Post # 1
I am in need of some major advice! My husband and I got married about 5 months ago and are having huge issues (in my opinion), issues that started before the marriage.
My husband is a great person but the feelings I had for him a year ago are no longer there. He is very moody/irritable/hot headed all of which I thought would get better after we got married, stupid me to think that! He sleeps on the couch almost every night, not necessarily because he wants to but because he is tired and is a hard sleeper so does not wake up to come to bed until morning when his alarm goes off. We have not had sex in almost 2 months, I just do not want him to touch me any more. I feel like I’m living with a roommate and not a partner. When we are home together he rarely talks to me, I feel like I’m all alone. It doesn’t seem that we have any of the same interests any longer.
What I’m asking for is advice. I do not feel love towards my husband any more and I don’t know that I will every feel that way again. I have tried so hard to work on things and lately he has been trying too, but the feelings just aren’t there. We got married for the wrong reasons. We both felt pressured in to getting married as all of our friends are married. It seemed like the next step to take. I know I should have thought long and hard about all of this BEFORE getting married and seen the red flags.
I would not say that my husband is abusive, but he does put me down and make me feel like I’m stupid. He has grabbed my arm out of anger before, but has never really hurt me physically. If I do not want to have sex with him he will roll over in bed (when he actually sleeps in bed) so fast and hard that he about pushes me off the bed. He will swear at me in public when I’ve done nothing to deserve it. My friends and family know of his temper and comment about it, but only since we got married has he acted out this way.
Today I have been calling around to see about marriage counseling. I feel like I am mentally checked out of the relationship. I do not want a divorce, but also do not want to stay in an unhappy relationship. I have recently gone back on birth control in order to prevent any further complications to our marriage. This kills me since I would love nothing more than to have a baby, but no longer want to have a baby with him.
Please, anyone who has been in my position…help me! BTW I am 25 years old…
Post # 3
I am sorry this is happening to you!
How long have you been together and when was the last time you felt like you loved him?
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
Just wondering, how long were you together before you got married?
Post # 5
@jessiebean: Thank you! We started dating in high school. Dated for about 4 years, broke up for a year and a half then got back together this last time when we ended up engaged and married. We have been back together for almost 4 years now.
Post # 6
I don’t think marriage forces you to stay in a loveless relationship. if you don’t love him, you need to move on. it doesn’t have to be right now, you can do it at your own pace, but it will happen, and it will be good
Post # 7
I am a firm believer that love is part emotion and part choice. Right now neither of you is choosing to love the other. I do think that marriage counseling is a good place to start. Is he open to it?
Post # 8
@bebero: My mom knows most of what is going on and she is really pushing counseling. I am willing to try it but know deep in my heart that I do not love my husband any more. I care about him and would hate to see something happen to him but do not feel love for him in a relationship way.
I do NOT want to get a divorce, especially after such a short time but do not want to waste years of my life like this either. I could truthfully say that I am miserable. Every day I wish I was somewhere else, other than at home with him. Many nights I will go to my friends and hang out with her just to get away from him. It’s very sad, I know.
Post # 9
@loveorleave: Do you want to TRY to save the marriage, or are you totally over it? If so, you guys need to get to counseling stat.
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2014 - Brazil Room
Yikes. Sounds somewhat how my first marriage went. All the problems we had before got worse and immediately he decided that he no longer wanted to have children with me. We did marriage counseling too… but keep in mind, it may take a few counselors before you find the right one. Unfortunately, we found a good one right when he had already checked out and decided to divorce me. I kept the therapist as my personal therapist after that and have done well. My marriage started to fall apart about 3 months in and he filed for divorce around 1 1/2 years in.
Post # 11
@howtobeawife: He is open to trying it, but is not too excited about it. He is a very closed off person and I will be very surprised if he is willing to open up to a stranger. He won’t even tell me anything!
Has anyone had experience with couple/marriage counseling? Has it been successful or not? I worry that the counselor will only be about saving the marriage instead of possibly seeing the negative side of it and leading us in the right direction.
