Post # 1
So, I will be moving in with my bf (hopefully soon to be fiance) this summer. We have lived an hour and a half apart most of our relationship so this will be a shock a) to be in the same city again and b) because we will be living together
Does anyone have any advice as to what things we should talk about before the big move, and any advice in general about the situation.
He owns the house I will be moving into, and he has a full time job as an engineer. I on the other hand will be in graduate school and working at Starbucks part time… a little bit of a difference money wise. Any ideas about splitting finances? I suggested that he pays the morgage and I pay for groceries and utilities.
Post # 3
I would definitely get as much of the money talk done up front – before you move in. You don’t want to grow to resent each other, or fight, because you aren’t on the same page when it comes to bills. Some questions that I would want to discuss would be: Do you both pay bills on-time/late/early? Are you ok with the other’s time-frame and style of paying bills? (For instance, it drives my Fiance nuts that I write checks out to pay each of my bills instead of online banking like he does).
Some other things to think about/discuss (in my opinion) would be (and some of these may be silly, but they have been sources of contention and/or needed to be discussed in my relationship, so I help by passing along, it helps you):
– Do either of you have a preference about general decorating and/or holiday decorations?
– How will control of the TV work?
– When to eat out vs. when to eat-in vs. who cooks vs. who cleans
– How often does each person think the sheets need to be changed and towels changed? Who will be responsible for this?
– Who cleans the bathrooms?
Post # 4
Oh I totally agree please talk about finances and household chores before you move in together! I have been with my Fiance for 2 years and we moved in together 5 months ago and boy do I wish we talked about these things because we definitely had some arguments that didnt have to happen if we just figured out how to communicate better about finances. I realized that living with someone is a definite adjustment when you are used to living by yourself for so long. Good luck on your new adventure. 🙂
Post # 5
When my boyfriend and I moved in together we created a new banking account for bills, etc. When we get paid, we both put a portion of our paycheck into the account. We decided on the amount we both put in by percentages. We both make different amounts, so instead of placing the same amount of money into the account, we put the same percentage of our pay into the account. I head it from a financial advisor and thought it was a really good idea. It’s up to you guys to pick the percentage you want to put it, and when. We both have debit cards for that account and just have to make sure to keep the other informed if we make any purchases. It seems to work our pretty well and we haven’t had any problems so far in almost 2 years.
Post # 6
What suze orman suggests for finances is this:
step 1: figure out all joint expenses including things like dates and lightbulbs
step 2: figure out how much you make + how much he makes and what percentage each of those is of your total income (example: if he makes 60,000 and you make 20,000, he makes 75% and you make 25% of your total income)
step 3: split joint finances according to your percentages. so in the example above if your joint expenses are 2,000/mo then he pays 1500 and you pay 500.
other big thing to talk about: chores!
Post # 7
What the others said; chores, finances. You may also want to consider how often who both want/expect to have sex. I know, sounds awkward, but it is something to think about if you are going to be living together. Also whether or not you both like to entertain at home.
Also realize that some of the things about him that maybe you don’t care too much for, but hope or think will change when you live together, be prepared for those not to change. For example, my hubby-to-be is a messy person. Can bother me to the ends of the earth sometimes. But you know what? I knew he was messy before I moved in with him, and I knew that he really wasn’t going to change. He’s spatially-challenged, so he often doesn’t noticed stuff unless it is directly in front of him (doesn’t notice detail).
Post # 8
Before moving in with Fiance, I read this book. I thought it was VERY helpful:
Post # 9
Chores are a HUGE issue. This was definitely the main point of contention once I moved in with my bf. The biggest fight of our relationship was who does the dishes and when. I found that my bf just has a different idea of when something is dirty. For example, he would clean the bathroom once a month and I clean it once a week. So when we talked about who cleans the bathroom, frequency didn’t come up, but it proved to be a problem.
You definitely have to be able to compromise no matter what it is. Be open to how he lives/feels, but definitely say what you think. Communication is key. If there’s something that he doesn’t know about you already then you might want to bring it up if it will affect how you will live together.
Post # 10
I think the others have covered the main things but I wanted to say when unexpected things crop up and you’re wondering how to handle them, pick your battles 🙂 This was one piece of relationship advice my mother gave me and it is brilliant. If something bothers you, feel free to say something and hope it changes. If it doesn’t cjamge, you need to decide if it’s a battle you want to fight 🙂 Otherwise you’ll end up cranky all the time. It’s worth your sanity to just make the decision to not let things bother you sometimes.
