Post # 1
I have found myself in a pickle. My fiancee and I have planned and budgeted for a small wedding of about 50 guests. We are in a same-sex relationship and have been for 3 years and in that time, I just came out this spring. It was hard enough to tell my siblings and parents. I had not intended on coming out to my extended family because they are very conservative and I just did not want to deal with the added stress. I attended a family function back in May and wore my engagement ring. Once the relatives took notice, the gossip started and one of my cousins accidentally outed me. So now everyone knows. Certain members of my family have actually invited themselves to the wedding, and I was just not prepared for this. One family member went out and purchased an expensive suit just for our wedding…a wedding to which he has not been invited.
I don’t know what to do. Honestly, the budget is tight as it is, and I don’t know how I could accommodate everyone. I have one cousin who doesn’t agree with gay marriage or gay relationships, and for that reason, she expressed that she would not attend the ceremony (please note she was not invited anyway), but she has invited herself to the reception!!!! I am at a loss. I am so touched that my family wants to support me and come to the wedding. And I do want them there. I just do not know if we can afford it. Any advice? This has been haunting me for weeks!
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2009 - Bernardo Winery
First off, Congrats on your engagement!!!
Is there anyway you could have a dinner party at your place after the wedding and invite those uninvited ppl? Tell them you’re keep the wedding very small, but you would love to celebrate w/ them and then to a small party a month after or so. You could even just do aps and no dinner.
Post # 4
Um – your cousin doesn’t support your marriage, but wants to attend the party celebrating it? Does this strike anybody else as hypocritical or at least weird?
Since they are supporting you when others are not, I think it would be great if you could squeeze some more guests in. That said, budgets are definitely tight and I like Ms. Frenchie’s idea of a party after the wedding. Their support of your union should be recognized in some way.
Post # 5
first thing, the cousin that doesnt agree with gay marriages so she wont attend the cermony but will happily sit down at your expese to stuff her face with food at the reception – do not let this woman enter the premises at all! if she can stand so firmly on her beliefs she can do it on an empty stomach!
as Ms French said above, can you have a small get together later on, even if its just light nibblies and drinks? otherwise spread the word and get some family members who are invited to start telling people that its a very small event with very limited space.
the sooner you start spreading the word the sooner people will know where they stand on the invite situation
Post # 6
Congrats! I agree with pp’s, a small party.
Post # 7
Wow, what a hypocrite your cousin is! I don’t accept gay marriage, but I’ll sure come and eat your food and not bring you a gift!
Do you have any wiggle room in your budget? Could you possibly cut back on a food or alcohol?
Post # 8
I agree with Frenchie. Just no invitation (do they know when/where? if so then you might have to say something) and then have maybe a relative that supports you throw a BBQ or a casual dinner party that they can all attend to celebrate. Congrats and you should enjoy it!
I have people who had invited themselves and continued to say stuff (can’t wait to get the save the date! etc) and eventually i had to email them all and say while I’d love to have you all, we have to keep it mostly family due to budget. They were very understanding and probably a little embarassed for their assumption (as they should be!!!!!)
Post # 9
You could always do what celebrities do and give a wrong time/date to those not invited.
Or how about kindly turning the tables on you cousin and thanking her for her most generous gift of paying for the dinner/reception that she invited herself to?
Sorry, I really don’t have anything super constructive to say. I’m just amazed at the gall of some people!! Srsly!!
Post # 10
congrats on your engagement and up coming wedding. would it be possible to have a cocktail reception instead of a sit down reception. It seems your family is very happy for you and want to celebrate your union.
I unfortunately do not know of a nice way to let your family down.
Post # 11
Just gonna say this for those looking down on her family … I have a close cousin that was married at the SF City Hall when it was legal last September. I do not support or agree with same sex marriage, but I love her just the same.
I don’t think it is fair to judge the OP’s conservative family. They obvisouly love her and support HER. They don’t have to agree with her choice of partner to celebrate with her.
I didn’t like my brother’s wife, and I wasn’t even allowed to attend the ceremony (mormon sealing) but I still went to the reception. In fact I drove over 6 hours to be there.
To the OP: We all have to deal with the uninvited or those that assume they will get an invite. I personally think it is best to just to take Miss Frenchies advice. Tell them it is a small/intimate affair and that you would love for them to come over for dinner or go out to dinner at a later date. Leave it at that.
Post # 12
@amber: I think you’re right that they love and support her. But if they believe that her relationship with her beloved is a sin, and that she will not be living a moral life until she ends it, then they shouldn’t be at her wedding.
Post # 13
Have you sent out invites yet? If not, then you might want to take Miss Frenchie‘s advice and just state that it’s going to be a small, budget-friendly, intimate affair and that, unfortunately, you couldn’t invite everyone. You might want do something like what Miss Mary Jane is doing and hold a "reception" afterwards (backyard BBQ, picnic, lunch at a restaurant, etc.), but then again, it is by no means required!
If, on the other hand, invites HAVE gone out and these people HAVEN’T received any, but are still inviting themselves…well, then you can explain the above, again, and feel righteous anger at their affront (especially if they KNOW invites have gone out).
Also, your cousin is annoying me. I hate hate HATE it when people skip the ceremony but attend the reception and somehow think that it’s okay! If you’re INVITED to one, but not the other (as Amber1279 was), then it’s alright, but otherwise it is a BIG no-no in my mind.
Post # 14
Gay marriage agreeing/not invited aside…. I simply can’t stand it when ANYone skips the ceremony and goes to the reception. That in and of itself offends me.
Post # 15
I cant believe someone who doesnt agree with same sex marriage wont go to the ceremony, but wants a free dinner and a good time??? WTF? I need to stop reading these etiquette posts because I get so angry!
Post # 16
My fiance and I know A LOT of people and we aren’t able to invite everyone we WANTED to, let alone the random people. My guest list was the most difficult part of my wedding planning. To accommodate at least some of the “uninvited”, we’re hosting a small reception at the church with just cake, punch, and hd’s. At the formal reception, if uninviteds show they will be offered to wait until all invited’s have arrived before they’ll be seated. If all invited’s show, the uninvited’s will be turned away.
P.S. I have NO PROBLEM in turning away uninviteds…they’re uninviteds for a reason, whether it’s budget, capacity, or relationship. At the end of the day, somebody will ALWAYS be offended. We can control other people’s expectations.