Post # 1
Well ladies I’m having a bit of a struggle right now and I could use some positive encouraging feedback. My fiance has a beautiful daughter, I am friends with her mom and we all go to the same church. I haven’t had any struggles with questioning my FI’s committment to me at all I know he has a past but I know its forgiven by God and I am not going to hold it against him nor am I going to constantly question whether he still has feelings for someone else that’s just silly I know he loves me and wants to be with only me. I am however having some emotional issues lately with the fact that he has a daughter. I love his daughter and I watch her alot. I have no issue with seeing her making me want to cry or anything but I have had issues with the fact that he has a daughter because that’s not something WE get to experience together. I have had such a struggle with the fact that he already knows what its like to be a parent and what to expect when we have kids. I just get this picture in my mind of me being scared and unsure of what to do and him being so chill about it that he almost isn’t concerned about it at all. I know that we are getting close to the part of premarital counseling where I’m gonna have to share all of this with him. I have no clue how I’m going to tell him that I simultaneously love and hate that he’s a dad or how to do it without absolutely bawling! Ladies please give me some advice and love here I need some emotional support from a christian perspective.
Post # 3
aww, you should think of that as a positive! He is experienced with children so when you are a new mother and are afraid and unsure of what to do you can turn to him and that should help you feel at ease and not so nervous about being a new mother! 🙂
In any case, just tell him exactly why it bothers you and make it clear that it is not that you have anything against his daughter at all..but just that you feel bad that he has experienced parenthood without you.
Post # 4
Try to remember to every child and child parent relationship is different. Just because he has a kid doesn’t mean he will have all the answers when it comes to kids the two of you have. He’ll probably be just as nervous as you when that time comes. And from the christian perspective a big part of marriage is supporting each other. Having kids is just one of many things you will experience together. Some you may handle without batting an eye while he is completly thrown by them, and others he’ll take in stride while you struggle. I would pray about it and ask God to help the two of you make this fear and worry an issue that strengthens your marriage and brings you closer together.
Post # 5
I think that you should be honest with him and ask your FH to help you through it. I also agree with the previous poster who said to pray on it.
Just because he has a daughter doesn’t mean that you cannot have a child in the future. Having a child with you will be special for him regardless of the other children he has. I don’t have kids, but I worked for an OB-GYN. I’ve never seen a mother feel like the birth of a child was less special because it wasn’t her first. I’d imagine that fathers feel the same.
Also, remember that being a step-mom has its perks. I have a friend who married a guy who had a son. She came to be the “fun” mom because she didn’t have to be the disciplinarian. That was left to her husband and the boy’s biological mother. 🙂
Post # 6
I think you should be honest with you FH from now – don’t wait til that point in counselling arrives, try to get your feelings out there to each other first and deal with it biblically. You may be surprised that you could feel better after he expresses himself, maybe he could show you the silver lining to the situation or even air his own concerns/anxieties concerning it. Like PP said, each child/parent situation is different and there are possibly things in your life that you experienced without FH that he may have preferred experiencing with you. That’s life. Try to focus on all the good that can come out of a situation which may not have been your ideal, and grow from it. Him knowing more than you in the parents department is an oppportunity to have stability when you may feel like freaking out/worrying, and may even lead to him being the strong head that you need. Possibly working towards a better/closer relationship with your future daughter in law may help resolve some of these feelings.
Post # 7
@merrygrl: it’s ok to be sad about that. But, there’s nothing your Fiance can do to change his reality. Hopefully, talking to him about your saddness will help you – but, realize that his daughter is part of who he is. Keep in mind, that it may be a source of insecurity for him (finding love that accepts all he brings to the table). Does it help to focus on the present and the future and all that life holds for you together?