Figure out who’s going to do the laundry. The first few months I lived with Darling Husband I did all of it – his clothes, my clothes, sheets, everything. I kept thinking he would do some of it. Finally one day I asked why he never did any washing and he said it was because I always beat him to it! So we reached an agreement – we each do our own clothes (that way you have no one to blame but yourself if your whites go pink or you don’t have any knickers left). Figure out the personal space thing – how big is the house, do you get to have your own room? Are you going to share a study? Can you put some of your things up/on display and take some of his down? etc.
Most of all, enjoy it! If this is your future husband I’m sure there won’t be too many surprises, it is so wonderful waking up together and going to sleep together so try not to worry too much and really take pleasure in living in sin 🙂
(That’s not a dig btw – we “lived in sin” for 7 years and I remain convinced it’s a wonderful state to be :))
Post # 11
just remember to take a step back if something is bothering you that he does!! i moved in with my Fiance when i was 18 (just a couple days before i graduated highschool) and i was really young and naive about how i thought it would just instantly work. compromise is key. one of the biggest things still for me is the morning time. i was used to getting up and getting ready in my room trying on clothes, etc. but my Fiance sleep until about 10 minutes before he has to leave and would get mad because i woke him up. and also what time you go to bed, i used to think we needed to go to bed together but he stays up so much later than i do!
i think the biggest change that happened for us, we didnt make time to do things together…we were always together, but it was because we lived together (i always say we were just roommates, not a couple) so make sure to make time for you both as a couple! another thing is friends, make sure you talk about inviting friends over, it sucks coming home thinking your going to spend time with your Boyfriend or Best Friend and all his friends are lounging on the couch!!
Post # 12
Definitely figure out who is paying what bills (everything from utilities to groceries). We split up the bills based on our income. I am a student and have very little money so I pay half of rent and groceries when I can. He pays for the utilities and the other half of rent. It works well and we don’t have to worry about whether or not the bills are getting in on time.
We also divided cleaning duties–he doesn’t mind doing the kitchen if I do the living room, etc… It sounds funny, but you should also figure out who is going to water plants (you don’t want both of you or neither of you watering them).
I thought the process was pretty easy and natural. We dated long distance before moving in together, so the weekends we would spend together in our respective cities were kind of like living together–maybe that helped.
Post # 13
Definitely discuss who does what and HOW OFTEN.
Post # 14
Talk about your general expectations – are you going to do dishes and he cooks? Will he vacuum while you clean the bathroom? Are you going to have some space for yourself if you need to get your own space for a few hours? Are you going to aim to have dinners together most nights, or will you be fending for yourself?
For R and I, it was a gradual transition. We lived separately for a year, but he ended up staying over 5 or 6 nights a week, and it got to the point where we developed the patterns naturally instead of talking about them. I have a feeling living together all of a sudden will be a bigger adjustment, but a lot of fun! Good luck.
Post # 15
i agree with what everyone has said so far! the only other thing i have to add is that the week or two surrounding moving were super stressful. we had to deal w/ getting the moving truck, packing, loading our things, unloading our things, and then unpacking. and it was all done in the heat of the summer and NOT FUN! then we had a bit of bickering about where everything went in the house. seriously– i think this was the time in our relationship where we fought the most! but once we were settled (after many compromises) everyone was happy and it’s been absolutely amazing living together! good luck to you!!
Post # 16
I also moved into his house and I wished we had talked more about how it would become “our” house. We had a great many debates over which sofa, which mattress, etc. would be used. I didn’t want to get rid of a lot of my stuff because I had (okay, have) at attachment since they are my first “adult” purchases.
I’m also a big time introvert and sometimes just need space to myself. We’ve had to learn to negotaite that and he’s becoming better at realizing when I just need some space and not to take offense that part of me loves it when he’s out of town on business.
The money and chore thing are biggies but I think they also need to be worked on. We had agreed I’d pay for groceries and him for eating out, but once we stopped eating out so much to save money, groceries became a bigger burden for me. (I also make about half of what he makes.) As for chores, I have slowly come to the realization that he just doesn’t always notice things need to get done, so I have to ask for him to do it and give him a timeline for when I want/need it to be done. His eyes just don’t see dust as well as mine I guess.