(Closed) What to do when sibling invites way more family/family friends than we can?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What should we do? (can choose multiple)

    Do nothing differently

    Include them in later rounds of invites as space permits

    Try to host some local event before/after wedding for these ppl to attend

    Talk to them individually to explain the situation

    Send them announcements, pictures, video, or some other suggestion below

    Other described below

  • Post # 17
    Member
    41 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    It sounds like you’ve already made up your mind and are just looking for reassurance about it. In that case, just go with your plan, you know you’re not going to change it, you’ve obviously put a lot of time, thought, and energy into it.  I’m the same way, once I’ve made up my mind, alternate opinions usually just cause me to re-enforce my reasoning for my decision. 

    With that said, I think lines are never as blurry as you think they might be.  I’m having to deal with a somewhat similar situation of a small venue and wanting a small, intimate wedding.  The guest list was a pain in the butt.  In the end, it is possible to set guidelines and stick to them.  Like, you should definitely include the people you feel practically raised you, but you don’t have to invite the people whose full name you don’t know.  

    One thing you have to realize is that some people are going to get their feelings hurt and this could affect your relationship with them.  For anyone who is currently in your life, who you see regularly enough, this could hurt your relationship with them either temporarily or permanently.    I cut some people from our guest list that I would have liked to invite, but really, I almost never see them and so there’s no risk of a relationship being harmed, and (even if there is) there really shouldn’t be an expectation of invitation because our relationship isn’t a close one.

    Good luck, I know this isn’t a fun part of wedding planning.   

    Post # 18
    Member
    7384 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Stick with your list as-is and don’t worry about it. FI’s older brother invited 3x as many people as we did to our wedding, including family members I’ve never even heard of (much less met), FMIL’s neighbors, etc. We invited ONLY family members that we see/communicate with frequently, and a few close friends, and have a much, MUCH smaller guest list than they did. Oh well, people will get over it, especially because Fiance and I have been together for five years and I have no idea who they are.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1486 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @OkieHeart:  My invites went out weeks ago and I just started getting RSVPs yesterday. The timeline for invitations to a destination wedding are completely different than to a normal wedding. My room block must be released 90 days in advance of our wedding date.

    Post # 22
    Member
    41 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @Shkragoldfish:  I think I like the idea of a second event for these people, but it probably shouldn’t be your bridal shower.  People who are invited to the shower will expect to be invited to the wedding, and you’ll run into the hurt feelings again, because they may feel like they were used to get a present (I know that’s not your intension).  My Bridesmaid or Best Man wanted to invite a ton of extra people to my bridal shower, but I wouldn’t let them because I was afraid of this happening.  Maybe there’s no cause for concern, but I always like to err on the safe side.  

    Post # 24
    Member
    41 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    @Shkragoldfish:  I have a friend who got married in June, 13 hours away.  She’s planning a second reception next month for those who couldn’t attend.  Since they spaced it apart by a few months, they were able to handle the (small) financial cost of a second party.  I like this idea, and your idea of wearing your dress again.  Who wouldn’t want to wear their favorite dress ever twice? 🙂

    But really, only do a second party if you want to.  There is no obligation, just as there is no obligation to invite everyone to your wedding.  And I agree, the only hurt feelings tend to come from older generations who had simple weddings and invited everyone they knew.  Communities and families are spaced much farther apart these days, and so you don’t have the same type of close relationships they had.  So in the past, maybe inviting your third cousin was mandatory, because 50 years ago everyone probably knew their 3rd cousin well.  But now, you probably don’t even know their name or that they exist, and so they don’t warrant an invite.   

     

    Post # 25
    Member
    2831 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Send out your invites, however you’re going to do it.  When you get asked, which you will, “where’s mine?!”

    “Well, we haven’t send them all out yet, we’ve just been posting them in batches as we get them addressed.  Unfortunately we weren’t able to invite everyone we’d have liked to since our venue is small and we knew not too many people would travel.  But we will be hosting a smaller luncheon back here when we return from our honeymoon and we can’t wait to see you there, right?!”

    And really, there’s no obligation to have another party, but parties are fun if you want to include those people.  You can include the same people who were at your actual wedding again and show them all your honeymoon pictures.  Sandwich trays and sheet cake won’t cost but a few $100. 

    We had a super small wedding and made no apologies.  “We’re having a really small wedding, just immediate family and close friends.” 

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