Post # 1
I’ve been working with “Elle” for about two years. I started working with her six months or so before Fiance and I got engaged, so I was definitely waiting. It was hard, waiting always is!
Now Elle is in the hardcore waiting phase and is driving me nuts–not because she’s venting to me about waiting but because she makes all these remarks about how I acted. For Fiance and I, we agreed the ring shopping together was how we wanted to proceed, we had several discussions together about getting engaged, etc.
Elle is venting about waiting and I’m listening, but she always ends it with a snide remark about “Well, I’m not going to be like you and tell him what ring I want!” or something similar. I want to be supportive but it’s so annoying to put up with her little jabs.
She’s been with her boyfriend on and off for six years and refuses to have any discussions with him about marriage, because that’s too forward and she doesn’t want to push him, like she says I pushed my Fiance.
What would you say in this situation? I know waiting is frustrating and emotional, but I can’t be a punching bag.
Post # 3
That’s not very nice of her to say that stuff to you. I think you should say to her that you understand that it’s hard to wait but that her comments are not nice and that everyone is different and to stop commenting on your relationship which is none of her business. If she doesn’t know your Fiance I think you can throw that in there too, how on earth would she know if he felt pushed or not? Quite rude thign to say if you ask me…
If she’s a perosn that gets upset easilly and the honest approach wouldn’t work you can try and say something in a jokey way back to her to point out she’s being silly. If she says you push him then you could maybe say something like “being honest and open in a relationship is not “pushing” someone, it’s realising that your bf is not a mindreader but hey maybe Yours is”. Okay I know that sounds a bit bitchy (no offense but your co-worker does by the judge of her comments) but you get the jist of what I mean I hope.
Either way don’t take that crap. It seems like she’s desperately waiting and is probably upset and doesn’t know what to do other than to put someone else down but deep down inside she’s probably just jelaous of you. Either way that doesn’t justify her treating you like this. Hope this helps and good luck 🙂
Post # 4
Just politely tell her that since your situations are/were so different to getting engaged, you cannot possibly advise her. Tell her you have tried to tell her what works best for you, it is clear she doesn’t think the same way.
Smile, tell her you hope that it happens soon for her, and don’t bring up weddings/proposals etc again. If she brings it up, just say you cannot possibly comment, as above – and just keep going through the cycle.
Eventually she will realise your not going to provide any more advice, and hopefully vent to somebody else (and by the sounds of it she won’t take advice from anyone!)
Hope that helps – you just have to detach yourself (in a nice, but also firm way)
Good luck! x
Post # 5
In reality I would have made some snide remark to her right back. It’s annoying when people judge your relationship so I would just keep hinting that since the situation is so different you wouldn’t be much help in terms of giving advice.
Post # 6
Thanks for the advice. I think I may shut her down with a snide remark back. I hate to be rude to her, because other than this, we get along quite well. I think it’s just getting worse because the wedding is getting so close and there have been showers and parties and stuff at work and after work with our work friends.
But still. It’s so frustrating!
Post # 7
sounds to me that she makes comments like that as a defense mechanism. I’m not trying to excuse her rudeness but she’s probably just trying to feel better about her situation by seperating it from yours.
plus she might feel somewhat “threatened” by how you guys got engaged, by picking out rings and talking about it where she and her boyfriend are not as vocal about it.
just my two cents…
Post # 8
Wow I agree with some of the PP that she might be feeling stressed that she isn’t engaged but she really is taking it out the wrong way. Are the two of you friends outside of work? Maybe you could take her to do something that would destress her and get her mind off getting engaged. I know when I was waiting, seeing people get engaged or talk about their happy relationships really annoyed and upset me.
Post # 9
It sounds like she is stressed and jealous. Maybe she wishes she could talk to her Boyfriend or Best Friend like you did but can’t for whatever reason. I don’t think I would be snide back simply because you work together and have to see her every day. Plus, she might be super-sensitive about it. I would just calmly say that you approached your proposal in the way you thought best/wanted to and she is free to do the same but just becuase you did it differently doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it.
Post # 10
It definately sounds like she is jealous and her inability to talk about this with her boyfriend means that she thinks she can just take her frustration out on you!
I have a friend who refuses to talk with her boyfriend about marriage – theyve been together 10 years and we know they both want to get married because theyve told us seperately. they just cant have the mature conversation together. Now her big thing is that she ‘doesnt want to get married’. And of course t hat comes with snide remarks about ‘well you may want to get married but we don’t need to because…’
Really, it is just jealousy and insecurity because she may never get what she wants from this boy and you just need to shut her down with a few snide remarks and a reminder that eveyone is different.
Post # 11
@apex: I wouldn’t shut her down with a snide remark for your own sake. You have to work with her every day, so you don’t want things feeling any more awkward than they already are.
I really like PPs’ advice to tell her your situations are so different you can’t even begin to compare them, so you would appreciate if she wouldn’t put you down in the process of venting.
Post # 12
@clara03: say something like “being honest and open in a relationship is not “pushing” someone, it’s realising that your bf is not a mindreader but hey maybe Yours is”.
This would be my approach.
Post # 13
I would be so tempted to say something snide like, “Well it obviously worked for me,” but that would probably escalate the situation.
A lot of guys need to hear it from girls that marriage is what they want, otherwise they might not really think about it. It doesn’t sound like you were being pushy, just expressing what you want, which is important in relationships.
I would just say something like, “I know waiting sucks and I’m sorry it’s taking so long, but what worked for me was just talking to my fiancé and talking about what we wanted. Looking at rings was fun for us and I know it’s not for everyone, everyone’s relationships are different. I’m not sure what advice to give you, as I only have my own experience, but I’m here to listen to you if you need it as long as we talk about your relationship without trying to compare it to mine because we’re different people and I feel bad when you talk about me being pushy with my fiancé because that’s now how my fiancé or I see it.” Or something along those lines.
Post # 14
Seriously, how do people decided to spend the *rest of your life* together without actually talking about spending the rest of your life together?!?!
Post # 15
She’s out of line. I would defintely call her out on it just like @clara03: suggested. Urghh,,, I really hate females like this.