What to do about reluctant bridesmaid

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 18
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

futurekrachanko :  Tell her that you know being a bridesmaid is stressful and it seems like she had a lot going on so don’t worry about it if she cant be a bridesmaid and just be a guest of honor if its easier. Being a bridemaid is something a lot of people do for a friend because they feel obligated and find that it is just not fun. Remember on Sex and the City when they are all “thank Gd you arent doing bridesmaids”? I also have found its too expensive. Shower, shower gifts, batchelorette party, other things, a dress you’ll never wear again, the travel, hair, shoes, a wedding gift. Its a ton of money and effort to do for someone else. She should have just told you straight out but she probably felt bad telling the truth. Sorry you have to deal with this.

Post # 19
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

futurekrachanko :  Well if this is totally out of character for her, my guess would be that something is going on in her life. Maybe she’s depressed? Maybe she’s having huge financial problems? Something is obviously up and maybe she’s embarrassed or feels it’s just too personal to talk to you about. I wouldn’t write her off. 

Post # 20
Member
364 posts
Helper bee

Just get the dress for her or have your mom do it. And be proactive about measurements/sizing etc, (have you even asked her?) it isn’t that hard if you cared more about resolving this easily. Your Maid/Matron of Honor could handle it for you. I’ve done that. I will admit that even though I’m in the US, I’d never ask friends to wear something matching unless I paid for the cost myself for everyone and I’d probably never prefer overpriced and ordering-required “bridesmaids-type” dresses- partially for some of the problems that it causes for friends (like it has for you w this bridesmaid)- not necessary. I didn’t require anything specific of my bridesmaids, and I STILL bought a dress for one who seemed to be going through a tough time. (It was just a dresss she liked a lot that she also wanted to wear to the wedding.)

It’s ridiculous to be this worked up over what events she does or doesn’t attend and whether she’s ordered her dress 7mos before your wedding. You are overreacting and trying to use this stuff to decide a lot about her character and your friendship. I’ve never known a bride to have an event months and months before the wedding just to have her bridesmaids get to know each other- they’re your friends or relatives, not each other’s. Add in the engagement party and who knows what other events you’re semi-stalking her at- I’m overwhelmed and I’m not even a part of it.

Post # 21
Member
7905 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I also suspect that there might be some personal problems in her life that are limiting her involvement. I would frame your communication with her as concern for her wellbeing and also telling her that you understand if life things make it too difficult for her to be in the wedding. I would feel really bad going on and on about my own wedding if my friend had some major personal issues in her life. 

Post # 22
Member
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

Sounds like she has also lot going on personally and maybe she’s afraid to discuss it with anyone. Maybe she’ll open up to you soon and let you know what’s going on with her. I would purchase the dress and just pull her to the side and let her know you did without anyone knowing. She may really need a friend but don’t want to feel like she’s bothering people with her personal issues. 

Post # 23
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

Have you tried asking your friend if anything new is going on in her life? Maybe your conversations are one sided about wedding related things? Maybe she has something really personal going on she doesn’t want to bother you about or be a Debbie downer?

However, regardless of her reasons if she can’t be honest with you, a simple yes or no to an event would suffice. She didn’t have to mislead you and make you drive out for her to flake on you. Do you badger her or try to overly accomodate her if she says no to something? Maybe she feels guilty and pressured?

If she doesn’t open up to you about her life simply ask her if she still is able to be a bridesmaid and you would understand if she couldn’t anymore. 

Post # 24
Member
2410 posts
Buzzing bee

Has she always been flakey like this? 

Also, it feels like to recurring theme here is she keeps avoiding the act of ordering the dress or even getting measured for it.  Any chance she is secretly trying to diet and doesn’t want to order her dress yet?   You mentioned she’s  dry busty and complains about clothes not fitting her body. 

Post # 25
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

futurekrachanko :  Maybe she can’t afford it and is too embarassed to say. Ugh dealing with coordinating a bunch of women sounds like a nightmare! My friends can be like this too but then the second you give them the freedom to move on they get all offended. Other night, a girlfriend spent an hour complaining how tired she is, I ran into people I knew at the bar so I finally told her she should just take an Uber home if she was done for the night since I was enjoying myself, this ensues her complete melt down that I’m trying to ditch her. SMH!

Post # 27
Member
1618 posts
Bumble bee

There is literally no way I could have made it easier for her.

and there is literally no way she could make it clearer that she doesn’t want to be in your wedding.

Whatever her reasons, just get it over with already and tell her she is no longer a bridesmaid. You can be nice or be blunt, but rip off that bandaid.

Post # 28
Member
1919 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

futurekrachanko : It sounds like she may be having some depression issues…? This is a guess. You stated, on a week where the father had the kid, she told you she didn’t have child care. Maybe she is depressed over relationships/life issues? Maybe she doesn’t want to see happy couples? I am so guessing… is she in a relationship? It sounds like she is a single mom? She is the only single mom amoung the BM?

I would either:

1.) Make NO further attempts to contact her, except when you have the wedding time line. IF she shows up, shes a Bridesmaid or Best Man, if not… DO NOT contact her.

OR

2.) Call her, she will not answer. Leave a message, short but sweet. “Hey, I’m really getting the impression that you are avoiding me. I hope all is ok and I am here if you need to talk. It seems like maybe all the wedding events are too much. Please do not feel you have to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I still hope you can make the wedding as a guest. I’d love to see you there. I’ll get your invatation in the mail.”…. or something along those lines where it is stated she is a guest not a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

However, I do not see her attending your wedding at all. She does seem to be pushing away as a friend. Sorry bee.

Post # 29
Member
6806 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

futurekrachanko : I get that it’s hard to be someone’s friend when they go silent on you. My best friend gets severely depressed and when he’s like that he literally doesn’t want to talk to anybody. It sucks because I always want to be there for him in any way I can, but sometimes what people need is just space and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.  

My advice is to just let this go for now. The next several times you contact her shouldn’t have to do with your wedding AT ALL. Just text her to ask how she’s doing, maybe she wants to grab coffee? Just be a normal friend. Your wedding is still far enough away. She knows when the wedding is. She knows she has to order a dress. There’s nothing you can really do in the meantime.

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