(Closed) What to do when someone won't RSVP?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What would you do with non-RSVPer's?

    Tell them if we haven't heard by deadline then they can't come

    Add them to seating plan and caterers numbers and hope they show up

    Exclude them from seating plan and caterers numbers and deal with it on day

    other - please explain

  • Post # 3
    1433 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

    I would tell them “Unless we hear from you by xxx date (make this a couple days BEFORE your catering deadline) we will have to assume you aren’t coming” 

    THen, if they show up….. the venue will have to try to squeeze them in and find food for them. 

    Chances are though, they aren’t coming.

    Post # 4
    5072 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2012

    They need to give you a definite answer.

    I’m with your Fiance – if they can’t give you a yes then tell them you’ll consider it a no.

    Your wedding is in 5 or 6 weeks.  They should know by now whether they can make it.


    Post # 5
    2491 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @Zoe75:  I’d do what your Fiance suggests. I wouldn’t want to worry about last minute arrangements or paying for people who wont show up.

    Post # 6
    86 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I’m with Eagle all the way.  You need to be up front with them and tell them that if you do not hear by XX date, you will unfortunately have to consider them as a no. 


    Post # 7
    332 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Well they have to understand that it’s not the same as a birthday party where you come if you can and will find out that day. Uh… no, tell them the final deadline sometime before the venue deadline, etc. Let them know if they don’t give you an answer you’re putting them down as no. I personally would be irritated if they ended up showing anyway and you had to squeeze them in. Too bad you can’t bring that up in advance, lol.  

    Post # 8
    5473 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    As someone who has not yet had to deal with this… take my advice with a grain of salt (and a lemon wedge & a shot of tequilla!)

    I imagine I’ll try once or twice to contact delinquent responders about a week after our RSVP deadline… if I STILL don’t have an answer, then I will exclude them from the seating chart & meal selections.  If they show up anyway, they will not have an assigned table or a meal.  They’ll be more than welcome to stay, I’m sure they can find a table that isn’t too full & squeeze an extra chair in, but I have no intention whatsoever of having the caterers whip up a meal on demand.  No way.  You don’t RSVP, you don’t eat. 

    Post # 9
    5473 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Derp!  Double post…

    Post # 10
    146 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I’m an other vote.  You have a deadline for your caterer on day x.  Prior to that, you need a firm answer.  Call them, don’t email, and ask them yes or no.  Don’t accept maybe, and confirm if they’re coming.  Our final numbers aren’t due until 5 days before.  If they can’t tell you by then, don’t count on them coming, and make it clear in your conversation with them that you do/do not plan on their attendance.  You probably need a couple extra seats just in case, so you should have some slop in the numbers.

    Post # 11
    3625 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Our caterer specifies in the contract that they bring extra food (our actual wedding food, not just random food) in the event the guest count is wrong or stuff like this happens. They didn’t specify how much extra, but I’m guessing a few guests would be fine. So in theory, if they are true wedding crashers, they would be covered. I would check with your caterer. If none of the extra food is consumed, we don’t have to pay for the extra food.

    However, this is more about the principle of the matter than ensuring they are fed. Personally, I think this is rude of them to not RSVP but in some cultures, like FI’s, guests traditionally don’t RSVP and they just show up because the hosts are expected to be hospitable. Honestly, I think I would give them a hard and firm deadline and call it a day. If they really wanted to come, then they would have told you so by now.

    Post # 12
    5976 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    @Miss Eagle:  Exactly this!

    I’m with your Fiance…give them a deadline and say, “If we don’t get your response by this date, we have to assume you aren’t coming as our caterer needs to know.” End of story. 

    Post # 13
    1243 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    @Zoe75:  I’ll be honest here: It doesn’t matter what problems your friends are having.  This is rude and ridiculous.  God…I’m so tired of hearing about these problems.  When it did become normal to not RSVP for an event just in case something better comes up or because they can’t make up their mind?  Were these people raised with wolves?  Come on now.

    In any case…do what 

    View original reply
    @Miss Eagle suggested.  Do not just let them show up (if they do, you’ll be gracious, etc).  If you do, you’ll be on the ‘Bee a couple of days after you come back from your honeymoon complaining about how your friends wasted $100s of your money by not showing up.  If you search the Hive, there are SO MANY stories of just that…and people’s relationships don’t always recover.  

    Post # 14
    4192 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

    I sent this email out after our RSVP deadline- got people’s butts in gear to return their RSVP cards:

    “Hey- Just wanted to check on your RSVP for our wedding on July 13th. We know how easy it is to let these dates get away from you, however we need to give our caterer a final number of guests. If we haven’t received your reply card by June 23rd, we’ll have to assume that you are unable to attend (which would be very sad!). Hope you’ll be able to join us on the big day. :)”

    If someone says “we won’t know until the day,”- “ok, we’ll have to put you down as a no, then, since we have to give the caterer confirmed numbers.” 

    You don’t want to be dealing with reworking your table counts/etc. the week of the wedding. 

    Post # 15
    11231 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I’m definitely in the “If we don’t hear from you by the deadline, we’re sorry that you won’t be there” camp.

    Post # 16
    3569 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I  voted other. What we plan on doing is putting our RSVp a few weeks before our vedors need final numbers. So anyone who doesnt respond will get a phonecall and email, asking them to reply by the end of the week, we also let them know what we are giving final head counts to our vendors so if they dont respond by that date then we won`t be able to accomdate them.

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