(Closed) What to do with a toxic mother and a proposal?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My husband took my parents out to a nice dinner (without my knowledge) to ask them, and heck we’re 41 so we certainly didn’t need their blessing but I know they really appreciated him asking.  

You know your parents best, but I think maybe if they don’t like him already it will cause even more of a rift between them if he avoided asking than if he asked and was turned down.  You’ll just be giving them more ammunition against him.

So I do think he should ask for their blessing but be prepared for them to not give it.  If they don’t he should let them know that with our without it he still intends to marry you and that he hopes that someday he’ll be able to prove to them that he is worthy of their daughter.  I think him doing it on his own in a mature and respectful way may show a different side of him to your parents and could be a turning point.  I feel like if you went with him it wouldn’t be as strong of a statement, and they may gain more respect for him by doing it on his own knowing that they do not approve.

Post # 4
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

My fiance wanted to ask my father’s blessing as well.  He’d only met my father the day before, because my dad lives overseas, so he was a bit nervous.  I was there when he did the asking, which I think helped, but he did the talking.  

If you think this is going to lead to your father making a negative remark, I would go ahead and skip it.  If you think he will be ok with it and honored by it, then go with your Boyfriend or Best Friend for support (or because you think there is less of a chance of something negative happening).  Is there any chance you can find out how he feels separately from how your mother feels?

Post # 5
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

You already know your mom’s negative feelings, so I would not have your boyfriend include her in the discussion.  If you are following tradition, it is to ask the father, so going out for coffee, out to lunch, for a beer or whatever feels comfortable is the way to go.  Your boyfriend could share his feelings of love for you, his commitment to support you in your aspirations and as an equal partner in your marriage.

I think Jinxsar has a good suggestion in finding out how your dad feels which can help your boyfriend prepare.  It is nervewracking, but with preparation it can work out just fine and be a stepping-stone toward a good relationshihp with your dad.  Best wishes.

 

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