(Closed) What to do in this situation? Don't want to start having fights with DH.

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 62
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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sweetpink:  “…she should have gotten another job to save money a long time ago before bringing her mom here, she should have started school a long time ago too, now she is stuck with school for a year and a half AND two jobs, seriously?”

Do you not see the irony here? You could completely turn this around on yourself — you wanted privacy, not having the OWNERS of a house exercise free rein of said house by entering whatever rooms they please, and not to have parenting “advice” laid on you at every turn? Seriously?? You should have saved up for you own place before deciding the get married and have a baby!

Sounds judgemental when I say it like that doesn’t it? It’s kind of the same as what you’re doing to his mom though.

You can’t control what other people do — only what YOU do. if you want the privacy of a married couple capable of raising a child on their own — then you need to get your own place. You can’t really set boundaries very effectively in someone else’s place, with who they let come stay in it or how they behave in it.

You have to be able to talk things like this over with the man you are married to — with his mom’s schedule, there will always be something that comes up or some reason he feels obligated to step in. No way she will actually only stay for one night. You need to sit down, let each person communicate their feelings on the matter, and work together to come to a fair compromise, and then you each need to respect eachother by actually honoring the decision.

If you can’t do that, then you have much bigger problems then his grandmother — your marriage wouldn’t be ending “because of his family,” it would be ending because of your inability to communicate and work together. If it’s not this, it will be the next problem that sends you into another tailspin. I would really urge counseling so an unbiased third party can help you learn some skills to communicate and compromise.

Post # 63
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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KellyTee:  agreed!

OP, ask him how he’d feel if he had to share a sleeping space with your father or grandfather. It would be different if you had your own place with a guest bedroom. Then I would say to keep Grandma maybe once a week overnight. But you are living with your parents and have a small child already. I could never share a bed with my husband’s grandma! 

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by .
Post # 65
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

 

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polyblonde:  well said!

Post # 66
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Being married you are his family now too.  You shouldn’t be afraid to converse with him about anything.  This is a partnership and should be approached as such.  You need to sit down and talk to him.  Fighting VIA text message is only going to make things worse.

Post # 67
Member
14135 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I still don’t understand. Is this  for one night only or not? If it’s a one time deal,  I’d take the sofa and let H sleep wherever the heck he wants to sleep.  The floor?!   Or let his grandmother take the sofa.  Sleeping with his grandmother in the same bed would be a deal breaker for me.

What about buying an air mattress for her to sleep on if it’s only an occasional thing? 

Post # 68
Member
526 posts
Busy bee

If you can’t say anything about this without him getting mad at you, like you keep saying, I don’t think there is anything you CAN do. 

Post # 70
Member
978 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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polyblonde:  Yes yes and yes! Pot meet kettle

Post # 71
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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sweetpink:  I think you missed my point. I don’t care what contributed to your living situation, the point (which you proved by justifying/explaining your situation) is that peeople have their reasons and you’re in no place to judge them. She probably has plenty of rationale for making the decisions she made, and her mind they were right.

Just like I and others on this thread might say “Seriously!?!?!” when I hear you complain about privacy and unsolicited advice….while living with mom and dad, it’s not my place to do so because you have your reasons, which in your mind, are valid.Since you asked people for advice, I will confidently say “move out” but his mom isn’t asking for your opinion.

The reason I brought all of that up was to try to change your perspective, because you have no control over others. Opining over their decisions and letting them get to you is a waste of time and sanity. Worst of all, blaming them means you get NO WHERE. Channel it into doing what YOU can to change your situation instead.

And again, your ability to communicate and work together with your husband to compromise is at the core of this, not his family. and thank GOD for that, because you will NEVER control his family. So, focus on what is within your control by siting down with your husband and working this out calmy but specifically. I still would also urge counseling because it sounds like this is a recurring theme. And that’s not an insult, i go to therapy myself every week and have for years. Best thing you can ever do for your own mental health and the health of your relationships.

Post # 72
Member
14135 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’d tell him that you will absolutely not share your bed and that if he wants her to stay over on a very occasional basis, which you can define however you like,  he’s going to have to figure out  another sleeping arrangement for her. 

Post # 74
Member
1146 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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sweetpink:  i 100% agree with you. I’m just saying that arguing that someone else “should” do something won’t solve your problems. In fact, stating that to your husband will most likely put him on the defensive and kill any chance at a constructive conversation, whether he shares some of your feelings or not. Maybe he is not getting mad at you trying to talk to him, but is getting mad at your approach because it feels like attacking or insulting his family.

Your husband will have to stand up to his mother and grandmother and lay down the law regarding what you guys will and will not accept, and in order to get him to do that you will have to communicate and work out a compromise you can both agree to. You and he are clearly not on the same page in general regarding living space and family time, so you need to start by addressing that.

Leave his family out of it, and make it about you — sweetie i want to work together to create a living situation where we are both happy. For me that is having X amount of time to spend with you alone, sharing a bed with you, and XYZ. What is your idea of a happy routine/environment? Ok, what can we do to meet in the middle? Can we agree to have you talk to mom and make a plan for a weekly visit and set clear expectations on what sort of “help” she can and can’t expect from you on a daily basis? Can we agree to have me talk to my parents about putting a lock on our bedroom door, and trying to keep unsolicited advice to a minimum? This is what peeople mean when they say it takes “work” to make a marriage work.

I hope it works out ok for you, i would be on the edge of insanity in a house with that many people and apparently limited space, so i really do feel you on that. You can do this and really it’s agreat opportunity to work on communication and show yourselves you can handle challenges together and still come out feeling respected and loved by the other person.

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