(Closed) What to do?! Is divorce in my future? ;-(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee

 What @Cornflakegirl said.  He is being abusive, maybe not physically but mentally and emotionally.  I would say your two options are try a seperation or counseling. Maybe even both.

Post # 33
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@loveorleave:  (HUGS) Ah, so the temper issues go as far back as high school for him. Already you are seeing the truth surface as to his history and behavior. I’m really glad for you that you acknowledge what is really going on with the abuse in your relationship. You must pay attention to those red flags now if you haven’t before. It is also good that you acknowledge the truth about yourself: that you are smart with a great career. Don’t let anyone, especially your husband, make you think or feel otherwise. A husband should lift you up, never tear you down. While there is no hitting going on, what you’re writing is textbook verbal/emotional abuse that would lead to physical abuse (He already grabbed your arm in anger, don’t forget that or belittle that incident. It counts!), so it is especially good to know you realize counseling is so crucial at this time.

My ex never sought help. I eventually ran down the street calling the cops on my cell phone and he was arrested retroactively for hitting me with a closed fist in the stomach a year prior. I realize your situation is different. I’m saying don’t be like me, don’t wait like I did. Be stronger, get help sooner, and learn from me. I hope I can save you a few steps along the way to your happiness. If ever you need to PM me I am happy to help.

Good on you both for seeking counseling together. I wish you the best.

Post # 34
Member
11466 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree with @Nona99: that the best place to begin is with finding a good, highly qualified counselor. My Darling Husband and I have been in couples counseling, and it has helped us tremendously.  Our counselor specializes in Imago theory, and we have found it to be very useful in helping us to understand ourselves, our own woundedness, and each other much better.

In addition, I wanted to say that I strongly believe that love, at its core, is a decisionnot a feeling, although deciding to show love to someone consistently  and without expecting immediate recipriocation, will absolutely bring about or re-ignite feelings of love for that person. It may also bring about some wonderful results within the other person.

Post # 37
Member
1010 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@loveorleave:  If you wish to talk further, or need any advice, or just want to vent, feel free to inbox me, or I can give you my email address. I know how you feel (to a degree of course). You’re not alone. *Hugs*

Post # 38
Member
47 posts
Newbee

I think you still have hope in this marriage. You both need to work on few things to make this marriage work. Marriage counseling can work for you but make sure he’s not abusive to you in any way. You have known him long enough to know that though. Good luck to you!

Post # 39
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Have you ever heard of the book The Love Dare? It has a Christian theology behind it, but even if you skip over those parts, it’s dead on. It mostly helps you re-train the way you think about, communicate with, and interact with your SO. Remember, you can’t change him. The only thing you can change is you. It was an incredible book for Mister Right and me. It really opens your eyes to what it means to love someone UNCONDITIONALLY. Also, it has a movie that goes with it called Fireproof. It should be on Netflix. Give it a go. I wouldn’t expect it to “solve” your problems but it’ll definitely put you in a mindset to be able to.

And like everyone has already said, it isn’t just you! Everyone has these feelings every once in a while. Don’t write off your marriage as “loveless” yet. You’ve loved each other for 8 years. You’ll love each other again.

Post # 40
Member
11466 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@MrsRight:  +1!  I came close to mentioning both the “Fireproof” movie and “The Love Dare” in my comment.

Post # 41
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@loveorleave:  divorcing is painful, moving on is painful, telling our loved ones is painful. but is even more painful to be in a relationship you don’t want to be in .

i do think that the fact you already admitted to yourself (and to us) that you don’t love him is a big step towards your happiness.

Post # 42
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Hi

Are there any updates? have you thought about counselling?

i am in a very similar situation. been married for a year and a half and also feel no love for my husband. I feel like we got married for the wrong reasons…maybe because everyone else around us was getting married and we felt pressured but the planning of the wedding was such hell (from him and his parents) that I should have seen all the red flags and signs… now i have this built in resentment. I don’t talk abt the wedding anymore but I have so much resentment towards him. I get so irritated with him all the time, if he burps, farts etc etc… everything bugs me! I know in my heart that I should probably leave as he talks abt having kids and there is NO way I will do that if I am not 100% sure… my gut tells me to go but it is just so hard to put one foot in front of the other and go!!!!! why?! i need to do it….i have been so close. I packed my stuff once and went to stay at my mom but he spoke me into going back… i don’t think he even realises that I feel this way (about leaving)… he is quite controlling (not in an abusive way at all) and has such a short temper… especially when he drives!!! if I ask him to slow dow, he says “just let me be” he refuses to slow down. he says 80mph is not fast but to me it is!!! also, he is always so pre-occupied with his ipad or phone, when I ask him questions he doesn’t reply and when he finally does, he snaps at me!!! I get so annoyed!

anyway, all of this makes me doubt all the time. i too am scared about what other people will think but to be honest, it is NOT their lives, it’s ours and we should choose to be happy! life is soooooo short! i wish i could find some strength to make the decisions I know are right for me.

Post # 44
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@loveorleave:  I am 29, we dated for 2 years before getting engaged….. my Darling Husband was away for work for a few days and I didn’t even miss him… that is not normal.. i felt happier and more free when he was not there… i am just scared and have no idea what I will do if I go…

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