Post # 1
I got an RSVP from a friend who I thought for sure would not miss my wedding. I told her our wedding date as soon as we booked our venue (over a year ago). And told her to save the date! And she gave every indication she wouldn’t miss it. We’ve talked about the wedding since then.
I got her RSVP back the other day. She declined, and wrote on it an excuse. I won’t say what since it is too specific. But it is something that she could have planned on a different date if she really cared (this is something she planned recently – only within the past couple months).
I haven’t seen her in a couple years (we live about 2 hours apart), but I thought we were good friends. We were college roommates. Since college ended she has become increasingly flakey… I feel like this might be the finale to our friendship… like she is bowing out.
It hurts because I went way out of my way to make it to her wedding. Was generous with my wedding gift. Within the past couple months when she and her husband had a baby, I sent her box full of baby gifts and even a gift just for her – bubble bath and awesome face care stuff. Spent well around $100. Told her I couldn’t wait to meet her baby.
She has become standoff-ish with me – for no reason! Like she can’t be bothered. Is it because I’m so nice to her and go out of my way for her, that she doesn’t want to feel obligated to put in the same effort I do? I don’t know?! It’s been 2 years since I have seen her, I would think she would like to see me again, and what better excuse than my wedding? Guess not 🙁
Our wedding is mostly family. Only a few close friends invited. And she was going to be one of those. :/
Anyways, so what would you say to her? Sorry you can’t make it? She was a little vague in her excuse… should I ignore it? Show interest? Ask about it?
I’m really disappointed, but still want to be gracious.
Post # 3
I think the topic has been resolved (invitation declined & even a reason given). I would not bring up this topic again. Talk to her normally about other things. If the friendship seems chronically one-sided, stop contacting her.
Post # 4
@serafina45: I have a friend who was supposed to my come to my DW (she lives in OH, wedding is in FL). She got married in the fall and I was in her wedding party. probably spent like $500. Since her wedding, she barely talks to me. Her husband makes good money, but she has a crappy job. She and her husband could have stayed at the house my dad rented (for like 1,700), if they just chipped in a few hundred (for a whole week). Well, first, they were both for sure coming, then her husband wasn’t going to be able to get off work, but she would come, then she isn’t even coming. I’ve pretty much given up on our friendship. If she had straight up said she wouldn’t come, I would have been sad but been like ok. It really bothers me that its less than a month from the wedding and I just found out she’s not coming. If you guys have’nt seen each other in two years, I would just stop trying. Its not like your not friends, but you need to stop being the only one putting in an effort.
Post # 5
@swisea01: I’m sorry you’re on shaky ground with your friend too.
@joya_aspera: I think if I didn’t respond at all it would give off bad vibes.
Post # 6
“I’m sorry you won’t be able to attend the wedding. I was looking forward to seeing you again.We hope to see you soon.”
Post # 7
She just had a baby. I’d let it go and try not to feel hurt by it, as I’m sure it wasn’t her intention. We had a couple of guests send us wedding gifts who were unable to attend the wedding (who prev said they were looking forward to it). I wrote a thank you saying “we’re sad to hear you won’t be able to attend the wedding, you presence will be missed” sort of thing.
Post # 8
@serafina45: I feel you! I may have a friend like that. She was one of my closest friends in our group back in college. A couple of years back, she missed one of our friend’s wedding because she learned that one of the flower girls had chicken pox weeks before the wedding. She said she might contract if even if she already had the vaccine. She’s been very flakey too ever since, often skipping events or when me and my friends go out. And she either has vage excuses or simply does not respond.
I sent my invites a year ago since our wedding will be overseas. While our other friends have already saved up and immediately discussed how they could share accomodations, she immediately declined saying that she “might” be doing this important work thing by that time so she didn’t want to commit. I’m really disappointed but I simply told her, “That’s really unfortunate but should you change your mind, let me know.”
Agree with @joya_aspera that you don’t need to respond but if you feel that you should, keep it simple.
Post # 9
@serafina45: I definitely wouldnt contact her. If it wwas me, I would just stop contacting her all together. It sounds like you have been more than a decent friend and you deserve to be treated as such. If she wants a friendship she will seek you out. Until then, sayonara.
Post # 10
Thanks for your input everyone. I decided to email her and I said I was sorry she couldn’t make it and that we would miss her. I did ask about her planned thing. Just to end it on some postive note and show that I’m not disgruntled about it.
Post # 11
Her last email came off vague and standoffish. I guess this is it. I don’t expect to hear from her very much in the future. Oh well :/
Post # 12
The sad fact is that people and circumstances change over time. It’s not like you did something wrong. Unfortunately it is not until circumstances like weddings that one finds out how much things have changed.
I find as time goes on, the list of people I consider friends gets smaller and smaller, as my circle of acquaintances gets increasingly larger.
Post # 13
I agree with trueblue14, I found that my list of close friends got much smaller as we started wedding planning. We got tons of declines back from people we were absolutely certain were coming and some of them had extremely lame excuses. I guess we’re just going to have a more intimate wedding than we planned on.
Post # 14
I would tell her how you feel. This could just be a lack of communication. With your email, she thinks everything is “fine”. But, I understand it’s hard to put yourself in a vunerable situation…
Post # 15
@serafina45: I had a similar situation though I didn’t get a RSVP. I left it as I think you should as like a PP said, invite sent, response received.
Post # 16
@serafina45: Some people just don’t put themselves out for others or make the effort for anyone but themselves. Maybe she is feeling knackered with the baby etc and just can’t imagine summoning the energy. She may not be looking at it from your point of view at all.
I have some friends like this (not my closest circle because I won’t let them be once I find out what they are like). Like you, I think it completely reasonable to expect that your friend comes to your wedding (would want to!), particularly as you spent so much time and energy being in hers. But maybe she hasn’t even considered this and just doesn’t want to. Or you may have unwittingly done something to upset her and she’s being petty. Maybe she has post-natal depression. Point is you can’t know and she has given you an excuse, so not much you can do.
One of my close friends had a baby 4 months ago and she’s always been fab at staying in touch. Since the baby was born I’ve only spoken to her twice (we’ve emailed though) and both times she’s been called away because the baby is crying. She literally does not get any time away from him right now. Having a shower on her own is a major triumph. It’s all-consuming!
I would go to great effort to make the wedding of a close friend and would feel bad if I couldn’t. But I also know there are plenty out there who are self-absorbed and only really care about themsevles/immediate family. There’s nought as queer as folks as they say!