Post # 1
Quick background, I have never been close with my mom, we have always argued but i always had hopes that would change. I got pregnant, it didn’t bring us closer, and when I had my son that didn’t bring us closer either. About 6 years ago she moved to Florida for some guy and hasn’t been back since. At first we were communicating over the phone but then she broke up with the guy and had nothing but she wouldn’t move back. Her mother and my brother and my son all live here and it killed me that she didn’t want to come back. After an attempted suicide event with her my Fiance, my son and I drove to Florida to visit her and I quickly learned that she is only a man in her life makes her happy,not me or her family, it only matters who she is dating. I couldn’t talk to her anymore, I just didn’t call her, she called me once and left a message and I didn’t return her phone call and now it’s been 4 years since we have spoken. She talks to my grandma so I get updates from her. Now I know I haven’t spoken to her but it’s not like she has made some effort to get in contact with me. Fast forward to the wedding….
I decided to invite her because I think it could be to damaging not to and her sisters will be there so I think it will be nice for her to come and be with everyone. My nana (her mother) says that my mom said she won’t come unless I start communicating with her. I feel like if I start communicating with her and she still doesn’t come I will be very hurt, and I honestly don’t know how to stthat even talking to her again. My thought was “she is a parent, I am her only daughter, she will want to be there regardless and maybe that can be our starating point”.
So do I reach out to her (I already sent her a save the date)? Should I wait to see if she rsvp’s when she gets the invitation and then try to talk to her? Do I just send her the invite and leave it up to her?
Post # 3
I say yes. You may end up being hurt, but at least you will KNOW that you did everything you could. You wont be able to play the “what if” game.
Family is made by love, but those that are related by blood get a few extra chances that non-blood “people” don’t get. She is your mother and I think you should reach out and see what she can give in return.
She sounds emotionally immature and as long as you know that going in, you can expect a certain amount of immature reaction/communication from her. Its up to you to decide how much you are OK with and willing to forgive to have her in your life and how much is too much.
Not everyone reacts the way they should or we expect. But sometimes we have to let that go when its someone we want in our lives.
Edit: I had something similar with my father. I started communicating with him knowing it would probably end bad. It did, but it actually didnt hurt me so much because I knew I did what I could and he had made that decision. Not me. I dont want to be “blamed” for the cicumstances.
If she values this invite to the wedding it may make it harder to reconcile in the future. Just something to consider. It could be something she holds over your head since she already seems to have an immature view about your relationship.
Post # 4
First, I’m sorry that you are going through this. I also don’t have the best relationship with my mother so I understand the pain that you are going through. I think its great that you want your mother to be a part of your wedding. However, are you ready to deal with the risk of pain that your mother may not come if you do open the channels of communication with her? It seems she has been hurting you all her life. I just don’t want to see you hurt on what should be the happiest day of your life. I would invite her, but at some time you have to focus on what’s best for you and your family and that’s not to be at her beck and call emotionally.
Post # 5
maybe go into it without expectations, just to get back in touch. try and find out what she has been doing, her current interests, etc so it doesn’t seem like you are just trying to get on her good side but are really trying to get to know her becuase you want her in your life. if it feels that uncomfortable then maybe it’s just not meant to be. just think – would you even second guess inviting her if she wasn’t your mom but just an aquaintance?
maybe i am too harsh, but that is my opinion!
Post # 6
My mom and grandmother had an extremely tense relationship for a long time. When my mom was a newlywed things blew up and they didn’t talk for 4 years. During that time my older sister and I were born. When I was about 1 (and sister was 3), my mom decided that she would get back in contact..she called my grandma and said “I think it’s time you met your granddaughters” my grandma responded with “I’ll have to think about it”–hung up the phone and didn’t respond for 2 months. It was a complete power play, but eventually they were able to start talking again, my grandma just needed for it to be on her crazy terms. It took a long time but they were eventually able to heal their relationship.
My point is…if you want her in your life, you might have to suck it up and be the one to call her and say you really want her at the wedding and back in your life. If she screws you over again, at least you’ll never wonder ‘what if’…if she makes an effort, then hey, you’ll have your mom again. While it may be painful in the short run, I think your best option is contacting her.
