risk of pain that your mother may not come if you do open the channels of communication with her? It seems she has been hurting you all her life. I just don’t want to see you hurt on what should be the happiest day of your life. I would invite her, but at some time you have to focus on what’s best for you and your family and that’s not to be at her beck and call emotionally.

Post # 5
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

maybe go into it without expectations, just to get back in touch.  try and find out what she has been doing, her current interests, etc so it doesn’t seem like you are just trying to get on her good side but are really trying to get to know her becuase you want her in your life.  if it feels that uncomfortable then maybe it’s just not meant to be.  just think – would you even second guess inviting her if she wasn’t your mom but just an aquaintance? 

maybe i am too harsh, but that is my opinion!

Post # 6
Member
1628 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My mom and grandmother had an extremely tense relationship for a long time. When my mom was a newlywed things blew up and they didn’t talk for 4 years. During that time my older sister and I were born. When I was about 1 (and sister was 3), my mom decided that she would get back in contact..she called my grandma and said “I think it’s time you met your granddaughters” my grandma responded with “I’ll have to think about it”–hung up the phone and didn’t respond for 2 months.  It was a complete power play, but eventually they were able to start talking again, my grandma just needed for it to be on her crazy terms.  It took a long time but they were eventually able to heal their relationship.

My point is…if you want her in your life, you might have to suck it up and be the one to call her and say you really want her at the wedding and back in your life. If she screws you over again, at least you’ll never wonder ‘what if’…if she makes an effort, then hey, you’ll have your mom again. While it may be painful in the short run, I think your best option is contacting her.

Post # 7
Bee
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

I would say yes – start talking to her, just a little bit at a time, and try to reach out.  Your Gramma may be just relaying info from your Mom, and your Mom may come even if you guys don’t become thisclose in the next year. 

But I think you’ll regret it if you don’t at least try. 

Could you start with an email or facebook message?  And then maybe a phone call?

Post # 10
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Missloveknot:  Have you spoken to your Fiance about this? If anything, I’m sure he wants you to do what makes you happy. You can’t predict how your mom will react, but I wouldn’t let her negatively impact the day where the man who loves you to pieces is pledging to be by your side forever. Whether you decide to invite her or not, congratulations on your upcoming marriage!

Post # 11
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@Missloveknot:   Not the PP, obviously, but there is no apology necessary at least no in the way you are thinking.

You could say something (via email) like

“I am really sorry that we have gone so long without talking and I am hoping that we may be able to begin to build a relationship”

Then fill her in on random converational stuff. Vacations you took, fun things your kid did. What your wedding colors are.

And leave the ball in her court.

EDIT: it is sounding like in reality you just dont care about her being there or not as she currently is. You are more hoping that she will be the mother you want her to be. If she is never that person, do you want a relationship? Because it sounds like she will never be the mother figure you hope she will be. Can you accept less?

Post # 15
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

@Missloveknot:  Now what? You think long and hard and start slow. You tell her what you want out of her. Seriously. You tell her what your expectations are.

1) to be loved unconditionally

2) to be called and emailed unprovoked

3) etc.

Also tell her what you promise to do in the relationship.

1) to ask her what is wrong when she is short with you.

2) to call her at least 1 time a month, etc.

 

If you set the rules, its easier to follow

You tell her that you love what relationship you could have, but are have trouble living with the way your relationship and interactions have been (becareful not to insult her in this).

And maybe, just maybe, she can start to learn to be “a mother”. Maybe not. But you tried.

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