Post # 1
A little back story:
My boyfriend of almost a year moved for work (military) he has some baggage (ex wife who he also moved and 2 children) – we see a future together and in order not to date long distance.
I went through great lengths of applying for positions within my company and ended up getting a position with a relo package. I’m leaving behind a beautiful home, city, my friends and sister to move 1200 miles to continue our relationship… Which Im willing to do because I love him. Since I’m moving there he has asked me to live with him, which I think makes sense. But my question is what should I pay him in rent?
I am a successful woman with a good salary, but im hesitant to pay 50 percent because of a few factors:
He just bought the house (not we, HE) so I’d essentially be contributing to his morgage abd equity. Not only that, but I’m not a fan of the location, he wanted the house for his children,it’s close to his work, good schools and where his ex wife can afford to live. I will have a longer commute and if I were renting or buying this is not what i would prefer..
My thoughts are to pay utilities and create a savings account for the future so in a few years when we move again – I can match him with his equity toward a down payment on OUR house. I don’t expect to live for free..Just looking for some different perspectives.
Post # 2
Are you sure that you and your boyfriend are on the same page about future plans?
You don’t want to make such a huge sacrifice only to find out that your boyfriend, doesn’t want to get married to you someday if that’s what you’re looking for.
Why not just ask your boyfriend what he expects in terms of a contribution and go from there?
Post # 3
Figure out the maximum you’d be willing to pay to live there.. offer it to him, if he says its too low, get an apartment at a price and location you’re OK with. That’s how an economist would do it… (actually, an economist would start low and then keep raising it until they hit the maximum they’re willing to pay.. but I assume you want to be as generous as possible without hurting yourself).
He has a huge incentive to accept whatever you offer because
1. If he says no its not like he’ll get a different tenant, so really its your offer or nothing
2. You did just pack up your entire f*n life to go be with him.. he kind of owes you
As for the rest of your post.. are you sure he’ll want to move again?
Post # 4
Paying only the utilities IS basically living for free. If you don’t live with him, you are going to have to pay rent somewhere, so it’s kind of a copout to come up with reasons why you shouldn’t have to pay rent.
Alternatively, if you have no faith that eventually the house will be in both your names, you could propose that you pay all the other household expenses to an amount that equals his mortgage payment: utilities, groceries,household supplies etc.
If that doesn’t add up to the same as the mortgage, you could start a separate savings account and make regular payments to it. The two of you can decide how it is used- vacations, vehicles etc.
Post # 5
yes I am sure we are on the same page. We have excellent communication and talked about what each of us wants for the future and it will come with time. I dI’d ask him what he wanted in terms of money and he is leaving it for me to decide. I honestly think he would be okay if I said I’m not paying a thing (not to jab, but that’s what his first wife did) .. Though Ive always been independent and would not be comfortable with that.
Post # 6
he’s military and he has one more duty station before retirement, so more than likely.
Post # 7
He chose that house for–and is building a future around–his children, are you sure he’s planning to uproot that for you in just a few years?
If you are living togther, especially under his roof, it’s only fair that you contribute to household expenses and/or the mortgage. If you have reservations about that because you don’t consider his choices “ours”, don’t move in. I would also say don’t leave behind your life and try to start it from scratch for someone who isn’t doing the same for you (that you’ve dated for less than a year), but…
Post # 8
Hmmm, this is honestly a tough one Bee. I see where you’re coming from with only paying utilities and basically living rent free… BUT personally I would feel like a moocher and couldn’t do that. How much is his monthly mortgage payment? How much would you be paying in rent otherwise, to be nearby?
I would probably figure out these two things first and then go from there.
I honestly don’t know what advice to give you. I wouldn’t be ok basically paying part of my boyfriend’s mortgage, even though I wouldn’t be accumulating equity in the house and he would be. I also wouldn’t be ok living for free. :/
I think, if push comes to shove, I would rather live rent free and put that money towards saving for a future downpayment, rather than contribute that money to someone else’s home equity.
Have you looked into joint tennancy in the state you’re moving to? I honestly have no idea how this might work for you, but if your guy is willing to put your name on the title as well, THEN I would feel comfortable contributing to the mortgage.
My husband and I bought a house as joint tenants while we were dating. That meant that we each “owned” a certain percentage of the house, which we determined and signed off on, and we contributed that percentage to the mortgage. In our case we split everything 50-50, but we could have split it 90-10, for example. Then, if we had split up, we would have split the equity 90-10.
