Post # 1
My soon to be fiance and I have been very open with each other about the fact that we want to get married. It isn’t some big surprise or secret that the proposal is coming, to everyone except my parents. I’ve been with him for over a year and we really are perfect for each other. We’ve been talking about marriage since about month 6, when you know you know right?
But my parents, mainly my mother, is incredibly difficult and has never liked anyone I was with. But this time (maybe because we are living together) she has tried to make my relationship as extra difficult as possible. My fiance is Jewish (i’m christian) and didn’t finish college so to her, he is trash. I’m not trying to rant about my mother so, to save time and space, lets just say she is toxic and abusive. She tries to make me feel like I’m doing something wrong by living the life that makes me happy, even though I’m finacially stable, in a healthy relationship and in the best shape of my life.
My father on the other hand is incredibly reserved, he and I haven’t always had the best relationship because he doesn’t communicate much. I don’t really know how he feels about me and my boyfriend, all i know is he has to listen to my mother 24/7 and I can imagine its hard to think good of someone who is always being put down to you.
Now I know my boyfriend is in the process of purchasing a ring (we picked it out together) and hes been asking me advice on how to approach my father to ask for his blessing. I know we don’t need this, being that we’re 25 and live together etc, but its a tradition both of us (and my family) think is respectful. I don’t want to damage the relationships anymore by making my father feel disrepected.
Now I’ve told my Boyfriend or Best Friend to approach him at lunch, at work, w/o my mother around. They’ve never spoken 1 on 1 and we’re all a little nervous about how this will go. (We being us and other people in my family who support my happiness)
Any advice about how to handle this situation? I’ve had people tell me that we should talk to him together, but I don’t know if thats a good idea or not? I don’t feel like any of this is my fathers fault buts should we even bother asking him knowing what hes going to say?
Post # 3
My husband took my parents out to a nice dinner (without my knowledge) to ask them, and heck we’re 41 so we certainly didn’t need their blessing but I know they really appreciated him asking.
You know your parents best, but I think maybe if they don’t like him already it will cause even more of a rift between them if he avoided asking than if he asked and was turned down. You’ll just be giving them more ammunition against him.
So I do think he should ask for their blessing but be prepared for them to not give it. If they don’t he should let them know that with our without it he still intends to marry you and that he hopes that someday he’ll be able to prove to them that he is worthy of their daughter. I think him doing it on his own in a mature and respectful way may show a different side of him to your parents and could be a turning point. I feel like if you went with him it wouldn’t be as strong of a statement, and they may gain more respect for him by doing it on his own knowing that they do not approve.
Post # 4
My fiance wanted to ask my father’s blessing as well. He’d only met my father the day before, because my dad lives overseas, so he was a bit nervous. I was there when he did the asking, which I think helped, but he did the talking.
If you think this is going to lead to your father making a negative remark, I would go ahead and skip it. If you think he will be ok with it and honored by it, then go with your Boyfriend or Best Friend for support (or because you think there is less of a chance of something negative happening). Is there any chance you can find out how he feels separately from how your mother feels?
Post # 5
You already know your mom’s negative feelings, so I would not have your boyfriend include her in the discussion. If you are following tradition, it is to ask the father, so going out for coffee, out to lunch, for a beer or whatever feels comfortable is the way to go. Your boyfriend could share his feelings of love for you, his commitment to support you in your aspirations and as an equal partner in your marriage.
I think Jinxsar has a good suggestion in finding out how your dad feels which can help your boyfriend prepare. It is nervewracking, but with preparation it can work out just fine and be a stepping-stone toward a good relationshihp with your dad. Best wishes.