Post # 1
It’s as simple as that! If you are in this situation, you may know what it feels like to be torn to shreds inside. Having favorite children is one of the biggest taboos, but maybe your in-laws have them like mine do. But my husband isn’t the favorite, and it tears me up inside to see the look in his eyes when he KNOWS IT.
What could you POSSIBLY DO?! Bring it up with your MIL? AHAHAHAHAHA!
Anyone else know how I feel?
Life goes on, and the favorite becomes more and more so, and as their family grows there are even MORE people who are more favored than the two of us.
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
Well, I can kind of relate, but it’s me who isn’t the favorite. It isn’t my parents showing favoritism, but the rest of my family (grandparents, aunts, etc.). It can be really hard on me and it’s really upsetting, but I find that it’s most helpful when Mr. Cardigan is just supportive of me. For some reason it makes me more upset if he tries to joke about it or make fun of my family for being so ridiculous – I don’t know why, but I think it has to do with the fact that I know they treat me horribly, and him joking about it just makes me feel worse, even if he’s just trying to make me laugh.
Just let him know that you’re there for him, and always listen if he needs to vent about it. Just knowing that I can talk to Mr. C when they’re treating me badly helps a lot!
Post # 4
Now its my turn to post words of encouragement on your post, LOL
Make sure your FH knows your his biggest fan. Your his loudest cheerleader. Like @cardigan said, the major thing that helps is knowing your largest support is your person!!!
Post # 5
I agree with the above statements. I can’t really relate, cause my Fiance is an only child, but I would imagine that knowing that he’s your favorite person in the world should help a lot. You obviously can’t replace the love from his parents, but you can do what you are able to to help him. Just curious, what do your in laws do to show him that he’s not the favorite?
Post # 6
My Fiance is this and not this at the same time.
He really is his mammy’s boy – he’s the one she rings when the rest of them are annoying her – but his sisters are weird with him, sometimes. Silly things.
He might have a pain in his shoulder, maybe keeping him up at night. I want him to get it looked at, they’ll say it’s nothing.
Or a pain behind his eye – I say go to the opticians, get new glasses – they say stop exaggerating.
Really annoying, cos the worst culprit ha a path beat to the doctors for antibiotics every time she gets a sore throat!
I guess all you can do is lots of hugs, and I find nudie cuddles cheer my man up no end :)!!!
Post # 7
My fi isn’t the favorite at all. His siblings get everything under the sun and he usually gets ignored or treated like a slave. They also tend to ignore me and I get fed up with his family treating me like a “favor of the month, she’ll be gone” than his fi for four years.
I know exactly how you feel and there isn’t anything that can be done. With my fi, he doesn’t like me saying anything about it or pointing out mishapes. (Actually, we had a HUGE fight over his family and comments) I have been taking on more of the supportive-keep-my-mouth-shut-even-if-I-am-going-to-bite-my-tongue-off state just like what miss cardigan mentioned. They hurt my feelings. And, even when this fight was happening, his family ganged up on me about never trying to “fit in” without ever thinking about themselves or their comments. Just passing the blame elsewhere.
Post # 8
@mrsawesome09 – I could write a book on how its shown, it’s a multitude of things. The one that gets me most (the one you can’t really call the parents out on) is “Black Sheep Syndrome” – other siblings have interests and life choices that align more greatly with the parents.
So, as they get married and have kids, they seem to bring the in laws more and more joy because there are more and more people just like them. Meanwhile, we try to live our lives and please them, but we’ll never quite reach the top shelf for them.
It’s disappointing and frustrating. I don’t even wish that his siblings not be who they are – I just wish his parents would be more considerate with us.
@floridabeachbride- my husband is the same in that he doesn’t like it to be discussed. I see HUGE slights by them, but he copes by ignoring it and that’s not how I was raised. The fact that saying nothing is the best road to take makes it worse.
The STRANGEST part is that tension builds up, and although what you’re desiring is more GENUINE love and attention you become upset with them and when they do pay you mind you want to ignore them and tell them to piss up a rope.
Post # 9
Its kind of the opposite for us. He is the favorite and I am not. It is never outright said but everyone knows it.
