Post # 1
Fiance is for all intents and purposes my kids’ dad, pending court order. FI’s close cousin asked for his address a few months ago. He gave it to her and advised her during the convo that we would love to come, but our kids would have to come with us. She said she didn’t think she had room for them. He expressed his understanding and we planned to just not go to the wedding. We weren’t hurt/upset, until we learned that every other child in his family had been invited, but ours. But we stayed silent because complaining would have made an unfortunate situation uncomfortable for everyone.
Fast forward to Christmas and Fiance responds to a query from his mom that we haven’t received an invitation to the wedding, but we aren’t surprised because he told Cousin that we can’t come without our kids. His mom flips out and tells us we are mistaken. An hour later, Fiance receives a call from his Aunt (MOB) assuring him that we are “of course” invited and that the invitation had been mailed the week prior.
She was right. The invitation had been mailed with a clear Mr. and Ms. with a response card stating “we’ve reserved 2 seats.” I was upset, but we worked out a not-ideal babysitter and rsvp’d “yes” for the two of us. A few days after her mom received our rsvp, Cousin called to extend an invitation to our kids claiming that she “overlooked them” on the guest list. My guess is that her mom figured out that she purposefully excluded them from the invite and made her call.
Now, it is time for the four of us to go to the wedding and I don’t know what to give. I gifted a nice gift of the registry for the shower (that I couldn’t attend). Traditionally, I would write a check for $200 ($50/person), but I am angry and hurt by the entire situation and feel like my kids were purposefully excluded and then “B” listed.
How much would you give and why?
Post # 3
I would give them the $200 and assume the best. Wedding planning and guest lists are STRESSFUL. I unintentionally had some B-list guests, they didn’t come, and I felt HORRIBLE about it. Brides and grooms make mistakes wedding planning, even with the best intent.
I know you view Fiance as your kids dad – but it sounds like his family may have a more difficult time accepting the adoption situation. It doesn’t change the fact that Fiance is their dad – but, give them a little grace as they adjust too (meaning, his extended family).
Post # 4
It may be the “T” word but I would not gift again.
From what you wrote, it seems rather clear she did not wish for your children to be there and you could’ve gone either way about actually attending. I do not see a need to give money to someone who basically did not want you/your whole family there. Further, you’ll also be out money to pay for the non-ideal babysitter.
Giving should be with a cheerful heart, not out of obligation.
ETA: I want to clarify… sounds like I meant it out of spite and I totally didn’t mean it that way! I simply would not gift just because you already gave one at the shower.
Post # 5
@Diet Coke: Ha, I did read it that you wouldn’t out of spite…because if I don’t it will be out of spite. 😛
Post # 6
Unfortunately, it sounds like whatever you do will be out of spite. Some may say then to choose your battles…. so, good luck with whatever you decide!
Post # 7
You already gave a gift at the shower. If you want to give something more, I’d just give $50; otherwise, just get them a card.
Post # 8
I’m all about etiquette but honestly, if I was in that position, I would NOT give anything else, other than maybe a box of cards that the kids made, and one you and Fiance make.
Post # 10
TBH I think you should let it go and try to get over the hurt feelings. It probably caused some hurt feelings and stress for the bride and groom when you insisted on an invite for your kids, but they tried to make it work anyway. There are so many threads on WB stressing out about guests who demand that their kids be invited or that they bring a plus one, this is the flip side of that. It also seems pretty passive-aggressive to RSVP yes for everyone and go to the wedding but try to send a message through the amount of the gift you give.
IMO if you attend someone’s wedding it should be with a happy heart for the couple, and no hard feelings. If you don’t feel that way then you should RSVP no.
Post # 11
@Over the Moon: At no time did I insist on an invite for my kids. Stating that we cannot come without them is the reality, not an insistence on an invite.
Post # 12
@MrsLulu: Then something isn’t adding up, because you say you wouldn’t be able to go without bringing the kids, but when they invited just the two of you you got a babysitter and RSVP’d yes.
I may have misunderstood but I stand by my post that you shouldn’t go if there are such hurt feelings and you’re calling her a selfish witch behind her back. Either clear the air beforehand or RSVP no.
Post # 13
There are always 2 sides to every story. From your side, it sounds pretty clear that it was a personal move against you and your kids. I have no idea what her side is, but maybe she originally wanted an adults only wedding, and got bullied by her mom or others into inviting more and more kids? Who knows, but it’s definitely feasible (it’s difficult standing your ground as a bride against everyone who wants to be bringing their kids to your adults only wedding!) It seriously sounds like her mom had ideas on having kids invited if you think her mom is the one that got her to invite your kids as well.
Either way, I totally agree with one of the PPs… if you’re attending out of obligation, you still feel slighted by this situation, or feel anything other than joy to celebrate with them in their union, then you should RSVP no. And if you still feel hurt, then don’t send a gift.
Edit: @overthemoon, I’m also confused by that part of the story…
Post # 14
I’m sorry, I guess I just don’t understand – or at least, I think there’s a bit of an overreaction here. Particularly given that you guys were OK going without the kids (since you made plans).
Coming from the side of someone without kids and someone who’s also wrangling with a guest list cap, it sounds to me (just from what you said) that she was pretty sure she wouldn’t have room, but ended up making room when it became clear that your feelings were hurt (which would have been communicated when you talked about how the invite probably hadn’t been sent because you had said your kids would need to come and FCIL had said there might not be room). But that’s just me reading the posts here.
Regardless… if your feelings are going to dictate your gift giving, just don’t go.