what to do with toxic best friend who is also bridesmaid? (a bit long sorry)

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Is she married? Single? 

Post # 5
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

You’re having your wedding abroad…but you think she doesn’t have to spend any money?  It sounds like she’s being honest, and is a bit negative in general.   Is she in a relationship?

Post # 6
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@skschick:  Based on my personal experience, alone, it sounds like she is having a rough time with you getting married but it’s coming across as complaining. You can talk to her, as I did to my best friend & try to feel it out. But my (ex) friend lied, telling me multiple times she was great. We are no longer friends. 

Or you can tell her you don’t feel it’s working out as you planned & she no longer has to be a BM/MOH. You DO have a right to change your mind. 

 

Best to you. It’s hard and painful when your best friend acts like an ass. Planning a wedding has shown who my true friends are. 

Post # 7
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@skschick:  I think that is definitely a difficult choice. She is there to SUPPORT you on your big day, not burden you.

 

My Maid/Matron of Honor was having the same issue with one of her Bridesmaid or Best Man as well. Extremely negative, feeling downright ungrateful for being asked to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man (she thought she deserved to be the MOH). Everyone was telling my Maid/Matron of Honor to cut it off, myself included (being one of her Bridesmaid or Best Man too). She eventually just told the friend outright that she needed to lighten up or give up her dress, and that gave the Bridesmaid or Best Man a reality check. It completely switched her around.

 

I’d see what exactly it is that’s bothering her and see if it’s worth resolving. If it’s over something stupid, cut the ties.

Post # 9
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee

@skschick: I think she has a right to ask whether the venue has a fan and a wedding can be expensive. She is probably just struggling financially. I think as a whole she is probably happy for you.

Post # 10
Member
438 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Coral99:  Planning a wedding has shown who my true friends are. +1

I can’t believe she told you that being in the wedding is causing her a headache! I’ve learned from my friendships that there are friends who behave badly, but really care about you and don’t reliaze how horrible they are being. When you bring it up with them, they feel terrible and say sorry. Then there are “friends” who just really aren’t friends at all, and if you confront them they get mad and aren’t sorry. You’ll have to figure out which one she is.

As far as the wedding planning showing me who my true friends are: I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man who was causing me A LOT of grief. Finally I realized, we aren’t that close of friends and I really flat out couldn’t stand her anymore-she had changed that much! I only get married once, and I don’t want my special day and wedding planning to be polluted by a bad “friend.” I asked my Bridesmaid or Best Man to step down, the friendship ended, but honestly, I wasn’t even sad, it ended up being such a relief!

Only you know your friendship with this girl. If it’s that bad, ask her to step down, but please know that by doing so, you’re probably ending your friendship (which might not be that bad)

Good luck!


 

Post # 11
Member
301 posts
Helper bee

@skschick:  Except for the bridesmaid thing, wow, are you me? I recently had to cut someone like this out of my life. I had been preparing for it mentally for a few years and then it all just hit me: She was awful and I hated her! It sounds like your problems with your friend go beyond any stresses brought on by your wedding, but as they say, weddings can bring out the worst in people. It may be just time to cut ties with her. Your Fiance and family do not like her, and all of her other friends have abandoned her. Don’t stay friends out of her due to pity, or simply having a history. You have already checked out of sending her updates because you feel she is unreliable. There’s no need to feel sad that you think she isn’t interested. This woman should be grateful to have a friend like you when she has been draining you. She sounds like she is more trouble than she is worth.

Post # 12
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@skschick:  Hello there! I agree with FisherQueen that this friendship may be more of a burden than a blessing in your life. I can empathize with you, as I’m involved in a toxic friendship too that I’m having a hard time shaking because of our long history. Your friendship actually sounds a lot like mine. I  nearly lept out of my chair reading about the support you give your friend versus the support she gives you. It’s the same with me and it makes me sad. Ive been trying to rekindle my friendship but its not really working. Discuss with her first about how you feel…maybe there’s something there still worth saving but my warning is this: she may make some good points about how she feels about the friendship but at the end of the day, shes still going to be the same person. Breaking up with a friend is a terrible and difficult task and I truthfully haven’t found the strength or courage yet to do the deed myself but I honestly think (for both of us) we need to just remember the good times and prevent any bad ones ahead by moving on… :-/

Post # 15
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@HeLovesDogs:  I agree that when you mention it, if they really care, they pipe down! Mine unfortunately lied multiple times & still acted like an ass. It became apparent she may have been a good friend at some point, but no longer was that to me. I have noticed that if people around her are doing good things, it bothers her. She had one friend marry & they only became close again once she was divorcing. All of her friends around her are in pain, living chaotic lives…married to men who habitually cheat, in relationships with alcoholics, etc. SHE has to be the top dog, in her eyes anyway. 

 

And ya… Don’t need it. I’d rather have women next to me that support me and are happy for others progressions because they like their lives! πŸ™‚

 

 

 

 

Post # 16
Member
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

LIfe’s too short for toxic people dragging you down. 14 years is a long time to be friends with someone, but friendships need to work on both ends to be considered friendships. She sounds like an emotional drain. Distancing yourself sounds like a good idea. I’m sorry you’re going thru this. I’ve had a few toxic, emotionally draining long-term friendships myself and altho it’s painful to let these people go, it feels like the world is lifted off your shoulders. Best of luck to you.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors