(Closed) What to gift as a guest? (Special Circumstances)

posted 7 years ago in Gifts and Registries
  • poll:
    $200 -- just because she is a selfish witch doesn't mean you can forgo ettiquette : (22 votes)
    45 %
    $100 -- gift as if just you and FI were going, because she conveniently forgot your kids : (19 votes)
    39 %
    $50 -- you gave a shower gift, so this is merely a token : (5 votes)
    10 %
    $0 -- you don't need to gift her anymore : (3 votes)
    6 %
  • Post # 3
    7173 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I would give them the $200 and assume the best.  Wedding planning and guest lists are STRESSFUL.  I unintentionally had some B-list guests, they didn’t come, and I felt HORRIBLE about it.  Brides and grooms make mistakes wedding planning, even with the best intent.

    I know you view Fiance as your kids dad – but it sounds like his family may have a more difficult time accepting the adoption situation.  It doesn’t change the fact that Fiance is their dad – but, give them a little grace as they adjust too (meaning, his extended family).


    Post # 4
    331 posts
    Helper bee

    It may be the “T” word but I would not gift again.

    From what you wrote, it seems rather clear she did not wish for your children to be there and you could’ve gone either way about actually attending. I do not see a need to give money to someone who basically did not want you/your whole family there. Further, you’ll also be out money to pay for the non-ideal babysitter.

    Giving should be with a cheerful heart, not out of obligation.



    ETA: I want to clarify… sounds like I meant it out of spite and I totally didn’t mean it that way! I simply would not gift just because you already gave one at the shower.

    Post # 6
    331 posts
    Helper bee

    Unfortunately, it sounds like whatever you do will be out of spite. Some may say then to choose your battles….  so, good luck with whatever you decide! Laughing


    Post # 7
    2815 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    You already gave a gift at the shower.  If you want to give something more, I’d just give $50; otherwise, just get them a card.  

    Post # 8
    1106 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m all about etiquette but honestly, if I was in that position, I would NOT give anything else, other than maybe a box of cards that the kids made, and one you and Fiance make.

    Post # 10
    913 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    TBH I think you should let it go and try to get over the hurt feelings. It probably caused some hurt feelings and stress for the bride and groom when you insisted on an invite for your kids, but they tried to make it work anyway. There are so many threads on WB stressing out about guests who demand that their kids be invited or that they bring a plus one, this is the flip side of that. It also seems pretty passive-aggressive to RSVP yes for everyone and go to the wedding but try to send a message through the amount of the gift you give.

    IMO if you attend someone’s wedding it should be with a happy heart for the couple, and no hard feelings. If you don’t feel that way then you should RSVP no.

    Post # 12
    913 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @MrsLulu:  Then something isn’t adding up, because you say you wouldn’t be able to go without bringing the kids, but when they invited just the two of you you got a babysitter and RSVP’d yes.

    I may have misunderstood but I stand by my post that you shouldn’t go if there are such hurt feelings and you’re calling her a selfish witch behind her back. Either clear the air beforehand or RSVP no.

    Post # 13
    2104 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    There are always 2 sides to every story.  From your side, it sounds pretty clear that it was a personal move against you and your kids.  I have no idea what her side is, but maybe she originally wanted an adults only wedding, and got bullied by her mom or others into inviting more and more kids?  Who knows, but it’s definitely feasible (it’s difficult standing your ground as a bride against everyone who wants to be bringing their kids to your adults only wedding!)  It seriously sounds like her mom had ideas on having kids invited if you think her mom is the one that got her to invite your kids as well.

    Either way, I totally agree with one of the PPs… if you’re attending out of obligation, you still feel slighted by this situation, or feel anything other than joy to celebrate with them in their union, then you should RSVP no.  And if you still feel hurt, then don’t send a gift.

    Edit:  @overthemoon, I’m also confused by that part of the story…

    Post # 14
    2854 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I’m sorry, I guess I just don’t understand – or at least, I think there’s a bit of an overreaction here. Particularly given that you guys were OK going without the kids (since you made plans).

    Coming from the side of someone without kids and someone who’s also wrangling with a guest list cap, it sounds to me (just from what you said) that she was pretty sure she wouldn’t have room, but ended up making room when it became clear that your feelings were hurt (which would have been communicated when you talked about how the invite probably hadn’t been sent because you had said your kids would need to come and FCIL had said there might not be room). But that’s just me reading the posts here.

    Regardless… if your feelings are going to dictate your gift giving, just don’t go.

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