(Closed) What to do?? Help Please…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 48
Member
720 posts
Busy bee

I get concerned when I hear young brides say things like “1,000 is not much to me.”  I hate how these threads about how so and so wants a bigger ring spiral into bashing the OP for being selfish or not loving her Fiance when they should really be concerned that these young (and most of them are young) kids want things that are way beyond their means.  Remember the thread about the girl with the 100K wedding when she and her Fi were making less than half of that in a year?  I find it hard to believe that every one of these brides are exceptions to the “college kids just starting out and still in school are poor and cannot afford all the things” rule.

OP, like I said, if you really have enough for everything you want (house down payment, wedding fund, emergency fund, plus 10K for a 1.5 carat ideal cut diamond, which again will probably run you at least 50k for everything), this does not apply to you.  But I would be astounded if that was the case.  

Post # 50
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

If you want something, get it for yourself. Your ring was a gift, a very expensive gift by most people’s standards (maybe not yours, sure.) and that is that.

Post # 52
Member
5155 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

I have no problems with women wishing for an upgrade or a different style and talking to their partner about it to figure out together what they want to do.

I do think people are quite annoyed by the way you have brought the question here though. $1,000 is not cheap, and $6,000 is certainly not cheap. Not only are you insulting many womens rings on here, you do seem slightly out of touch with (most people’s) reality. It does not sound like your mother helps matters either. Shame on her for telling you you “deserve” better than a 1/2 carat and putting your value or your FIs worthiness on the ring.

Your Fiance has said he is not going to buy a bigger ring and feels he put enough into it. If you want one, buy it yourself. You have said you can afford it.

I never had an ering originally, had a ringless proposal and never found something I liked before the wedding. To me that did not matter. I married my husband as I wanted him, and our life together, not a ring. I have got rings since, but to me I have never felt I “deserved” them in the way you seem to, and my “ering style” rings have certainly not been thousands of dollars – they were what what I loved AND what worked on our budget. My current rings are my dream rings but they also came from my own finances too!

If you want to marry someone who puts more emphasis on gifts, you need to find someone who is like that. Not try and change your Fiance into that guy.

I do hope you have and are talking a lot more about marriage – including finances and other expectations – than you indicated you did before and seem to have done since.

Post # 54
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

View original reply
@coconutsl0ve:  Should have said ‘him’ not ‘home’…stupid autocorrect

Post # 55
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Sometimes if you get a really good quality diamond, the size is smaller. Is your ring smaller because of this?

Why don’t you wait till you’re 5 years into your careers, can afford it and buy yourself the ring you really want.

I feel a little bad for your Fiance…it’s never nice to spend a grand on something and have someone tell you it’s not enough. I also think maybe your mum should be a more supportive of his choice…sorry :/

Post # 56
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

View original reply
@RayKay:  What this lady said.

I’m 43, and if I had a 20 year old daughter displaying your sense of entitlement, instead of encouraging it, I’d be wondering where I’d gone wrong. 

Btw, it’s ‘If YOU’RE going to insult me…etc’  I take statements like that more seriously when they are spelt correctly.  

You may find it hard to get any advice you are going to like. You’ve probably insulted many of the women here…and if you find their opinions ‘insulting’…well, at the end of the day you may have to get used to it.  Your Fiance has already indicated he will not be upgrading your ring. Either accept that, or end the relationship. 

 

Post # 57
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

OP I think it’s your choice of words that has gotten so many people to respond negatively. I deserve. Only $1k. Only $6k. Cheap. They have money but they still don’t give gifts. These give the impression of a very materialistic person, and while you may not be that way in real life, it’s the picture you’ve chosen through your words to give your audience. With many readers here working full-time, working two jobs, and wishing there was another $1k or $6k floating around, it’s bound to raise some uncomfortable responses.

I’d suggest that you work on your wording before you speak to your fiancé so that you avoid the same negative reactions. You have put a lot of energy and love into your relationship; you deserve the same in return, but no one deserves a big honkin’ rock for just doing what it takes to keep a relationship on track. Identify the REAL reasons you want a bigger ring (which in the end may surprise you) and try to avoid any wording that will make you look materialistic, greedy or unrealistic.

Post # 58
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s a public forum…unless someone is breaking the TOS, you can’t tell them to not comment. 

There is really no way to give advice here. You want advice on how to tell your Fiance you want a bigger ring, when clearly that is a selfish and unreasonable demand to make. Wanting him to recognize your bday and Valentine’s day is totally reasonable, and if that was your concern I’d be right there with you and giving you advice. But that is not your concern – you concern is on the fact that he ONLY spent 1k on your ring and you ‘deserve’ more. No one DESERVES a 4k diamond. My DH had about 80k in savings when we got engaged…and wanna know how much my ring cost? Same as yours. I love it, and I also love the fact that we were also able to put a good down payment on a nice house and already have a nice retirement fund going in our 20s, putting us in great shape for our future. Yeah, I know you said you guys are saving for that stuff too, but your priorities need some serious work.

Post # 59
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011 - Catholic Church, Lakeview Golf Resort and Spa

If you really want this ring and 6K is not that much to you, why don’t you just buy it for yourself? I can understand not liking your ring, but at the end of the day, if your Fiance doesn’t feel comfortable spending the money and you do, then buy it yourself. If you don’t have the money and it’s really a priority for you, you could:

a.) get a job–or an extra job if you already have one that would not allow you sufficient funds.

b.) take out a loan (or a store credit card)–something I’d personally never do, but it would be a means to an end.

c.) move around your wedding budget so that you can take the $6K from there. If $6K doesn’t seem like that much money to you, I assume your wedding budget is higher than that. Edit: Just read that your wedding is under $5K–so this is irrelevant.

If this all really boils down to you being disappointed that your Fiance won’t spend that amount on a ring, I think you need to get over it, or end the relationship if it’s really that much of a deal breaker.

It seems like your Fiance is a lot like me and would rather save for things that are important to us (like downpayments on houses and emergency funds) and spend much less on things we find a little more frivolous at our ages (i.e. I would have slapped my husband with a crazy stick if he had spent more than 2K on my ring–but maybe in 5 to 10 years it won’t sound as nuts).

It doesn’t mean that either of you is wrong, just that you guys have different priorities. I think you need to have a big talk. If he is really against gifts at birthdays, spending a lot of money on material things, etc. and that’s important to you–there will possibly be a lot of problems in your future, especially if you have children. It’s easy to think, “Oh, my Fiance will change and see it my way,” but that really doesn’t happen as often as you would think and he’s probably thinking the same thing about you.

It’s good to have these conversations now, before you are legally bound to one another, to help you decide if you both will be happy 20 years down the road.

Post # 60
Member
2606 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

View original reply
@coconutsl0ve:  I feel like he should though. It’s a gift for me. He misses my birthdays, x-mas, etc., and gets me a small ring.

Many people, myself included, do not consider engagement rings to be gifts.  Depending on what state you’re from, the courts may or may not agree with you.  http://articles.cnn.com/2008-01-07/living/diamond.not.forever_1_ring-family-law-engagement?_s=PM:LIVING  Just something to keep in mind.

If you want him to give you gifts for birthdays, etc., then you need to talk to him about that, but that’s a completely separate issue.

Post # 61
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would be careful on how you bring this up to him… when a man gets told that what he did or bought wasn’t good enough… thats a huge blow to his self confidence and his manhood. In order for you guys that have an adult conversation about it try to think about where he is coming from and relate to his side of it. I hope everything works out.

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