(Closed) What to do, what to do (I am MOH, bride just sprang this)

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I would just simply do what you need to do, and spend what you can. The bride doesn’t need to know what you would have paid for her gift.

Honestly, I think it’s horrible that she took your flight money away, especially since you’re a student. I know it must be difficult for them with these unexpected expenses, but the last thing I would do is take away money that was already promised to someone else. That was NOT her call.

But, unfortunately, it’s too late now, and you’re suck with the costs. I would only buy a gift I could afford, and leave it at that. The best gifts don’t have to be expensive. A heartfelt gift is always just as nice, lovely and appreciated (especially given these circumstances).

Post # 4
Member
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

HA! Yeah, they wouldn’t be getting a gift. Honestly I don’t know if I’d be Maid/Matron of Honor… you have exactly a month to get enough money to go.

Do you know her dad? If you know him in the least little bit, I’d just shoot him an email like “Hey Mr. ____, I may have to back out of the wedding because I just can’t afford all these extra costs all of a sudden, and I need to know if you think (the bride) would understand, or what the best way would be to break it to her if it comes down to it. So sorry to bother you with this. Thanks, (your name).” I usually don’t suggest this, but most people’s parents don’t like to promise things and then find out their kids were being greedy and went back on them behind their backs–NOT cool!

Post # 5
Member
7152 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well, I think that it was irresponsible of them to assume that they would be getting more $ from the dad before it was set in stone. That also leads to the fact of them being inconsiderate, since it affects others too. I think that you should go lower on the budget for their gift as you said. You can find nice gifts that don’t cost a whole lot.

Post # 6
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I would be very honest with her about the situation – explain that you really can’t afford the ticket on short notice since you didn’t have time to save for it. Tell her you feel a little betrayed and want to resolve it to avoid any hard feelings at the wedding. If you say that you would love to pick up the cost of your flight but you just can’t, maybe she’ll understand?

If not, I think it’s very fair to use the gift fund to help pay for the ticket. You might say something like “I want to be at the wedding even though my ticket funding went through, and since I understand it’s so hard for you to make ends meet for the wedding, I will pay for my own ticket as a gift to you.” 

Post # 7
Member
1580 posts
Bumble bee

I’d just get her a small gift since you now have to pay for most of your flight.  I know you expected to have the whole flight covered, but you should be happy that she didn’t take all the money. That would have been really bad.

Post # 9
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

that sucks, I’m sorry. I agree that the bride would have no idea what you spent on the gift and I would think she would understand since this was an unexpected cost… could you make something like a really nice scrapbook or shadow box for them? You can check out TJ Maxx, Marshalls, and Homegood for some good, cheaper wedding gifts. If you feel compelled you could always explain, while you don’t mind paying for the flight, money is tight and their gift will be something homemade and heartfelt… I couldn’t imagine her being upset about that! Good luck and where’s the wedding?!

Post # 10
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

What a frustrating situation!  It sounds like you and the bride have talked a lot about the finances for this wedding, so I would say something to the bride–not mean or angry, just letting her know that you had been expecting your airfare to be paid, and while you’re thrilled that you are able to come and celebrate with them still, this is kind of a big hit to your budget.

Since this cost was sprung on you, I think it’s fair to reduce your gift fund, but I would make an effort to give them something–a nice picture frame and a card, or something else little like that.  And I’d put a lot of effort into what you write in the card, so they know you’re thrilled to be celebrating their marriage.

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My feeling is that if you have to pay to go to a destination wedding, it should be assumed you are not buying them a wedding gift too!  Thats just insane!  You shouldn’t put yourself in debt for someone else’s wedding!  They should be happy with you just being there!  I def would not be getting them a gift, your gift to them is your presence at their destination wedding!

Post # 12
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

@littlemiss: I would just get them a $20 gift card to the store we’re they’re registered and call it a day. Don’t put things on your CC because you feel you’re obligated to get them a bigger gift.

As others have said, I would honestly talk/e-mail the bride, and just say you can’t afford the flight, and see if she’ll honor the original agreement. You never know. She’s probably super emotional right now and maybe a reality check will help her see than a couple hundred dollars toward flowers isn’t as important as helping friends out.

Post # 13
Member
7152 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

September, I think that you could find a nice gift for $20 or less. You don’t necessarily have to get anything off of the registry.

Post # 14
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Your presence is your gift, if you have to unexpectedly spend that much on the flight (though my answer would be different if you had loads of cash sitting around).  But presumably she’s really close to you so I would make or buy her something small and heartfelt, even a “gift certificate” for a homemade dinner the night they come home from their honeymoon, or something.  Also, you have up to a year to give her a gift, so you could take advantage of that.  If she asks about a present, just tell her that the unexpected change was hard for you to cover, but you really wanted to be there for her, so you did it but it hurt your gift budget.  She shouldn’t ask, but given that she’s this inconsiderate anyway, I wouldn’t be surprised if she did. 

Post # 15
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

It sounds like the dad held up his end of the bargain.  He said he would pay X and he’s paying X.  The bride and groom FOOLISHLY put the money that should have gone to paying for your ticket towards other things in their wedding.  There is a pretty big difference between paying all and only one quarter.  They made the decision that (whatever) was more important than reimbursing you for your flight.  I think it’s perfectly acceptable to just give them a card with a $20 bill.  (You’re a better person than me, I wouldn’t even give the $20!)  Consider your wedding present to them whatever it was that they spent your flight money on (flowers, food, whatever).  I’m sure they won’t know the difference anyway, and the bride should be grateful that you are even coming considering the circumstances!

Post # 16
Member
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

i would talk to the bride remind her that u are a student and don’t have a lot of money. And that when u agreed to be her Maid/Matron of Honor the deal was the flight would be paid and that was the only reason you agreed because u would have refused with enough time for her to find another Maid/Matron of Honor. If she can’t cover the flight you will still go but can not afford a gift also, because this puts a burden on you. I know i’m rambling but it makes sense in my head i hope it does in yours too

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