(Closed) What to do?? Should I tell my fiance??

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

“So my parents were talking to so and so and they told her the craziest story about your parents. – fill in rest of details-  Can you believe that? “

Post # 33
Member
4758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you should tell him that the rumor is going around – but don’t tell him as though it’s fact.  Nobody – no matter what they think they know – knows 100% except for his parents and whoever the affair may have been with.  However, he should know that there is a rumor, so he’s not taken by surprise if he hears it – if he wants to know for sure, he can choose to confront his parents.

 

I had a somewhat similar position, though less serious.  My father had an earlier marriage than I never knew about, making my mother his second wife.  No big deal, except that my siblings and I never knew.  My Fiance (then-bf) learned of it and told me (long story as to why he knew when I didn’t).  I was hurt because I was in my 20s and very much a daddy’s girl, but he had never told me.  That said, I wasn’t ever mad at my Fiance – I was upset, but I would’ve been angry if I found out he knew later and kept it from me.

 

Post # 34
Member
9944 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you should tell him for the reason Roe pointed out – how will he feel if he somehow, someday finds out you knew and didn’t tell him?  Just tell him you heard the rumor and let him take it from there.  You would want him to tell you if the situation were reversed, right?

Post # 35
Member
1329 posts
Bumble bee

I would definitely tell him. That’s just awful no one has told him. He needs to know-especially if you both plan of having children and also for his future medical history…he should probably find out who his birth father is, he has a right to know.

However, opening this can of worms before a wedding…eek!

maybe wait until right after?

Post # 36
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would bring it up, however from your post it sounds like you really beilive it. I wouldnt automatically beilive something because it has been passed around so much that many people come to view it as fact. I also think its quite possible his family are aware of the rumors. I also think this could be one of the ridiclous tales that get passed around yet doesn`t have an ouce of truth to it.

Post # 37
Member
2861 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would say something. If you don’t have complete honesty with your husband then I don’t know what you have at all. And all this nonsense about ” Wait until after the wedding so you don’t spoil it” is just that- nonsense. What is more important? One day or having the trust of your soon to be husband? Good luck to you. 

Post # 38
Member
6033 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

I would tell him. But thats because I know my Fiance and I know he would want to hear it from someone he loved and who loved him rather than it be a rumor. Plus it would bother me to know people have kept this kind of thing from him and I would not be ok being just like them. And it would be horrible if down the road he found out and then found out I had heard the rumors years ago and never said a word to him. I would imagine that would be a betrayal in his eyes. So yes, I would tell him in the best way I know how.

ETA: if it did turn out to be a rumor, I do not doubt that my Fiance would still appreciate me telling him. He would understand that I was doing what i thought was best. So if your Fiance is anything like mine than I think telling is still the way to go, no matter if it ends up being true or not.

Post # 39
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I know there are mixed feelings on this but coming from another relationship where we tell each other everything, I would absolutely tell him. If it’s not going to come from the people who should tell him (parents) then who better to hear it from than the woman he will be marrying? He knows (or should know) that you will be telling him from a place of love and caring, not from a place of gossipy nosiness. And if he ever found out (and he most likely will), and then found out that you knew there were these rumors and you never told him, I would think he would have a right to be furious. 

Tell him. 

Post # 40
Member
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t think its anyone’s place to discuss this with him except the immediate people involved. You could approach his Mom about it and let HER decide if it’s something she’s been keeping hidden all these years (and is still HER right to talk about it with him, when and if she’s ready), or if it is something she’ll never admit and will take to her grave. This is not your call.

His whole world could come crashing down around him if he feels like or finds out he’s been living a lie. This is a family issue, I think, and a rumor right now.

Post # 41
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
@maymorganite:  This is completely how I would handle it.  Bring it up as some weird thing you heard from an undisclosed source, and if he blows it off you can play it off as a joke/funny small town drama.  Really it’s hard for us to say because we don’t know your fiance’s personality.  This approach would work for my Fiance but might not for yours. 

 

Post # 42
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2004

I def thinkk dont ask him! just tell him! you need to say it as if you are mortified that someone is talking about your man! because lets be honest, there is a chance it isnt true.. and if its not true then how would you feel if it was being said about your mom and dad behind your back about you! its shocking.. and secondly even if it is true i would tell those so called friend to mind their business and their manners! stop the gossip and the life hurting! if it happened it happened! it has nothing to do with them! and they need to STFU… IMO.. 🙂

either way its going to urt him.. but if it were me id wanna know what ppl were saying about me.. but then i woudl stick up for my family regardless if it were true or not.. sorry rant over. 🙂

Post # 43
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Been there..but i was the one who didn’t know what almost everyone knew..it was a terrible blow and i felt completely lost, also with the notion all my life had been a huge lie Frown. Andi found out because my boyfriend at the time told me about the rumour. He said he couldn’t bare the fact of sometimes people hinting this and that in my face and i didn’t realize what was behind (yes, naive all the way, but a secret that big i could never find out for myself). So he told me. And my world collapsed.It was horrible. But in the end i learned about the true personality of those around me and helped me help someone else, very close to me. I did NOT kill the messenger and he was a great support. It would be awful if he continued keeping me in the dark. Truth hurts but it’s better than a life of lies.

Post # 44
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 1993

Well this thread is a month old so who knows if OP took care of this, but I guess a good rule of thumb is…

 

… what would you want him to do if the situation were reversed?  I bet you’d want to know.  Therefore, you should tell him.

Post # 45
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

View original reply
@beth183:  This.  That way you’re covered if he finds out it’s true but can’t be upset with you for bursting his bubble.

Post # 46
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I wouldn’t say anything unless it became fact instead of rumor. Like someone else said, if the whole town has heard the rumor, I’m sure he has too. You don’t want to be the person that said something that wasn’t true and then it become an issue with the family.

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