Post # 16
llevinso : She was never like this. We have always told eachother everything and that’s why this is so hard. I’ve never seen this side of her until about 3 months ago. And when I say planned events I mean 3. and they didn’t start until the wedding was a year away. I took the girls out for mani pedis, I did a diy day to start some centerpeices and such (and provided music, food, drinks, etc. it was not slave labor) and an engagement pary that my fiances family threw for us. Each time I made it clear it was 100% optional of course. Each time I was told that OMG OF COURSE SHE WOULD 100% BE THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 and each time I had to call her an hour or so into the event to make sure she wasn’t in an accident or anything and each time I got that 1) no gas money (so I drove out to get her and she wasn’t even home) 2) no childcare (it was the fathers week to have the kid and he posted pics on fb of him and the child at the zoo) 3) no ride ( even though she texted me that she was 20 minutes away at one point?) I have tried to have discussions with her in person (won’t meet me) on the phone (straight to voicemail) via text (no response) fb dms (read but no response).
Post # 17
btob17 : I would but I have no clue what size she would wear. She is short, but busty, and she always complains that things that fit her chest don’t fit anywhere else. So like I wouldn’t know what size to buy her
Post # 18
futurekrachanko : Tell her that you know being a bridesmaid is stressful and it seems like she had a lot going on so don’t worry about it if she cant be a bridesmaid and just be a guest of honor if its easier. Being a bridemaid is something a lot of people do for a friend because they feel obligated and find that it is just not fun. Remember on Sex and the City when they are all “thank Gd you arent doing bridesmaids”? I also have found its too expensive. Shower, shower gifts, batchelorette party, other things, a dress you’ll never wear again, the travel, hair, shoes, a wedding gift. Its a ton of money and effort to do for someone else. She should have just told you straight out but she probably felt bad telling the truth. Sorry you have to deal with this.
Post # 19
futurekrachanko : Well if this is totally out of character for her, my guess would be that something is going on in her life. Maybe she’s depressed? Maybe she’s having huge financial problems? Something is obviously up and maybe she’s embarrassed or feels it’s just too personal to talk to you about. I wouldn’t write her off.
Post # 20
Just get the dress for her or have your mom do it. And be proactive about measurements/sizing etc, (have you even asked her?) it isn’t that hard if you cared more about resolving this easily. Your Maid/Matron of Honor could handle it for you. I’ve done that. I will admit that even though I’m in the US, I’d never ask friends to wear something matching unless I paid for the cost myself for everyone and I’d probably never prefer overpriced and ordering-required “bridesmaids-type” dresses- partially for some of the problems that it causes for friends (like it has for you w this bridesmaid)- not necessary. I didn’t require anything specific of my bridesmaids, and I STILL bought a dress for one who seemed to be going through a tough time. (It was just a dresss she liked a lot that she also wanted to wear to the wedding.)
It’s ridiculous to be this worked up over what events she does or doesn’t attend and whether she’s ordered her dress 7mos before your wedding. You are overreacting and trying to use this stuff to decide a lot about her character and your friendship. I’ve never known a bride to have an event months and months before the wedding just to have her bridesmaids get to know each other- they’re your friends or relatives, not each other’s. Add in the engagement party and who knows what other events you’re semi-stalking her at- I’m overwhelmed and I’m not even a part of it.
Post # 21
I also suspect that there might be some personal problems in her life that are limiting her involvement. I would frame your communication with her as concern for her wellbeing and also telling her that you understand if life things make it too difficult for her to be in the wedding. I would feel really bad going on and on about my own wedding if my friend had some major personal issues in her life.
Post # 22
Sounds like she has also lot going on personally and maybe she’s afraid to discuss it with anyone. Maybe she’ll open up to you soon and let you know what’s going on with her. I would purchase the dress and just pull her to the side and let her know you did without anyone knowing. She may really need a friend but don’t want to feel like she’s bothering people with her personal issues.
Post # 23
Have you tried asking your friend if anything new is going on in her life? Maybe your conversations are one sided about wedding related things? Maybe she has something really personal going on she doesn’t want to bother you about or be a Debbie downer?
