Post # 1
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
I love my SO. We fell in love a bit over 2 years ago and I moved in a few months ago (after we had a talk and he knew i was only agreeing to move in if we were gettting engaged).
I’ve had a few posts here – mid thirites, good jobs, he’s from another country here in USA working on a VISA.
anyways a good friend told me a few months back before i moved in that he approached her saying he was “ready” and that he was going to do it.
Well i have since found out that nothing is going ot happen this holiday season. Added to the fact that he will NOT have a timeline disucssion, will NOT look at rings, (he is STUBBORN) and to top it all off – is one of the slowest decisoin makers, procrastinators i have ever ever met. (opposties attract, I’m a planning nut so you see why this makes me INSANE).
What do you do when you’re in the dark? I know he’s thinking about it but he’s a typical “dude” – i know he doesn’t know the first thing about rings and doesnt even know my size. I fear that I’ve moved in and now it could be YEARS. He still has gifts to buy for his family and we leave tomorrow morning for the UK. I finished all my shopping last week. (its a good analogy for why I’m concerned).
My worry is if there is no catalyst – WHEN will he ever get to it? And now I got my hopes up a few months ago but realize that him telling my friend was just stating his frame of mind (which is positive) but I guess that’s the root of why i’m a little down here and there. Its all out of my control and seems SO FAR AWAY.
just ranting. any advice would be great. And I’ve tried the timeline talk, calmy, more than once. I’m in the midst of a shutup pact so we can get through the holidays without my having a breakdown in front of his family and friends.
Post # 3
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee
Omg, it is like we are twins, except I’m the talked things to the death and have timelines version of you, and won’t move without a commitment.
Good luck – I hope things work out soon for both of us. You sound much more patient than me!
Post # 4
Member
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@angthrice: Um, are you sure this guy wants to marry you? There really isn’t a lot you can do to make a man ready any faster than they’re going to be. How does he feel about marriage in general, does he want to get married one day?
I hate to say this, but if he refuses to have a discussion about a timeline at all, if it were me I would seriously be rethinking the entire relationship.
Post # 5
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
@Sunfire: he has said to me numerous times that he wants to marry me – that I’m the first gf he’s ever had that he looks forward to those things with. His response when saying that he doesn’t want to talk timelines or rings etc. is
“I want to surprise you and do it my way, when I’m ready”.
My rebuttal has always been well shouldn’t this be something equal – how is leaving my life basically in limbo fair at all? (which is honestly how i feel right now – in LIMBO).
Since we have immigration things to take in to consideration (he says he wants eventually us to move back to the UK or Europe togehter) – that stuff takes TIME. I layed it out clearly a few weeks ago — we’ll be engaged at least a year after you propose, then 6mo – a year for paperwork to clear for me to leave with you etc – thats 2 years MINIMUM till we can go back – and I get a blank stare.
I would not have moved in if I really didn’t believe he wants to marry me (been down this road 7 years ago and I LEARNED from that) – he’s just a personality that is very stubborn and unorthodox – he’s a playright on the side and a romantic so I know he sees this as something he wants to craft himself – the proposal, the ring etc. but most of my negative feelings are coming from not knowing or having control over MY LIFE. I am 33 and want to have kids and DO NOT want them without being married first. (he wants kids too and knows this).
I do have a walk date (oct 31 – when our lease is up). But I really hope it doesn’t come to that.
Post # 6
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee
You are way more patient than me. I honestly don’t think some people get the visa issues.
Sunfire is right – you cannot hurry anyone up; you just have to decide whether you can deal with waiting for them.
Post # 7
Member
9887 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
@angthrice: If he wants you to trust him and to surprise you, then I suppose you’ll have to just let him do things his own way. I’m glad to hear you have a walk date firmly in mind if he doesn’t follow through. I certainly understand how you feel about wanting to be part of planning your own life, lol. I’m the same way.
Post # 8
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
his dad was over a month ago for a visit and basically yelled at him for not doing it yet. I was flattered and amused – but then he really really got angry at his dad – i am anticipating it coming up with his friends at home next week (they are all married w kids) – i don’t think it helps but what can you do.
His good friend laura said to me other week – all people say to “M” is “angthrice” is the best thing that’s ever happened to him and don’t blow it – it’s a lot of pressure.
Post # 9
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee
@angthrice: Do you have any idea of what hesitations he has, exactly?
Post # 10
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
@MariaW: i think it’s the classic what comes after the engagement hesitation (wedding, money, house, kids, pressure to provide, etc.).
He’s had 2 previous gf’s that he’s lived with almost immeadiatley (which is why i made him wait almost 2 years till i did) each together about 4 years each – and he said it never crossed his mind (marriage).
He insists that he thinks about it a lot with me but again – i think the older they get and they’ve never been married/no kids – it gets harder for them to fully give up the “freedom in their mind”. even though i know he’s 100% committed to me and faithful – he’s a great Boyfriend or Best Friend – i think it’s that last hurdle for a man to be like – ok I’m now invitiing all these new responsibilities into my life.
My opinion is that’s what most of our SO’s we are waiting on are stuck at. My situation is confounded by the fact that he is really a last mintue guy. It’s just his natutew. Nothing gets done until he absolutely HAS TO (packing, gifts, paperwork etc.). Even if he’s decided he’s going to do it – HIS timeline may be a year to where another guy may be 2 months to get the ring and propose once they’ve made up their mind. That’s just what gets me down. THE WAIT I forsee ahead.
Post # 11
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee
@angthrice: =( We are in similar situations in many ways. I just trust that life will figure things out, and that I will know when I’ve waited enough. It sounds much easier than it actually is, but if you remember that and remember how amazing and wonderful of a person you were before he came along, and how you are still that person, it might make things easier – at least it did for me. You can’t control the situations life hands to you sometimes, but you can control how you respond to it – or so I tell myself. If you ever need to chat, feel free to PM me – I’m probably not much help since I’m in a similar situation, but I’m quite mellow about it now compared to a few months ago. I’m kind of just tired now.
Post # 12
Member
60 posts
Worker bee
@MariaW: thanks Maria! I really really appreiciate it. I was really in a good place when we moved in late october – but because of his work we moved a bit far from where I lived with a HUGE social cirlce and I feel very let down because i thought I made it CRYSTAL clear that moving in meant we were getting engaged if not before (my wish) VERY soon after. It’s been 2 months. So I missing my girlfriends and feeling isolated which is not helping things. I didn’t move in with him to be a roommate, i moved in with him to be his wife.
But I signed up for a book club and a few other things in the new town so hopefully I’ll make new friends soon.
yes we should talk and keep each other from the brink!
Post # 13
Member
1059 posts
Bumble bee
@angthrice: Yeah, it is very easy to get caught in the whole downward spiral. Keep busy, and remember that you’re all things wonderful, and trust that you will know what to do if and when the time comes that you need to do something. I hope your book club goes well – I’d love to join one but don’t have much time and have to read a lot for school as it is (yuck).
Edit: Off to get highlights – you should do something fun for yourself this weekend, too!
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