We tend to spend a lot of time with the other family because they act happy to see us and are more than thrilled when we come visit. Also a big problem in my family is that my parents are HORRIBLE at following thru with what they say the are going to do.
-Like hey dad can you come help me move from a foreign country back to the states in 4 months. I will pay for your flight and everything. My dad agrees and I buy the ticket. Then two weeks later he tells me that he cannot come because he scheduled a work thing during that time. (My dad owns his own business and the thing scheduled is definitely not something that is a priority)
-Whereas with my sister who had an awards banquet in college and told my dad about it on a Tuesday and the banquet was on Friday – my dad drove 17 hours and cancelled work for 2 days on last minute notice.
Post # 10
I can totally relate! I just try to not bash them but support my Fiance to the fullest when he wants to vent about them.
Post # 11
So, with my husband’s family, he’s kind of the opposite. It’s just him and his brother, but he’s the baby and the obvious favorite. His brother is 35 and still lives at home. Never really got on his feet I guess. Meanwhile, my husband bought his condo and was the first to move out, then got married and now we have the condo and a single home together and are looking to start a family soon. He just finished his masters degree and is working in his field while my BIL moved on to Real Estate which couldn’t be farther from his kinesiology degree. So, in m in-laws eyes, my husband can do no wrong. It’s actually a little frustrating. While I love that his parents are so supportive, they almost expect us to help out his brother all the time, and that’s not always cool w/ me.
On the other side of the spectrum, I am not the favorite with my parents. It’s clear that my mom favors my brothers over me…and mainly b/c my mom is an extremely jealous person. so she will do so much more for them than she will for me b/c they’re her baby boys. I’m a girl, so I apparently am self sufficient and don’t need anything. Not to mention, more is expected of me in regards to helping my parents with things. I can try with all my might to please my mom, but nothing is ever good enough.
So, we do see both sides of things, and neither is as much fun. Sorry to hear that you’re going through this. The best you can do is try to weather the storm with him. He’ll appreciate you being there for him when this happens.
Post # 12
I am in the same situation. I just make sure he knows he is MY favorite. =) It goes a long way.
Post # 13
Believe him. Really… my Fiance has always said that his fam didn’t treat him that well (extended mostly) and I kind of thought he was being too sensitive or something. Well we went for a graduation party with them a few weeks ago and I was part of that whole group for the first time… and they really do ignore him! Its weird. I used to really push for him to try to make more of an effort with his family and to spend more time with them, i’m done. I’ll support whatever he wants to do and tag along when he asks, but I’m done suggesting he make any effort with them because they clearly dont make an effort with him.
Post # 14
I can totally relate.
Just be his biggest cheerleader and let him vent if he needs to. My Future Mother-In-Law favors Future Sister-In-Law and FSIL’s bf so much more, it’s painfully obvious and it hurts to see. Sometimes it’s very hard to hold my tongue but you just gotta be there for your Fiance.
Ahhh it makes me so mad!!!!
Post # 15
Thanks very much, Bees. I definitely listen when he vents, but it doesn’t come too often – he’s resigned himself, I guess. Part of my newlywed woes is being resigned as well! Accepting that this is the way it is is hard! I wish it weren’t!
Worse, I’ve become a worrier as an adult and I get this anxiety about the future because I think the canyon between the favorite and my husband is only going to get larger as time goes on – I think my IL’s will only get more obsessed with them.
I’m trying so hard to accept this reality and MOVE ON, but I’m failing miserably at that. We don’t even SEE the ILs, they live thousands of miles away and we get the odd email from them once a week. I never speak to them on the phone, but OMG THEY HAUNT ME!!!!!!! They are poltergeists in this mushy grey stuff in my head I call a brain!
Post # 16
@pinkpinstripes – EXACTLY the same. When my folks and the IL’s got together on wedding-related occasions, all the IL’s could talk about was the bf of a SIL. Not one bit of bragging about their OWN son… and his upcoming wedding!
Like I said, the favorites are very different people so the only thing I can hold on to is that (despite my competative nature) it is illogical to feel a competition going on. We are on totally different life roads and tracks.
But I just gotta let go. I gotta figure out a way to just LET IT GO and LET THE FAVORITES GO.