(Closed) What to Do When Mom is "Just Being Honest"

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
430 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Please don’t take this the wrong way.  Your post made me smile. Your interaction with your mom sounds exactly like me and my mom and exactly why I never wanted a wedding. At least I  thought I didn’t until I became engaged to the right guy.  And now my mom isn’t here. I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean to upset or hurt you. And I am sorry she did. Try to keep perspective and know that us just how she is and she doesn’t mean anything by it. Let it go and thoroughly enjoy the time coming up to your big day and enjoy your mom even when she is a little too honest and tactless. 

Post # 48
Member
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2000

And for the most important rule about planning a wedding… don’t ask what ppl think EVER.  That is when the headache(s) begin.

Post # 49
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Your invitations sound creative and cute! I agree with Diamondgurl, asking people what they thnk about your wedding details is asking for trouble. Just let your mom’s comments slide off your back . . .

I have to admit, though, that my first thought was . . . do people actually still use typewriters?? lol!

 

Post # 50
Member
8700 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I generally find that the second someone says “I’m just being honest”, they are NEVER being “honest” half as much as they are being catty or bitchy.

Post # 51
Member
1076 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@KC-2722:  +1

I can’t believe how much shit you got for offering decent advice lol. 

Nobody on here has seen OP’s invites, so the it is NOT obvious that they are OMGSOAWESOME and that her mum has terrible taste. 

OP, if you cared that much about what your mum thought, why didn’t you show her before making all the invitations? You can’t beg for her opinion on something and then blame her when she is honest with you, and I am shocked that anyone suggested that she was in the wrong for being honest, when I’m sure the majority of people on this website would agree that lying is bad. I definitely understand why you are disappointed, but kayl is right. It’s paper, and your mum wasn’t trying to hurt you.

Post # 52
Member
1174 posts
Bumble bee

@Lovemelovemyhorses:  +1 

Her mom could have sugar coated it but to cry because she does not like something is a little much.My mom and I never have had the same taste in things, this was established by the time I was 12 years old. My mom loves and adores me but she surely doesn’t agree with me on everything. 

Post # 53
Member
1139 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m sorry your mom was so harsh in her delivery of her opinion. It’s hard to hear that when you are expecting to hear a positive response and you think someone is going to love something and they don’t. You did tell her that people have different tastes, right? So she is entitiled to her own taste, too. She could have been nicer about it, but it just sounds like you two have different styles. It shouldn’t matter if she likes it or not. It’s your wedding. You and your Fiance loved them and that’s all that matters. 🙂

Post # 54
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@solsticewedding:  I read your first sentence and I wa super jealous.

I would have totally done that if I had a typewriter- or knew someone else who did.

I did like our invites- but that was the exact look I was going for.

 

I don’t know how my mom would have felt about those invites, it could have gone either way. But I feel for you- because your mom sounds exactly like my mom.  She’s one of the first people call often (she’s definitely a go-to for me)- but at the same time, she can be really unsupportive about certain things.  This morning was a perfect example- we got off the phone and I was ready to scream.  When she called back about something else shortly after, I was a bit snippy with her because I was still upset.

 

I don’t know there’s anything you can really do.  Except grow thicker skin, which I know is really hard.  You can’t unsend the invites to please your mom.  You can’t change your mom- and from what you’ve said she’s been like this before.  The best you can do- is talk to her.  Ask her why she feels the need to be so condescending.  Ask her if she talks to others the way she talks to you.  

My mom can be super supportive about things- but at the same time, she treats me so differently about things- things that aren’t mother-daughter specific- if she talked to other people the way she talked to me sometimes, no one would want to have anything to do with her!

Post # 55
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@KC-2722:  Unless you have a mother that does things like that- I don’t think you’ll understand.  There’s a difference between someone sharing thier opinion maturely- “All that matters is that you like them, dear.”  “You did a nice job, they’re not my taste or I wouldn’t have chose them,”  would be appropriate, in my opinion.  

Her mom basically told her people don’t take her seriously because of her taste.  And that’s bullshit.

Post # 56
Member
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

Personally I have resolved not to ask anyone’s opinion about my wedding plans anymore b/c it annoys me when they disparage something I’m totally psyched about.  In fact, I’m going to try not to even mention any of my ideas b/c some people give their opinions without being asked! 

However, when someone does ask for another person’s  opinion, there is a gracious way to be critical, and a just-plain-“honest” (mean) way. What’s so great about being honest, when you could have done it in a tactful way and chose not to? Your mom is guilty of being ungracious. Period.

When you speak to her, tell her that you never expected her to reply in such an ungracious way and it took you by surprise and that’s why you cried. Use that word.   

Post # 57
Member
2274 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@solsticewedding:  You say to your mother, in your most sincere tone:

“You know, my mother taught me that if I didn’t have anything nice to say, I shouldn’t say anything at all.  It was really good advice that I try to live by.”

Just, probably bring an axe, or sword, with you. 😛

Post # 58
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@solsticewedding:  I’m late to party but I saw this post today and had to comment. Not sure how things are going a few days after you posted this but I wanted to say that mothers always always know what to say to push our buttons.  I feel you on not getting the response you were hoping for and it sounds like your mom has terrible boundaries. After having spent many years resetting the boundaries of acceptable behavior with my own mom (I love her but it’s still a work in progress) I hope you get the strength to tell your mom in a nice way that if she has an opinion that is negative to please keep it to herself and that she should ask herself if her ‘honest’ opinion is just negativity and hurt dressed up as honesty. Good luck 🙂

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