Post # 17
I think that is fine, but if you have expectations and want them met, you need to communicate those expectations.
If you are willing to except less, then you can certainly go with the card.
Have a glass of wine or 3 and then write a letter. Reread it the next day and send it.
EDIT: I make it sound easy, but its not. It really isnt, but writing is easier than talking to start. I would follow up with a call to the letter to ask if she read it and wait for her response. Silence is a great motivator.
Post # 18
Thank you so much for your advice, it has really opened my eyes to the bigger picture. I think the wine and letter will be ok, maybe followed up with that needed conversation. I agree that if I want things to change that we must have that. Thanks so much again.
Post # 19
For what its worth, I highly recommend the letter idea. I also have a very strained relationship with my mom who has been an alcoholic for most of my life. All the things that happened as a result of that has also made my relationship with my dad really strained.
After a particularly terrible visit they made to my house (I live in a different state than them, I sat down and wrote my dad a long letter. It was really helpful to me to finally explain my position after all this time without anyone denying things that have happened, blaming me, etc. Also, once I sent it, I knew I had laid everything on the table and basically put it back on them. It felt like I was taking all their crap I never wanted to deal with and saying, “I’m just done with this. If you want a relationship with me, this is what I require. If you can’t or won’t meet me halfway, then that’s on you.”
I have wasted a lot of time over the years feeling like maybe there is something I could do that might help our relationship or make her get better or just somehow fix things. I needed to try to let that go and the letter helped me do that. A part of me hoped it would make some difference, but a more realistic part of me was ok just knowing that I had been honest about my feelings and what I needed and hoped for.
I know this was kind of long, but I thought maybe you could relate and I know how much better it makes me feel to know I’m not the only person who struggles with this stuff. My fiance has awesome parents and I’m very glad for him about that, but I know he can’t really relate to my frustrations with my parents. Good luck, I hope your letter helps give you some piece of mind like mine gave me. : )
Post # 20
Thank you. Relationships with parentsrare difficult because we are expected to feel a certain way and it’s not natural when we don’yet and years and years of neglect just make that worse. I don’t think my mom is capable of accepting responsibility, you know the type, always a victim, so I don’t know if laying it all out there will help or make her defensive. I think I will just send her a short note, a few lines and see how that goes. Have you worked Inge out with your parents? I always thought I would marry someone with amazing parents and I would be some great moms daughter in-law, and it just worked out that the love of my life had lost both of his parents when we met, it makes us really strong as a couple though, we are kind of like an orphan couple, my mom, that I don’t speak to, is the only living parent between the both of us.
Post # 21
I’m lucky to have someone who has awesome parents who really support us and aren’t the least bit nuts. He was actually adopted and its easy see that they still really appreciate having children even though he and his (also adopted) brother are adults now.
I really feel for you and your guy having basically no parents right now. I totally understand what that feels like…being an independent adult but still feeling kind of out there alone. Of course its wonderful you found each other. Now you have your own family that will be there for both of you which is really what matters anyway. Good luck with your note. Maybe she will surprise you and at the very least you will have peace knowing that you tried what you could.
I think its awesome that you have recognized that she can be toxic for you and you needed to just distance/cut yourself off from it. As hard as it is to do that, its so important to tack care of yourself and have boundaries where you need them. Some people never get that and the results are terrible. Good luck with EVERYTHING and don’t let the drama she chooses mess up one second of your special day. : )
Post # 22
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I also agree with sending a letter- helps to break the ice before any phone calls. “I know Nana has told you that I’m getting married…I’m so excited…I hope you can make it to our special day…”, maybe include a little background on your Fiance, how you met, etc. Then a call to follow up.