Post # 1
Even before we got engaged in August, Fiance and I had talked about who we wanted in our wedding party. I told him that I wanted his sister, who I had only met once because she lives overseas, to be a bridesmaid so I could get to know her better. Fiance said he wanted my youngest brother, who he has spent some time with and likes, to be a groomsman, but not my middle brother who he doesn’t know as well. I advocated for my middle brother and told Fiance he couldn’t have one but not the other, and that it would be a good way for them to bond, and he finally agreed.
My middle brother, who was honored and excited when Fiance asked him to be in the wedding, recently told me that he does not think we should be getting married. He thinks we are too young (FI and I are in our mid 20’s, and my brother is 21) and that we don’t know each other well enough (we have been together 4 years). He has been saying this to a lot of other people we know, mostly family, and I only found out recently. Apparently he has also been giving other reasons, but I do not know what they are.
It upsets me that, despite not knowing Fiance that well or having spent much time around us, he is making these judgments. I think a large part of it is that his girlfriend has been pressuring him to get engaged, and he is very opposed to the idea. He also suffers from extreme middle child syndrome and probably hates the idea of me getting any extra attention. Obviously, I love my brother and want his support, but I tried talking to him about it and it didn’t change anything. What should I do?
Post # 3
Honestly, this might just be something about him a marriage. It might not have anything to do with you. Or he could be worried about your well being. I do think you should talk to him again because it isn’t okay to be telling your family these things! This is supposed to be a happy time for you and he needs to realize that this impacts that.
Also, about his gf wanting to get engaged… he needs to handle that himself and if that is sparking these feelings he needs to know that you are at a completely different place with your Fiance.
Unless there are valid reasons he should suck it up and be happy for you!
Post # 4
Based on my talk with him and what I’ve heard from others, there is no underlying concern about my well being or anything altruistic about it. I almost wish there was, because then Id have some idea how to fix the situation. Right now, I have no idea what to say to him.
Post # 5
I’m in the same situation. FI’s sister is a bridesmaid, and when I asked her to read a poem at the wedding, I found out that she doesn’t support the marriage, because she doesn’t think people under 25 should get married. Fiance is 25, I’m 24 and a half. What. The. Eff. So basically I’m just letting it go and ignoring her. Whatevs. She is 21 and stupid.
I think you should just ignore your brother, tell him where to be and in what tux, and just let it go.
Post # 6
Cubicalmouse- Im sorry you’re in the same situation!
Post # 7
What do your parents say? If I were them, I’d be having a pretty harsh convo with him.
Honestly, I agree with the PP’s who say that, given what you’ve said here, your brother is more down on the idea of marriage then of you getting married and your Fiance. That being said, you need to talk to him again. He is young and it’s possible that he doesn’t understand that a) the stuff he’s saying is getting back to you, and b) that what he is saying is extremely hurtful.
I honestly would explain to him that what he is doing is hurting you and that it’s affecting your relationship with him and your desire to have him as a Groomsmen. Go through all the stuff that you’ve said before with the caveat that if he doesn’t stop making the comments, you’re going to have to ask him to step down, as you only want people who support the marriage to stand up with you. Tell him that nothing would make you more sad then having to do this, but what he is doing is extremely disrespectful to you and your Fiance and the family that you are going to be creating on the day you get married.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds awful.
Post # 8
Thanks ArwenBride, that sounds pretty reasonable.
I did try talking to him when I first heard, but he just reiterated his stance that he is against our marriage without giving any realistic reason. I will see him next week, so I guess I can try again then.
Anyone have any advice on what to say, or how to say it? I can come across as pretty confrontational (too much time in a courtroom maybe) and I want to keep this as friendly as possible.
Post # 9
@MissBananaBread: It sounds like he is pretty young. I would just let it go and ignore it. Anything you may say may damage your relationship with him, and you know the truth. You’ll be married soon. That’s what matters.