Post # 1
I am getting married in a little under a year. My fiance and I picked a reasonably-priced venue and are getting help from our parents, so we are luckily able to invite all of our family and close friends.
There are, of course, some people we do hang out with that we aren’t inviting. Here are some of my dilemmas:
1) There is a group of girls I hang out with in my town for dinners, drinks, etc. about once a month. I am extremely close to two of them (10+ year friendships) and am of course inviting them, but I don’t plan to invite the other girls, who I’ve only met in the last year or so and don’t really have individual relationships with. One of them already asked one of my close friends in the group about the wedding and if I was inviting everyone in the group, which makes me think she assumes she’s invited (she’s not). Also, when we hang out they always want to talk about my plans, which is awkward because I’m not inviting all of them. What should I do when people bring up the wedding in the group? How do I tell people they aren’t invited, should they ask?
2) Another dilemma is work people. I work in a small office- there are only 9 employees. I really want to invite the two business owners and their spouses and one co-worker I particularly like and her fiance. Is it rude not to invite everyone? I told everyone at work I was engaged (it’s a small office, so it would have been weird not to explain the ring!), but only discuss the wedding with the people I plan to invite either before or after everyone else goes home. There are two people in particular that will be offended by this, but I really don’t care. Thoughts?
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Dude – I have two very similar dilemmas! Not sure yet what to do. My wedding isn’t for another 10 1/2 months, so I figure I’ll see what happens this fall and winter. (If I spend more or less time with the others in the group, and whether I get closer to my other coworkers – I have only been at this job for 6 months, with a lot of time gone traveling for work.)
In general, I think anyone who’s been through the marriage process knows that you just can’t invite everyone, and people generally understand….
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
If you get asked by people you can’t invite, just say you’re planning to have a small/intimate wedding or that your venue has a capacity limit, and people will (hopefully) understand. I wouldn’t care that much about your coworkers, but you could maybe add the other girls from your hangouts to a “B List”? Good luck!!
Post # 5
I just give the “due to venue restrictions, etc” and that “as obligatory family members decline we’ll be able to invite more of our fun friends!” whether you plan to invite them or not. I also avoid talking about wedding details with those who aren’t invited, and I post NO details on FB or other social media. I wouldn’t bother bringing it up with the girls, if they’re ballsy enough to ask for an invitation then you can explain that you’re very limited but that you hope to be able to include as many friends as possible as your large families send in their responses… no need to hurt their feelings by saying they’re definitely off the list. There were a few girls I know that were pissed they weren’t invited to my shower or bachelorette, and I just said that I still wasn’t sure how many friends I’d be able to invite because of all the family that our parents “made us” invite and I didn’t want them to be offended at being invited to wedding events but not the actual wedding… (the family forcing us thing is not true.. but it’s a white lie that saved their feelings) Some of them didn’t care and wanted to be a part of the bachelorette, others understood, others were annoyed. Honestly, some people are more sensitive than others, and everyone seems to forget how expensive a wedding is unless you’re in the thick of planning one.
Post # 6
Don’t talk about it unless you make it clear to people you’re not inviting that they aren’t going to be there, and that includes FB and social media. Yes, some people will have an attitude, but I can’t possibly accomodate everybody who wants to attend. I’m only inviting 2-4 co-workers out of a 600 plus person office!
Post # 7
This is a tough one for me as well. I like the “due to venue restrictions” answer because in my case that is honestly true. But there is the question of when and how to tell people they are not invited? I feel like I should say *something*. A personal note over Facebook to people who might otherwise be offended?
This issue is a sore spot for me because a few years ago, and both around the same time, two guy friends from highschool got married and I was the only one in the old friendship group who wasn’t invited to either wedding. They even invited my best friend! (I was in a bit of a party girl phase and wasn’t doing anything with my life and I guess they decided to be judgemental.) I had congratulated both of them on their engagments and told them I was looking forward to their weddings, only to never hear from either of them after that until a couple of years later when they started acting like we had just magically “lost touch”. I don’t ever want to make someone feel like I did.
Post # 8
In a small work setting such as that it’s pretty much all or nothing when it comes to your co-workers, you can get away with only inviting your 2 bosses, but the co-worker is a big no unless you invite the rest. Believe me it will get around such a small environment and it could ultimately affect your career.
As for the group of girls, if you don’t have personal relationships with any of them aside from the 2 girls, then I don’t see an issue with that. You’ve known the 2 girls for over 10 yrs, just explain to the rest that you are having an intimate wedding with only family and very close, long time friends.
Post # 9
Thanks for the tips. I am not going to worry too much about the group of girls and will be honest with them if need be. I would never expect to be invited to their weddings so hopefully they really don’t expect to be included in mine. I am going to ask my direct superior who got married shortly before my start date to see what she did with regard to inviting other co-workers. The co-workers I’m planning to exclude aren’t very well-regarded by the powers that be, so I’m not worried about my career being affected, but I want to get her read on it.
Post # 10
Re inviting some co-workers & not others – in our dept where some of us have met socially away from work (dinners, baby showers, hens parties etc) it’s generally been handled ok as long as you are discreet when inviting (so not handing out envelopes or discussing etc in front of people not invited) and just giving those people a heads up that not everyone from work etc is invited, so keeping it on the down low.
If you do get asked “why is Sally invited but not me” you can respond that it’s because you & Sally are friends outside of work, but IMO shouldn’t need to justify your friendships with others.
I don’t understand how some adults get so worked up “why not me” for big social things when they don’t make an effort on a daily basis. If you barely grunt “hello” at me in the corridor or we just talk weather at the photocopier – don’t get snarky when I invite another co-worker who is a proper friend that I frequently socialise with outside of work!! That’s my opinion, anyway!
Post # 11
I wouldn’t do a personal facebook message or note. For your circle of friends, mention the next time they ask you about the wedding how upset you are that you aren’t able to invite all of your friends due to your large family and venue constraints. For your coworkers, I wouldn’t discuss the wedding in front of everyone. It seems like an all or nothing crowd with an office that small, but PP have given good solutions.