(Closed) what to do about super hostile family members? can i uninvite?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

@roseann.colgan:

If they’re from out of town, then it might be hard/rude to uninvite them if they’ve already bought plane tickets and whatnot.  If they’re in the same city, then I would uninvite them.  Harsh, but I don’t need debbie downer, finger-pointing family members at an event that’s supposed to be happy. 

You might not have contacted them, but they didn’t contact you either.

Post # 4
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I honestly didn’t read anything hostile into that email.

Post # 5
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

@roseann.colgan: i may not understand the whole story on this, but they don’t seem particularly hostile to me. the message you quoted seems curious but supportive. maybe you could explain to them that you’d like to get back in touch and thought the wedding was a good chance to reconnect. i don’t think it’s totally unusual to fall out of contact with extended family or friends over the years, but the fact that you are trying to reconnect should be seen to them as a good thing. i dunno, my rambling’s probably not helping much…

Post # 6
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Like you mentioned, this could sever ties. If you’re okay with that, then do it. Sometimes we just have to stand up for ourselves when people continue to put the blame off of themselves. Now, if you’ll regret this 10 years from now, I would be very careful.

I can tell you that I probably either wouldn’t have invited them or would be like “It was only a courtesy invite. Do not feel obligated to come if you feel that there is any animosity.” Or…something. I dk. Then again, I have little to no patience for self-centered people that are convinced everyone else should contact them first and put no effort into relationships (read: them) lol.

Post # 7
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@roseann.colgan: If you really want to work things out, I wouldn’t e-mail any further with them and I would instead pick up the phone. I would explain to them exactly what you explained to us… how you want things to be okay and saw this as an opportunity to mend bridges. It seems like they want to make things better if they’re making the effort to e-mail you back and to travel to come to your wedding. Try not to read so much into an e-mail because sometimes it’s easy to misinterpret tone and meaning. CALL if you want this to work. Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@roseann.colgan: She may very well have meant the comment in a sarcastic way, but she also may not have. That’s why I think it’s important for you to have an open dialogue on the phone. Be completely honest and transparent about how you feel, including the fact that the calling and reaching out shouldn’t all have been just on you. If the conversation goes well, then obviously keep the invite out there. If the conversation backfires, then I don’t think you’ll even need to worry about uninviting them as I’m sure they won’t want to spend the money on travelling to your wedding.

Post # 10
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I didn’t think her e-mail was hostile. I would simply reply that you’re a bit confused by her e-mail, because it’s not like the ever called you either, and that for a long time you worked to keep in touch, but since they never bothered contacting you and you were always the one getting ahold of them, you weren’t sure they even wanted to be in contact, but you thought you’d reach out with the wedding invitation.

Post # 12
Member
5762 posts
Bee Keeper

Did they even know you were engaged? I can see why they may be surprised to randomly receive a wedding invitation, as I’ve felt that way before, wondering why now? People always say weddings aren’t supposed to be ‘family reunions’, but in many cases they are exactly that. Uncle Joe and Aunt Marilyn get invited because they are ‘family’. I’ve also thought at times I was only being invited for a gift, as I’d had little to no contact for a few years, but I got invited!

I guess you have to decide now how to deal with it since they’ve already been invited, and it sounds like they’re happy…and a little surprised.

Post # 13
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I would call your cousins to chat. Ask how the baby/new job/new relationship is going. Tell them that you hope you can keep in touch more. But don’t play the blame game. You can be the bigger person here and just move forward rather than worrying about who did or didn’t cause the non-communication. And don’t mention your cousins being rude at other weddings. It really won’t help the current situation.

And just FYI – you might consider changing your screen name if that’s your real name. You can find these wedding boards via Google very easily.

Post # 14
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

@roseann.colgan: I can see how you were offended by that email.  They seem to be passive-aggressively saying you’ve been blowing them off for the past year.  We have this problem with some of my family.  While I love them dearly, all we hear when we drive the four hours to see them, is that we don’t visit enough and need to come more, and call more.  Literally, the whole time.  We visit them more times a year than they’ve taken the time to drive to see us in the past 14 years.  Visiting and calling is a two-way street, so its not just you, its both groups.  And it sounds like you tried for a while, but gave up when they didn’t reciprocate so I don’t what they expected.

I would call and clarify how you feel with them, misunderstandings happen a lot over email, texts, or facebook so I would just let them know you’re using this opportunity to reconnect and see them, but if they feel slighted then they are under no obligation to come.

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