(Closed) What to do? Is it over?

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Trust your gut. It is always right, and in this case you aren’t happy, and that is a problem itself. Please go see someone. Here on Wedding Bee you can reach out for compassion, support, understanding. And you’ll get it here (from me and others), but first some advice.  A professional can give you the tools you need to fix your relationship. There are kids involved here, so just giving up isn’t an option. I would put planning on hold and ask him to see someone with you. If he refuses to go, then go alone, and let him know the door is always open for him to join. Children with behavioral disorders can be incredibly difficult for a marriage.  But they are also the kids who need stable family lives the most.

Now, ((HUGS)). God, what a tough thing. You must feel so frustrated and isolated in this. We all deserve partners and it sounds like he is just shutting down on you. Do you have other adult relationships for support? Siblings, friends, coworkers? If you aren’t getting the support you need from your Fiance, you need to get it from somewhere.  Before starting therapy, which I have done at different times in my life, I like to open a journal and just write it all out. You end up with pages and pages of everything that is wrong. But then you have this book, with what you need to fix. It is manageable and I always feel more in control of my feelings and my circumstances.

Post # 4
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

my dear, follow your gut. Even if there is no problem with him cheating (which I hope he’s not  so if there is no evidence of it, don’t jump to that conclusion), there seems to be a problem with communication. Try to express to him how you are feeling and that it’s important that he take it seriously how what is happening (with communication and wedding issues) is affecting you. See if he’ll go see a counselor with you (specifically about your relationship), or perhaps see if he’s willing to read a book on communication between couples.  Men and women communicate and understand things differently.

Also, I don’t know how long your relationship has been like this, but perhaps he might be really exhausted from work and raising his special needs daughter. It’s important to address these things than ignore it and hope it goes away- especially since marriage is the goal and there are children involved.

Couples can get into a deep rut after some time and not feel like they have to make an effort to communicate and connect. When you talk to hijm about it, don’t bring up a million reasons why he’s not into the relationship, give him time to express himself, don’t be accusatory, and ask him ahead of time when a good time would be to talk- when the kids aren’t around and you’re both in a good mood.

In addition to all of this, PRAY!!



Post # 5
25 posts
  • Wedding: July 2009

Just like these wise women have told you, trust your gut.  There is something wrong.  The question is, what is wrong?  Could he be suffering from depression?  Regardless, you need to know this situation will not get better after a wedding.  Things need to change.  I think you are going to have to be strong and just tell him you are not going to live like this.  Counseling is your best option at this point.

You deserve to have a man who can’t wait to marry you!  You deserve to have a man who tells you daily he loves you and how special you are.  You deserve that and so much more.  Don’t settle for less.  Hugs.  Francie

Post # 6
5495 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I don’t really have anything else to add, except some *HUGS*. I hope everything works out for the better.

Post # 7
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

Darling, I can’t add anything else either but some ((HUGS)) as well.

We’re hitting a rough patch too, and I’ve explained that a wedding is not going to fix things.  We need to be fixed before the wedding.  He refuses to push back the wedding, but recently got to the point where he didn’t want to talk to me/see me that he asked me to move out.  I did, he realized what he did was wrong, and is begging me to move back in.  Right now, I’m in the same boat as you.  Is it over for us?

Let’s hope not, and work through this and be strong together.

Post # 8
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I just wanted to add, I think it sounds like you are both under a lot of stress, he maybe even more so than you.  Stress can be very damaging to relationships….I think you could both benefit from counseling, together and separtely.  You can also try doing something to relax him…..it sounds so corny but really, try taking him through guided imagery or something, tell him to just humor you.  As for him not wanting to talk wedding…..well, I think that because he’s so stressed he just doesn’t want to deal with it and figures you have more interest in it than he does….

Anyways, don’t just give up.  It doesn’t sound to me like your relatinoship is unsalvagable, it’s just going through a rough patch. 

Post # 9
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Awwww, Bratsy, (HUGS), is it possible he is just not an affectionate person? Has he always felt sort of on the distant side or reluctant to express his feelings? I find that even guys who are usually non-affectionate are more affectionate during the courting phase, then it tapers off. Don’t know what to say, except I highly suggest you look into this further before making any life-changing decisions. Best of Luck -ETP

Post # 10
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You said you are already in counseling for the stress surrounding raising a special needs child, right? That is a positive thing – since that resource is already available to you I would definitely bring it up to your counselor.

I think it’s hard to tell without knowing this person. Sometimes men do clam up when they are stressed or preparing for a major life change like marriage. It isn’t necessarily a negative thing. On the other hand, if you’re feeling concerned you need to address it. Best of luck!!

Post # 12
1149 posts
Bumble bee

Just sending you a hug.  I’m so sorry for the tough time but am glad that you guys talked!  Hopefully things WILL get better for you.  It’s a compromise, really, when you think about it….women want and need to talk about things that trouble them — men, not as much.   So if you two can meet in the middle on your expectations here, I think that will go a long way toward making things better in your relationship.

I wish you all the best and remember, the Hive is here for you!



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