However, regardless of her reasons if she can’t be honest with you, a simple yes or no to an event would suffice. She didn’t have to mislead you and make you drive out for her to flake on you. Do you badger her or try to overly accomodate her if she says no to something? Maybe she feels guilty and pressured?
If she doesn’t open up to you about her life simply ask her if she still is able to be a bridesmaid and you would understand if she couldn’t anymore.
Post # 24
Has she always been flakey like this?
Also, it feels like to recurring theme here is she keeps avoiding the act of ordering the dress or even getting measured for it. Any chance she is secretly trying to diet and doesn’t want to order her dress yet? You mentioned she’s dry busty and complains about clothes not fitting her body.
Post # 25
futurekrachanko : Maybe she can’t afford it and is too embarassed to say. Ugh dealing with coordinating a bunch of women sounds like a nightmare! My friends can be like this too but then the second you give them the freedom to move on they get all offended. Other night, a girlfriend spent an hour complaining how tired she is, I ran into people I knew at the bar so I finally told her she should just take an Uber home if she was done for the night since I was enjoying myself, this ensues her complete melt down that I’m trying to ditch her. SMH!
Post # 26
Thanks for all of the comments. I have tried very hard to talk with her about her life and tried to be a friend… which is hard when she literally will not respond to me or anyone we mutually know. And i am not sire how i am stalking her with wedding things. I mention them onve. Mention its completely optional and that i know everyone has a life. Spa day was my way of thanking them and honestly juat wamting to see them. Diy day was just me seeking some feedback on things and again conpletely optional with no consequemces of not going. Engagement party was thrown my fmil and she invited them. It was at a local winery and just an excuse to listen to a band and get a little tipsy. If she were waiting to order the dress that would be fine … if she didnt lie about it…..
Post # 27
There is literally no way I could have made it easier for her.
and there is literally no way she could make it clearer that she doesn’t want to be in your wedding.
Whatever her reasons, just get it over with already and tell her she is no longer a bridesmaid. You can be nice or be blunt, but rip off that bandaid.
Post # 28
futurekrachanko : It sounds like she may be having some depression issues…? This is a guess. You stated, on a week where the father had the kid, she told you she didn’t have child care. Maybe she is depressed over relationships/life issues? Maybe she doesn’t want to see happy couples? I am so guessing… is she in a relationship? It sounds like she is a single mom? She is the only single mom amoung the BM?
I would either:
1.) Make NO further attempts to contact her, except when you have the wedding time line. IF she shows up, shes a Bridesmaid or Best Man, if not… DO NOT contact her.
2.) Call her, she will not answer. Leave a message, short but sweet. “Hey, I’m really getting the impression that you are avoiding me. I hope all is ok and I am here if you need to talk. It seems like maybe all the wedding events are too much. Please do not feel you have to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I still hope you can make the wedding as a guest. I’d love to see you there. I’ll get your invatation in the mail.”…. or something along those lines where it is stated she is a guest not a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
However, I do not see her attending your wedding at all. She does seem to be pushing away as a friend. Sorry bee.
Post # 29
futurekrachanko : I get that it’s hard to be someone’s friend when they go silent on you. My best friend gets severely depressed and when he’s like that he literally doesn’t want to talk to anybody. It sucks because I always want to be there for him in any way I can, but sometimes what people need is just space and it has absolutely nothing to do with you.
My advice is to just let this go for now. The next several times you contact her shouldn’t have to do with your wedding AT ALL. Just text her to ask how she’s doing, maybe she wants to grab coffee? Just be a normal friend. Your wedding is still far enough away. She knows when the wedding is. She knows she has to order a dress. There’s nothing you can really do in the meantime.
Post # 30
PrincessPoopsicle : No. I have always said that I have never been and never will be the center of their life. When I go out to get her it’s because she asks ex: Oh I would love to go, but my car’s in the shop. Would I be terrible if I asked to bum a ride off you? I have tried asking her if she wants to have a Netflix night or get some coffee or something and she just wants nothing to do with me. I don’t badger her. We go months at a time between texts. I have always maintained that I am here for her no matter what, she just doesn’t seem to want our friendship anymore.