- 7 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
(Sorry for the anonymous account — I have an account I use for regular posting, but I kind of want to be anonymous for this one.)
I have a friend who I’m MoHing for this spring, and I’ve asked her to be one of my bridesmaids for my wedding this fall. We used to be best friends when we were in college, and I was eager and happy to take on the honor of being her MoH when she asked me a year and a half ago. But in the past year and a half, she’s changed a lot.
I’m not sure if it has to do with the stress of wedding planning or what, but ever since last spring, I’ve wondered who stole my best friend and put a doppelganger in her place. My best friend used to be a kind, empathetic person — sure, she had her bad days, but she was a lot of fun to be around and had lots of traits you’d expect in a great friend. When I went to visit her last spring, she was like a different person She’s holding a wedding that would hold its own as an upscale city wedding, and her attitude about everything to do with planning started being demanding and angry.
I’ve been down with the fact that she wants to go all out for her wedding, and I’ve been prepared to go along with getting the spray tan she’s requiring me to get, going dress shopping (requiring a three-hour drive either way on my part) three times, wearing whatever she wants me to wear in her wedding. I’ve tried to support her when she’s been ridiculously stressed out because nothing in her planning process has gone her way. At the same time, over the past year, she has become increasingly rude to me. She’s made it clear in her tone of voice and through snide comments that she thinks I’m low-class because I work in a public service minimum wage job, as does my Fiance. She’s never met his family, but whenever I talk about them (they’re your basic rural country folks, just like my own family, and really, just like her family), she gets this look like I shock her with how “country” we all are. She’s lectured me a number of times, saying I should move to a city so I can make more money, clearly thinks that because I don’t live on my own I’m not a real adult, says I’m too attached to my family because I refuse to move away from my mother and aging grandmother.
I felt obligated to ask her to be one of my bms because she’d asked me to be one of hers, but this week, I’ve been wondering if that was a mistake. I’ve told her very little of my wedding plans because I’ve heard her go on and on about how another wedding she went to (with a $15K budget) was horrible and “tacky.” Before I got engaged, we were talking about it and I said that any wedding I’d ever have would by no means be over $10K, she actually got angry with me and told me I was being stupid and my wedding would be horrible.
Now that I actually am engaged, working with a budget of around $5K, I’m planning a homey, rustic, church wedding that will be a good fit for my Fiance and I and our families. Our families would freak out if we spent tons of money on paper or catering. I’m thrilled and excited that our family members are all pulling together to help make the food and do anything they can for us. I love crafts, and I’m super excited about a lot of my DIY projects. I’ve been SO excited to see how so many people are contributing to our wedding, and from the start, I’ve just been happy to marry my awesome Fiance, not just to throw a big fancy party.
My friend saw on facebook that I’m planning a lot of DIY, and she snarkily asked me if I was serious. I thought the best way to respond was to tell her yes, I was serious, and I added that my DIY projects open up money for other things in the budget (like saving for a house downpayment, or being able to take a honeymoon!) and that I was really looking forward to making them. She wrote back that I needed to reconsider, that these projects would set the overall tone of my wedding, and asked incredulously what my Mom would think of it (as if my Mom would be shocked at my tastelessness, when my Mom, my Fiance, and his family are all behind our crafty hometown wedding 100% and are helping like crazy).
I’m getting tired of spending money on her wedding and trying to be a good, supportive MoH when I feel like she’s trying to tear me down and won’t even give me, my Fiance, and our families respect. She’s already called the entire rest of our wedding party “weird” because most of us are pretty geeky (including Fiance and I), and I just get the feeling that she’s going to make everyone uncomfortable and hurt feelings with her attitude if it gets any worse.
I know I need to air some of this with her — it’s hard because I haven’t called her out on any of it before, which I’m realizing is a huge mistake. Before, I thought it just affected me, but now I’m seeing how she has the potential to be rude to people I really care about, and I really don’t want that to happen.
I don’t want to explain myself by drawing comparisons between our families or our FIs or anything like that, even when I think that has something to do with the situation — I just don’t think that would be right. Nor do I want to talk about our money differences — I like my family-centric, rustic, handcrafted wedding! It’s what I always wanted, and no amount of money would change that. But I do feel like I need to let her know that she is being rude.
On top of that, I’m wondering a whole different thing — if I should just pull out of her wedding and ask her to step out of mine entirely. I mean, I really feel like I owe it to the friend she used to be to try to work things out first, but a part of me is wondering if this won’t be what it comes to in the end, anyway.
Ehhh… sorry for the long, venty post, and if you made it through, thank you for listening. Any advice? What would you do?