Post # 1
My finace and I are having a hard time with his two boys… 12 and 9. They only come over when it is near birthdays or holidays… There mother has filled there heads with many..many lies. Needless to say…they do not like me..infact they have stolen from me and our home.
They do not know my family at all…and they barely know his family.. he has stated over and over again that we are not going to have them there…I just dont know want him to regret it years down the road… Frankly I would be much more at ease if they were not there.
Post # 3
Neither of you want your FI’s kids at your wedding? Really? They’re his children and soon to be your step-children. Heads filled with lies or not, they’re children. And they’re going to be a huge part of your life once you marry your Fiance. I can’t wrap my head around this.
I think it would absolutely distastful if you didn’t at least give them the option of coming to your wedding.
Post # 4
When those children grow up they will know who lied to them, who treated them well, who loved them and who was there for them. The two of you get to choose if that is you or not.
There is nothing that you can do about the lying on the mother’s part. As they get older they will realize that she is not truthful and is obviously having troulel coping with her ex’s new relationship.
It is only natural that kids of this age will act out.
Post # 5
Are you kidding? These are his children, his family, his own flesh and blood. I can’t believe you wouldn’t want them at your wedding. I have no words.
Post # 6
Your situation is much different than mine, so I’m not sure my comments will help. However, Darling Husband has four children (two are adults, and two were 11 and 13 when we married) and a daughter-in-law, and all five — along with DH’s older daughter’s boyfriend (now FI) — were in our wedding party. Since Darling Husband has long had 50 percent custody of his minor children, he has a very strong relationship with them, unlike the situation you described with your Fiance.
I am thinking that it truly would be nice to have them at your wedding and perhaps even include them in your wedding party, but you would certainly need someone to whom they would listen to be responsible for overseeing them that day in case they decided to “act out.” Obviously, you and your Fiance will be quite busy that day and cannot take on the task of overseeing and parenting the boys unless they are members of your bridal party, and, even then, only during the brief moments of time when you are not busy doing all of the other things you need to do at your own wedding. We were blessed to have our kids’ older brother and sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. to help oversee them when they were not performing their bridal party “duties.”
Post # 7
I would love if we had someone to help with them on that day… but like I said..even his family does not interact with his sons……They did not come to there grandmothers funeral…even though we offered to take them and pay for it.. (it was out of State)
The problem that we are having is that they are not involved with us… we only see them 4-5 times a year..it is not a 50/50 thing with the ex. They dont even call him dad… I am trying to convince him…and myself they should be there..
It not a thing where they want mom and dad back together either, there mom has had a live in boyfriend for 3 years.
I want them there because it is the right thing to do, but it is also our day…and we do not want it ruined by an outburst or have them stealing from our quests. In a perfect world this would not be an issue, but these two boys want nothing to do with there father. We have not even seen them since November.
I am not looking to be bashed either…read what i wrote… we dont know what to do…surely there are others who have been in this spot. I know there are many “blended families” that do not blend well at all.
Post # 8
@marie316: I understand your reasons for not wanting them there, it also says a lot of if your FI’s family doesn’t even want them there and they don’t call him dad. Maybe you’ll regret not having them there, but maybe not. Unless you can get someone to take of them during the wedding, I’m not sure how you could let them participate without risking them ruining the day. Do they even want to attend the wedding?
Post # 9
@marie316: I’m so sorry to hear how difficult things have been and what you are up against at your wedding and beyond. For the wedding, if you decide to have them there, can you hire a sitter or is there a good disciplinarian and trusted friend of yours, someone who can take charge of the boys escorting them around? If they get out of hand this person can simple escort them out of the room and send them home.
If you decide not to have them there, perhaps it is best until you can iron things out as a more cohesive family. Don’t let the wedding be the deadline, even though it would be nice to have pictures with them for posterity, etc. Try to see past that. For the future, I hope you can all receive family counseling for blended families. If you are anywhere near Northern California I can refer you to someone wonderful. Good luck to you!
Post # 10
@marie316: I hope you didn’t read what I wrote as “bashing.” I just couldn’t wrap my head around what you had posted initially. You made it just sound like they were being bratty kids- All kids can be bratty.
I think the answer you’re looking for is that it’s ok not to invite them. But dispite all of the problems and lack of relationships, I still think they should be given the option to come. Even at 9 I would have been really devistated if my father got married and didn’t even bother asking me if I’d like to be there (my sister and I also had an estranged relationship with our father and only saw him a few times a year).
Just giving these kids the choice to come to their dad’s wedding would be enough to bypass any hurt feelings on the kids part.
However, to put it bluntly, if they really dislike your Fiance they probably won’t want to come anyway.
Post # 11
What if you had them attend the ceremony, and then had them go with a baby sitter or someone for the reception. Have someone keep an eye on them during the ceremony and if they act up have them removed.
Post # 12
I think it’s up too you guys to decide if it’s right for them. But even at that age I imagine it would do nothing but make them beilive that their mothers “lies” are true.
Post # 13
@imalittlebirdie: I was going to suggest this too. Right or wrong, it sounds like you are uncomfortable with them being there. They really should be there though as they are your FI’s kids and your future step kids. Maybe it would make you feel better to have someone take responsibility for them that day? Is there a friend or family member that can keep an eye on them?
Post # 14
We have deceided to ask them if they want to be there…. We have talked to his dad and his sister and they said they would help out… So thank you for all the advice!!! My gut is telling me they wont want to be there…at least we will have asked 🙂