If he’s open to it, it might be something to research. Just a suggestion.
Post # 9
Well when you pay rent anywhere you are paying someone’s mortgage so it is a complete copout to use that excuse not to pay rent. And in this case if it is as you say and you are both on the same page for the future then by paying him rent you are investing in both your futures.
I think the fairest thing to do is pay market value. What are the comps for renting a room in a house in the area? Plus paying utilities like normal in a shared rental.
Post # 10
that’s a very interesting suggestion; I haven’t thought of that. I’ve owned homes in the past, most recently when the housing market crashed and as a result i am much more cautious/hesitate to buy again. With that said, not sure I would want the same ownership/risk as him, but I would consider it. It’s def something I can talk with him about. 🙂
To answer others above, he does speak of it as “ours” and the future even so much as my parents are retiring in Florida and he talked about eventually ending up there If that interested me. All in all, everything is really great in our relationship. He’s truly my best friend and I will most likely be sharing this thread with him which Im sure he will get a kick out of my crazy idea to search the Internet for advise. But it is really great to read the different feedback, both negative and positive.
Post # 11
Ugh, I really really don’t want to sound negative, but uprooting your life to follow a boyfriend of less than a year into HIS house, near HIS ex and kids is just not a good idea at all. Been there, done that; it totally changes the relationship dynamic and not in your favor. You said you were independent…continue to be and get your own place until he’s really to move in with you on BOTH of your terms.
Post # 12
I don’t think I understand why you wouldn’t pay half. BF and I picked an apartment in an area I don’t love, because of his commute needs. It never occurred to me to pay less rent because its not my ideal location.
He’s not demanding that you live there – if you don’t like the area/house you can rent an apartment in a more convenient location to you. Otherwise, 50/50 on rent and utilities seems fair. Just think of it as any other rent payment – you are just paying him instead of another landlord.
Post # 13
I agree with jay and panda. I don’t understand why everyone is OK with renting, then all of a sudden gets their shits in a tangle when they suddenly have to pay “rent” in the form of their SOs mortgage cause they happen to be living in the house their SO own. Newsflash, rent to a stranger is to pay their mortgage or whatever too. Wouldn’t you *rather* pay and help out your own SO, especially if you really see a future with him, than a stranger? If said future works out, this “rent” is a wash and ends up secruring finaces for the both of you as a couple anyways where as rent to a stranger is really just unrecoverable money down the drain.
Pay him fair market value. Or if you want to come out ahead in the case it doesnt work out, live “rent free” and offer to pay all other utilities and bills.
ETA: And for crying out loud give the guy a break. Men just can’t seem to win when it comes to their kids. They put them first, people are like like OH noooo, he did everything for his kids?? Are you sure you’re really in the picture too?? They DONT put them first and everyone is screaming DEADBEAT! Run, a “real” man should be putting his kids first. Lose lose.
Post # 14
Whether he owns or rents is somewhat irrelevant…the fact of the matter is – you would have to pay rent ANYWHERE you live…my fiance lives with me and he contributes 50/50 to our living expenses – basically, I figured the average my house costs to run each month and split it (rent/utilities)…it isn’t down to the penny each month, but that’s ok with both of us.
If a boyfriend told me he would put money into a “savings account” to help match a downpayment down the road, that would set off HUGE red flags for me…plus, if things didn’t work out, that would mean I just paid his living expenses (rent) while he accumulated a nice little nest egg?…yeah, no
As others have said, if he is ok with that, then that is fine, but if the roles were reversed, I would not be ok with that…I foolishly did that when I was younger and still regret it!
Post # 15
Sorry, but rent is rent regardless of whose name it’s under. You can’t say it’s worth moving for him and then say it’s not worth it to pay a fair share in rent if your salary allows you to. His children should be his number one priority and if that’s a huge decision for the home he chose…then he was right to do so. That comes with the package you’re choosing.
My fiancé bought his first home. It’s in his name. I’ve paid 50% of everything since day one. I did not want the home in my name until we were married. I also knew I would never feel bad about it because anywhere else I would of been paying rent to someone. If we stayed together then I know the home will be in both our names once that day comes. It’s not a huge issue to me.
So, I’m sorry…but I think feeling like you should be entitled to paying less is a far reach. I think 50% is fair if this is truly the relationship you want to pursue and claim to be happy in. Obviously if he doesn’t want you to pay as much…then that’s his choice. However, I would never ask or expect to pay less than what’s even on your mortgage and utilities.