Post # 7
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
I would say yes – start talking to her, just a little bit at a time, and try to reach out. Your Gramma may be just relaying info from your Mom, and your Mom may come even if you guys don’t become thisclose in the next year.
But I think you’ll regret it if you don’t at least try.
Could you start with an email or facebook message? And then maybe a phone call?
Post # 8
I guess in a way I want her at my wedding but I am not sure I want her in my life.
@lefeymw: I know your saying or me to the adult and the bigger person and this is a great point, I don’t have to always be right I could just suck it up.
@Olive12: I think that’s it, I am not ready to deal nor do I want too
@AliveWithLove: my other problem is (this is horrible), no If she weren’t my mother I wouldn’t give the time of day. I don’t respect her as a person or a parent, or have anything in common with her.
@bearlove: I can’t believe your grandmother said that to your mom, your mom sounds like a really strong person.
I was expecting she would view the save the date as a sign that I was sort of ready to have some kind of relationship. I guess I was hoping she would tell my nana that of course she is coming, she wouldn’t miss it for the world and that hopefully her coming would change thins for the better between us. I never expected for her to not want to come… Expectations, they get me every time
Post # 9
@eagle: I do feel so akward about calling her….. Maybe an email would be better, I not have Facebook. What would I say? Small talk? I definetly don’t want to apologize
Post # 10
@Missloveknot: Have you spoken to your Fiance about this? If anything, I’m sure he wants you to do what makes you happy. You can’t predict how your mom will react, but I wouldn’t let her negatively impact the day where the man who loves you to pieces is pledging to be by your side forever. Whether you decide to invite her or not, congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
Post # 11
@Missloveknot: Not the PP, obviously, but there is no apology necessary at least no in the way you are thinking.
You could say something (via email) like
“I am really sorry that we have gone so long without talking and I am hoping that we may be able to begin to build a relationship”
Then fill her in on random converational stuff. Vacations you took, fun things your kid did. What your wedding colors are.
And leave the ball in her court.
EDIT: it is sounding like in reality you just dont care about her being there or not as she currently is. You are more hoping that she will be the mother you want her to be. If she is never that person, do you want a relationship? Because it sounds like she will never be the mother figure you hope she will be. Can you accept less?
Post # 12
Also, in case I sound really harsh I want to explain that my mom has rarely been a stable person in my life. That “motherly bond” does not exist at all for me. She was a horrible parent when I was a baby and growing up so I was just honestly never that attached to her if you can understand that. She isn’t a bad person though, just emotionallyimmature like a pp said, I have always felt like the adult.
Post # 13
@Olive12: My Fiance doesn’t think I should speak to her, but it’s not really fair because he lost hia wonderful mother at 23 and he resents the fact that she is here and healthy and is not a mother to me. He will of course support me with whatever choice I make but it’s hard for him to discuss it.
Post # 14
@lefeymw: I think you nailed it. Sometimes I feel very childish the way I still have this weird longing for a motherly person in my life, and I always find myself really drawn to my firinds moms who are like this. Mayrig changing my expectations and accepting her for who she is would be a start but I see what your saying, am I capable of this? So I think your right, its almost like I don’t want her there, but a mother that doesnt and never has existed.
Wow…. But now what?
Post # 15
@Missloveknot: Now what? You think long and hard and start slow. You tell her what you want out of her. Seriously. You tell her what your expectations are.
1) to be loved unconditionally
2) to be called and emailed unprovoked
Also tell her what you promise to do in the relationship.
1) to ask her what is wrong when she is short with you.
2) to call her at least 1 time a month, etc.
If you set the rules, its easier to follow
You tell her that you love what relationship you could have, but are have trouble living with the way your relationship and interactions have been (becareful not to insult her in this).
And maybe, just maybe, she can start to learn to be “a mother”. Maybe not. But you tried.
Post # 16
I guess I have never realized how awful I am at communicating until now. I get so uncomfortable just thinking about haing this conversation with her. What do you think if I started out slow, like I sent her a little card letting her know that I heard she received the save the date and I hope she will be able to make it and I think it would be a good start to rebuilding a relationship with her? Is that to chicken?