Post # 12
@NovaGrey: That is exactly what happened. All the issues/problems we had before getting married got 100 times worse once we actually did get married. The first week after marriage was great and then every thing fell back in to its old ways. We fight constantly. My husband does want children but I know at this point that is the last thing we should do. I hope we can find a good therapist and get some help, but like I said I just don’t know if the feelings I had for him in the past are still there. I don’t even tell him that I love him any more. It makes me so sad to say that, I feel horrible about this and feel bad for him. Ugh! 🙁
Post # 13
Always go with your gut instinct, it will never steer you wrong. At least this is what my mother has taught me. If you feel something is wrong, it probably is. If you do not love him anymore, then you are in a love-less marriage, you do not need to feel stuck. I suggest individual counseling first to determine what is best for you. If the counselor suggests couples counseling then I would try it, but if after 5 more months if you still feel miserable I suggest you look into your options for divorce. Sorry hun, this has got to be very hard for you. You will learn a great deal no matter what happens. Don’t let others determine your happiness, only you truly know how you feel. Wishing you the best.
Post # 14
@loveorleave: “I would not say that my husband is abusive, but he does put me down and make me feel like I’m stupid.” Well, if you won’t say it, I will. He is abusive. Verbally, and if he grabbed your arm out of anger that is with INTENT to harm physically, even if he “never really hurt” you…YET. He, as the man you love and as your husband, should be a gentleman, and NEVER swear at you in public even IF you deserve it, which I doubt would ever be truly warranted. He should be able to hold it together until you can discuss it calmly and privately, rarely if ever raising his voice.
My first husband became increasingly abusive during our first year and a half of marriage starting with a couple months prior to our wedding. But, after our divorce, it didn’t take long for me to realize he had been abusive much longer than that, only I didn’t know to recognize it — I just wrote it off as “quirks.” Now I know better. He was a controlling, manipulative, sad, sad person, who needed and probably still needs a ton of help but I wasn’t going to stick around being his punching bag while he wasted time pretending to figure himself out. I know what it is like to not want a baby with a man like that.
Get help. Fast. Good that you are calling around for help. Keep going. Get counseling for yourself individually and as a couple if he is willing. If he is not willing, it is time for you to move on with your life and be happy.
Post # 15
@loveorleave: Last year, right around this time, Mr. 99 and I got REAL close to calling it quits…between his temper and my pent up resentment, our house was a hell hole…he totally withdrew from me and I was on auto-pilot out of self preservation and one day, I’m driving to work and he calls me out of the blue and says, “I love you, and we’re losing each other, I don’t want this marriage to fall apart, find a counselor and let’s go soon.” I started crying, he started crying, I went to work, found a great counselor who functioned in our vein of beliefs and we went for six months…I got to say the stuff I needed, he finally HEARD me and didn’t shut down and slowly, things healed, and repaired and changed.
You both have to want it, but it works if you both are willing to work.
Today, we are an amazing team…our communication is wicked, amazing, crazy, freaky bordering on the Vulcan Mind Meld level of awareness and we found out that even if things are shitty, and everything sucks, we’d rather be together than apart…and I count that as Thing No. 1 in our book of why we’re awesome.
Post # 16
@newbabybee: I am in a love-less marriage but I hate to just throw in the towel so soon. I do not feel I could ever love him like I should. Is it possible to fall in love with someone again after all the feelings are gone or is it best to just move on? I feel the love should just be there, it shouldn’t take SO much work.
@Cornflakegirl: After re-reading what I wrote, yes it does sound abusive and maybe I’m just being naive and don’t want to see it. If he ever hit me, then yes I would definitely leave him. That is not something I would ever put up with. The “emotional abuse” is a problem and I am tired of feeling like I’m stupid when I know I’m not. I have a great career and am in no way stupid or should be made to feel as though I am.
That is what I worry about, that he will continue to become more abusive. Way back in high school a few people told me that he had a major temper then…so I should have seen the red flags.
He is willing to get counseling so we are going to try it. If it doesn’t work out for us, we have at least tried to get help.