Post # 17
It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind and are just looking for reassurance about it. In that case, just go with your plan, you know you’re not going to change it, you’ve obviously put a lot of time, thought, and energy into it. I’m the same way, once I’ve made up my mind, alternate opinions usually just cause me to re-enforce my reasoning for my decision.
With that said, I think lines are never as blurry as you think they might be. I’m having to deal with a somewhat similar situation of a small venue and wanting a small, intimate wedding. The guest list was a pain in the butt. In the end, it is possible to set guidelines and stick to them. Like, you should definitely include the people you feel practically raised you, but you don’t have to invite the people whose full name you don’t know.
One thing you have to realize is that some people are going to get their feelings hurt and this could affect your relationship with them. For anyone who is currently in your life, who you see regularly enough, this could hurt your relationship with them either temporarily or permanently. I cut some people from our guest list that I would have liked to invite, but really, I almost never see them and so there’s no risk of a relationship being harmed, and (even if there is) there really shouldn’t be an expectation of invitation because our relationship isn’t a close one.
Good luck, I know this isn’t a fun part of wedding planning.
Post # 18
Stick with your list as-is and don’t worry about it. FI’s older brother invited 3x as many people as we did to our wedding, including family members I’ve never even heard of (much less met), FMIL’s neighbors, etc. We invited ONLY family members that we see/communicate with frequently, and a few close friends, and have a much, MUCH smaller guest list than they did. Oh well, people will get over it, especially because Fiance and I have been together for five years and I have no idea who they are.
Post # 19
thanks for all opinions. Most have really been helping me wade through this issue. It seems that some bees want to turn this thread into being one about whether b lists should ever be done or not, but that just isn’t the point of this thread. I’ve got no problem if ppl want to debate that or invite timing, but I’m really deciding between other options. You can imagine that a bee posting on who to invite etc. isnt being “closed-minded” for not wanting to change her invite timing – that’s part of why I did my best to outline the different options I’m actually considering.
@OkieHeart: I am not disregarding every opinion at all. Before I posted, I felt like I’d need to find some way to invite all these ppl, explain to them why I didn’t, or host some extra event for them, but since most bees are voting to do everything the same as I would otherwise or add them later as space permits, I’m leaning more toward adding them as space permits (and putting them higher on the list than others who’ve expressed no interest in coming), but im also still interested in more opinions. I’m not disregarding all opinions just because I plan on having a b list or sending first round of invitations out at 6 months before the wedding- you’ll see that my post and poll never asked any questions about doing those 2 things because those are settled.
i get what youre saying, but we made our list before choosing our venue and these ppl didn’t make my list. I barely know them so I don’t want to change from my dream venue because of them. I just felt put upon by them clearly wanting/expecting invites (I was really surprised they were even invited to my sister’s wedding.)
I promise my mind isn’t made up. The options I’m debating between are the ones in the poll. I’m definitely still considering every option up there. I’m surprised by how few ppl say to have an extra event, talk to them, etc. You make some really really good points – especially the parts about how feelings get hurt, but if you don’t have a relationship with someone, there isn’t much to lose exactly.
Post # 20
for bees who don’t think these ppl should be invited to any other wedding-related event to “make up” for not being able to fit them at the wedding, but still have them be able to celebrate somehow- could you please share your thoughts on why not? I just can’t figure out if it’s worse or better to do something like this.
any other bees who think it’d be good to have a separate event & @asianyoushi: if we do something like this,
- do you think it’d be good to announce this type of event before the wedding (so ppl basically know they aren’t getting invited to the wedding, but are getting invited to this) or wait until after the wedding to announce it?
- you think it’d be best to have the event after the wedding instead of before?
also- a family friend will host a family & family friend bridal shower for me (like she did for my sister), inviting a bunch of ppl who are friends with my parents even if they don’t get invited to the wedding or can’t make it. should I add some of these ppl to that event? not sure if that’s offensive or not. my sister also had some ppl invited to this shower who were not invited to her wedding. but maybe it’s tricky/hurtful if some of the ppl invited to her shower and her wedding are only invited to my shower? or should this just happen anyway?
I had only thought of potentially inviting them to some other event (instead of inviting these extra ppl to the shower) because I’m not trying to insinuate in any way that I want a gift (I don’t at all)
Post # 21
@OkieHeart: My invites went out weeks ago and I just started getting RSVPs yesterday. The timeline for invitations to a destination wedding are completely different than to a normal wedding. My room block must be released 90 days in advance of our wedding date.
Post # 22
@Shkragoldfish: I think I like the idea of a second event for these people, but it probably shouldn’t be your bridal shower. People who are invited to the shower will expect to be invited to the wedding, and you’ll run into the hurt feelings again, because they may feel like they were used to get a present (I know that’s not your intension). My Bridesmaid or Best Man wanted to invite a ton of extra people to my bridal shower, but I wouldn’t let them because I was afraid of this happening. Maybe there’s no cause for concern, but I always like to err on the safe side.
Post # 23
@wvrunner: makes sense. we could have video and slideshow of pics playing and it could be an excuse to get back in my dress (or if it’s before the wedding, I have a really cute cream dress I could wear).
if we do this, I’d prefer to do it at a relative’s house or somewhere free requiring little/no decor/setup. and to do some type of dessert (and maybe drinks)-only type thing to avoid spending tons of extra money- does that sound okay?
it’s hard to figure out if these ppl would be so upset that we can’t fit them at the wedding that they wouldn’t even want to come to any other event. not sure if doing this is worth it (for what these ppl want). but I think most of them are assuming that my wedding will be close to where they live when it’ll actually be over a 6-hour drive away. so an event that’s much closer to where they live might be more convenient for them.
other ppl have also made really good points for not doing this type of event at all and just letting it go. I should’ve better prepared myself that some of these ppl (mostly my parents age & older) would be hurt by not getting an invite even if they haven’t seen me in years or maybe don’t know who’s who between me & my sister- I’ve never personally been hurt by not getting an invite before. I guess some older ppl think that, as long as they knew you when you were a child, they get an invite?
Post # 24
@Shkragoldfish: I have a friend who got married in June, 13 hours away. She’s planning a second reception next month for those who couldn’t attend. Since they spaced it apart by a few months, they were able to handle the (small) financial cost of a second party. I like this idea, and your idea of wearing your dress again. Who wouldn’t want to wear their favorite dress ever twice? 🙂
But really, only do a second party if you want to. There is no obligation, just as there is no obligation to invite everyone to your wedding. And I agree, the only hurt feelings tend to come from older generations who had simple weddings and invited everyone they knew. Communities and families are spaced much farther apart these days, and so you don’t have the same type of close relationships they had. So in the past, maybe inviting your third cousin was mandatory, because 50 years ago everyone probably knew their 3rd cousin well. But now, you probably don’t even know their name or that they exist, and so they don’t warrant an invite.
Post # 25
Send out your invites, however you’re going to do it. When you get asked, which you will, “where’s mine?!”
“Well, we haven’t send them all out yet, we’ve just been posting them in batches as we get them addressed. Unfortunately we weren’t able to invite everyone we’d have liked to since our venue is small and we knew not too many people would travel. But we will be hosting a smaller luncheon back here when we return from our honeymoon and we can’t wait to see you there, right?!”
And really, there’s no obligation to have another party, but parties are fun if you want to include those people. You can include the same people who were at your actual wedding again and show them all your honeymoon pictures. Sandwich trays and sheet cake won’t cost but a few $100.
We had a super small wedding and made no apologies. “We’re having a really small wedding, just immediate family and close friends.”