Post # 17
That’s a pretty big rumor. I think I would tell him, just so he’s aware there’s a rumor like this going around. Maybe ask his mom about the validity of this rumor, if you’re close to her. If she says yes or no, she can be the one to tell him. Just a thought. I’m not too sure how that would go though.
Post # 18
I feel for you. That is such an awkward position to be in. If you tell him and he gets mad, it’s not really YOU he has the right to be mad at, it’s the people who caused the situation. If you don’t tell him and he finds out, he has every right to get mad at you for not saying anything. I would be devastated if the person I’m planning on spending the rest of my life with kept a secret like that from me, even if it was just in an effort to protect my feelings.
Post # 19
I have to disagree with those who advise against telling, although I completely understand their reasoning. I have been in the situtation of discovering that “everyone knew” a rumor about my family, a story that was absolutely not true, but it was heartbreaking to me to know that people I loved had heard this rumor and had never told me it was out there. How much worse to be the last to know something that was true? I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I could have been proactive about squelching the rumor if I had known it was out there (for years and years – *sigh*), and if it had been true, I would have wanted to start the healing process.
I think you should tell him – not your opinion on its veracity, not what you think he should do. Merely that there is a rumor, and that you felt he should know.
Post # 20
After hearing PP who have personal experience, I would tend to agree you should tell him. Such a tough spot to be in.
Post # 21
I think you answered your own question. As the person who’s going to marry him, honesty and trust are so important. And things like these do tend to come out at the end, which will make it much worse when he finds out that you knew about the rumor all along.
Maybe you can try to not make a big thing of it (I understand the situation is severe). If you went on him with things like “Have you thought about getting a paternity test? etc.” it might make him more upset than just saying “hey, there’s this weird rumor everyone’s talking about, have you heard?”.
Good luck to you 🙂
Post # 22
Since you are hearing this third-hand, and since it’s such potentially painful news to hear, I’d want to get some confirmation beyond idle gossip before bringing it up. This unfortunately probably means asking his mother, unless there is another relative on his side that you would trust to not only know the truth, but to spill it if asked. Be VERY gentle if you decide to ask. Choose your words very carefully and make your question be more about the rumor than the actual fact— I heard that some folks think that his biological father is someone else, what on earth could have given them this idea?- instead of bluntly asking about his parentage. You really don’t want to risk starting a family war over a rumor, especially one that ends up not being true— for all you know, people are only remembering the father’s long absence in the military and not remembering the leave visits over the years during which it would have been very easy to concieve a baby!
Post # 23
I agree entirely. I haven’t had it happen to me, but when I put myself in the FI’s shoes and imagine how it would feel if my DH knew something like that about me and didn’t tell me…I would be shattered, and humiliated.
Post # 24
If this were me, I would absolutely tell my husband. I wouldn’t even hesitate. He would know about five minutes after I knew.
As far as I’m concerned, it’s not my job to “protect” my husband from the truth like he’s some child. It’s my job to be loyal, honest, and faithful to him. It’s my job to stand by him as he makes his decision on what to do with this information–not to effectively make that decision for him by not telling him what I heard. I would never let someone else’s lies and drama threaten my ability to maintain an honest and open relationship with my husband.
If there’s no truth to it, then there’s no truth to it. But he deserves to decide for himself if he wants to know.
Post # 25
I would tell him about the rumor, but I wouldn’t make a huge deal out of it. Just something like “my parents heard the craziest rumor yesterday and I think you should be aware of it”. Don’t make a big deal of it being true or untrue. If it’s something he wants to pursue he’ll talk to his parents about it. If not he’ll just shrug it off. Either way he should know what people are saying.
Post # 26
I too have found out a family secret and it really affected me and my feelings about the family who kept the secrets. I know your wanting to save him hurt but the family members who repeated it to you did you a real diservice, and I don’t know that now that you know you can keep it from him. If it were me I would let his mom know about the position you have been put in. It will help his relationship with his family if he hears it from them. Makes an awful conversation for you to have with his parents but let them know your doing it to preserve your future relationship with your husband. Good luck and I would really want to tell off the people who thought it was ok to repeat the rumors to you.
Post # 27
I’d find a shrink, bare my soul to him/her to get it off my chest, talk out the consequences in both cases (telling/not) and go from there.
Post # 28
i would tell him. i couldn’t imagine keeping something of that degree from my husband.
Post # 29
My husband and I have the type of relationship where we are open and honest and can talk about ANYTHING with each other… He would have known 2 seconds after I did…
Post # 30
Wow, first of all, serious hugs!!!
I’m not sure how you could not tell him. You didn’t make this up…it would never kill your relationship. But i have to think that NOT telling him and risking him finding out that you knew could kill it. And unfortunately, that would happen down the road when you’ve been married and have children.
Listen, you’re getting ready to get married. For better and for worse, right? This is going to be hard but I think he has the right to know. Wouldn’t you be devastated if he kept something like that from you? This would be a lie of omission!
Best of luck to you and keep us posted. You’ll be in my thoughts!
Post # 31
You have to tell him. He either already knows and it is settled or he will never be able to look at you the same when he realizes you knew. I’d say something like, ” Hey, I’ve heard a rumor a couple of times about your family didn’t think anything of it, but I wanted to make sure you knew what people are saying because I heard it again and I would want you to do the same thing if you were in my shoes. People are saying that your mother wasn’t entirely faithful while your dad was deployed. They are questioning whether your mom was faithful at the time you were conceived.” Then let it roll.