Post # 1
Hi bees! Regular here going undercover (since my usual username is associated with my Instagram account) to seek some advice. Hold onto your butts, cuz it’s a long one…
For the sake of this story, we’ll call my bridesmaid Josie. Josie and I have been close friends for almost ten years, and used to work together (at 17). We both had boyfriends: I broke up with mine, she ended up marrying hers in a quickie Vegas ceremony and having a child. We’d drift apart for a while, but always manage to be able to pick things up right where we left off and catch up. It’s an amazing friendship, and she’s truly a wonderful person. Recently, however, she and her now-husband have been on the rocks; he went on rampant cheating sprees, and was just generally shitty to her. They’re no longer living together and she’s summoning up the courage to file for divorce and child support (she’s still working at the place we worked at 17, so the legal fees are really intimidating for her).
When I got engaged about five months ago, I naturally asked her to be a bridesmaid. She seemed to be genuinely happy and accepted immediately. Fiance and I have a very active social life with all of his friends (who have all coupled up) and his brothers, and I started inviting Josie to join us for our outings. Somehow or another, she and FI’s younger brother (the best man) ended up hooking up multiple times; he wasn’t explicit about just wanting to have fun and she started to get attached. It led to a rather messy falling out, but things appear to have smoothed over for the most part (aside from mild awkwardness here and there).
My question is this: I’m currently away at grad school for a semester, and have been pretty overwhelmed with all my studies as of late. Josie messaged me on Facebook the other night with an extremely long message, detailing how jealous she was that Fiance and I are so in love, getting married in a big ceremony, and that I’m off “doing something with my life”. I haven’t “seen” the message on Facebook yet, and didn’t want to just put down a half-assed response in the middle of the giant mountain of homework I’m doing, because I can empathize with her feelings and feel she deserves the proper time and thought.
While I admire her willingness to be so open, I’m just not sure how to respond. Fellow bees, how did you approach a similar situation (if you’ve had one) or how would you if you encountered one?
Post # 2
I wouldn’t respond on Facebook. I’d respond by calling my friend. I’d ask how I could support her while she goes through with the divorce, etc etc.
Post # 3
Her feelings are valid and it takes a lot of courage to come out and be honest like that. Talk to her on the phone if you can; it’s hard to have a personal conversation on Facebook message or text. Tell her that first and most importantly, you don’t want those feelings to come between you as friends. Then just let her talk and ask her what kinds of things you may be able to help with. For example, there may be some fee or low-cost ways to file for child support, so offer to help her research.
It’s difficult feeling like people are moving forward in life while you fall behind. Don’t treat her like you pity her, because no one likes being pitied. Just help her to find her confidence and help empower her.
Post # 4
weatherbug : Horseradish :
I definitely want to call her on the phone. The only part of it is due to the time difference, whenever I’m free, she’s not (and vice versa). We’ve had to explicitly clear time for our last few calls; would it be appropriate to do the same for this? I don’t want her to feel like I’m blowing her off at all. 🙁
Post # 5
If you really read your post…
detailing how jealous she was that Fiance and I are so in love, getting married in a big ceremony, and that I’m off “doing something with my life”.
…that’s really a compliment. It’s true right? Realize she’s in a tough place in her life and you are in a great place. Being supportive as a friend, is especially important when the other is down. I’m sure she’s happy for you if she is truly a great friend but might not understand why she hasn’t had the same outcome. Be patient and try and see the glass half full. I’m sure it will all be fine soon enough, as she finds someone to truly love her.
Post # 6
bibbitybobbitybyefelecia : Just be honest, as she has been with you. Tell her you are busy and would love to have a nice long talk soon. Her heart seems to be in the right place, I hope she finds her way soon.
Post # 7
Not everyone goes through the same things in life at the same time. She had her marriage, child, etc., and now it’s your turn. It’s how the world goes. She’s obviously in a rough spot right now, probably feeling defeated that she’ll never have a great relationship again.
i would call her, and just be there for her. Listen to her concerns. She probably just needs to vent. Remind her that she’s still beautiful, and won’t have any trouble finding a man (like FIs bro) when (or if) she ever wants to in the future – but don’t rush it. She’s just getting over a rough relationship – she needs time to grieve it before moving on.
The best advice is to just be there for her. You don’t have to say much – just listen. It’s great that she’s open to telling you how she feels. Don’t get defensive or angry – just let her get it out.
Post # 8
I feel you on that, I work awful hours on night shift and have a h ard time. Schedule your phone calls. I’d write a blurb about how you hear her concerns and want to discuss them further but feel an in person conversation would be more conducive to helping
Post # 9
Well you’ve managed to find time to start a new thread and a post with responses so you might be able to find time to be a communicative friend to your girlfriend. She’s in a low spot and you are givving her the feeling you don’t have time for her because of your life. I think your thread shows you might be able to find a minute to see how she’s doing and if she’d like to talk.
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2017 - Wedgewood Tower Club
She said she’s in grad school and when she was free, her friend usually wasn’t due to a time difference. Maybe the friend was working when she posted…
Post # 11
I would send her a quick fb message telling her that you love her but would really love to talk on the phone with her about her message.
She is obviously in a crap place at the moment. You need to build her up and help her find her way through it all. Maybe help her in finding a way into further education and just being supportive in general and being an ear on the days that she feels shitty. You sound like a great friend and she seems like s good one too. You are both very lucky to find friendship like that.
Post # 12
I think you answered your own question, just schedule a time to talk with her & let her know how much you care about her. It actually doesn’t necessarily sound like she’s trying to start drama, it sounds like she just really could use a friend.