(Closed) What to respond *rantish*

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 17
Member
6432 posts
Bee Keeper

@AutumnBella:  Try being 26 and childfree by choice…

I get a LOT of flack for not wanting children; even from people who are practically strangers. In my case, because I don’t want them ever, I tend to end up resorting to shock tactics to shut them up; for example, informing them that as soon as I have a spare couple £k knocking about I’ll be getting my tubes ties, or, my favourite, ‘You know that new baby smell everyone talks about? [watch them go all gooey]. Yeah, I can smell that too, and it makes me feel physically sick, it’s gross.’ Generally, this works, though not always.

Obviously this isn’t really an option for you as you do want them eventually. In which case, I would simply say that you’d rather they kept their comments to themselves, and that you feel uncomfortable discussing your sex life with them. If they persist, change the conversation. If they still persist, leave the room.

It got to the stage with one of OH’s friends where I basically told him that if he wouldn’t keep his opinions to himself, I didn’t want anything to do with him, and meant it; he’s kept schtum on the subject since then. I refuse to tolerate rudeness, I will not put up with it, at all.

Post # 18
Member
6432 posts
Bee Keeper

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@crayfish:  I disagree. I am perfectly mature, but being subjected to CONSTANT digs and criticism over our CHOICE not to reproduce gets wearing, and unfortunately, a lot of people don’t respect boundaries, and don’t know when to stop. I’ve been in situations where I have repeated over and over that I don’t want to discuss it and they will not let it drop; so, I typically resort to shock tactics, or, I attack them back (OH’s persistent friend was going on and on about how it’s our ‘duty’ to have children because we’re intelligent, and that people like him shouldn’t have children; in the end, I said ‘Well why DID you have a child then? Your argument is simply one against YOU breeding, not FOR us to breed.’). Often, this results in offending them; I don’t care, but can see why someone might not want to massively offend their future in-laws.

Post # 19
Member
4499 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry to tell you, but… get used to it. Once you get married, everyone’s going to be asking you when you’re having kids. God forbid you have trouble conceiving, because this line of questioning will become all the more difficult to deal with. I wish I could tell you an easy, polite way to get people off your back, but I don’t really know any! Just be vague and change the topic.

Post # 20
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

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@crayfish:  “If you’re mature enough to get married, you are mature enough to set healthy boundaries with your family about what is ok to discuss regarding your relationship.” 

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@stillme:  “I’m sorry to tell you, but… get used to it. Once you get married, everyone’s going to be asking you when you’re having kids.

+1 to both.

Post # 21
Member
2266 posts
Buzzing bee

@AutumnBella:  I get that one a lot. 

How about this:

“We’re getting married!”
“Wow congrats! But you’re so young..”
“Uh. thank you!”
“So when are you having kids?”
“Oh but I thought ‘we’re so young!'”

TAKE THAT!

I get this one:

You’re so young to get married! Why the rush?

and

A 2 year long engagement? Why wait so long? 

Wat. 

Post # 22
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@AutumnBella:  No.  You absolutely do not explain your reproductive schedule to anyone.  You don’t owe then an answer, let alone a rationalization that they will only take as an invitation to make even more rude, intrusive comments about your life. 

For whatever its worth – ALL young married couples get this.  Why people don’t know any better is beyond me. 

For most people you can simply ignore their statements/questions by not acknowledging them at all and just changing the subject.  Or you can reply:

“Why do you ask?”

“Its so kind of you to take an interest.”  (said cooly)

Or, “Our reproductive plans are really just between my husband and I.  I’m sure you understand.”

As for your Future Father-In-Law, your Fiance needs to have a word with him and tell him to back off. That if/when you have news to share – you’ll let him know.  Until then, the matter is closed to discussion or inquiry. 

Post # 23
Member
3274 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I know what you mean. Future Mother-In-Law is telling me what age I should have kids. Um I will kids when FH and I chose to and God allows us to. I don’t think anyone has a right to tell someone when or when not to have children, that’s a pretty personal decision. My mom used to joke about waiting a longggg time before she should be a grandma, but now that the wedding is approaching she says she fine with it whenever it happens which is what she should say. Ugh, I just hate when other people are all up in everyone’s business! Sorry for the rant lol (and I’m 20 as well)

Post # 24
Member
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@barbie86:  +1.  I think its highly offensive for people to just assume you want kids – let alone tell you you’re wrong / will change you mind / they know what’s better for you than you do – if they find out you don’t!

 

Post # 25
Member
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@AutumnBella:  

My husband is almost 27 and I’m 22 and we’re getting this from EVERYONE! Very annoying. Neither of us want children in the forseeable future, so we just tell people we don’t want kids. 

I also can’t believe how many times I was asked if our wedding was a shotgun wedding. A couple people didn’t believe I WASN’T pregnant since we got married so quickly ๐Ÿ˜

Post # 26
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh man. We’ve been married about 18 months and it does not stop. We’re not TTC and don’t plan to for a while, but I love to tell people (very sweetly) that we’re “practicing”. ๐Ÿ˜‰

But, last time someone started with the baby questions, I responded with “how do you know we’re not trying?” And they kind of stuttered. So I informed them that many couples struggle to have kids and they should be more sensitive about the questions they ask, because many couples have trouble getting and staying pregnant.

 

Post # 30
Member
1090 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

When you graduate high school and are heading to college, the question is: “What are you majoring in?” 

When you are graduating college the new question becomes, “So have you found a job yet?” 

In my instance, I am in medical school and the number one question I get is: “So what are you specializing in?” 

When you are engaged it’s, “When’s the wedding?” 

When you are married it’s, “When are you having kids?” 

When you are pregnant it’s, “When are you due? Is it a boy or a girl?”  

I’m sure after the first kid, the “When are you going to have another kid?” questions will start. 

All just the run-of-the-mill “normal” questions that people always ask like it’s a reflex or something.  Lucky for us, we avoided the “When are you having kids” questions for the most part since we got pregnant pretty soon after the wedding. But of course with that I am sure we are severely judged since we are pretty young and I am still in medical school–I think most people assumed we would wait until I was finished with school to have kids. HA! Showed them. ๐Ÿ˜› 

I wouldn’t let it get to you too much, people just suck and everyone has an opinion on everything. Since you plan on waiting a while to have kids, expect to get this question A LOT more, especially after you get married.  After a few years it will probably will turn into “Are you going to have kids already?!” vs. the “When are you going to have kids.”  

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