Post # 1
I have a good realationship with my Mother-In-Law, but it’s nothing great. She’s so different from my mom that I’m having a hard time getting close to her. My mom is so warm and fuzzy, and my Mother-In-Law is pretty cold. My DH isn’t super close with my mom- and he’s not pushing me to have this wonderful close relationship with his mom, but I find myself being really jealous of my friends who have such great relationships with their MIL’s.
We live 3000 miles away from my parents- so I would love to have someone here that is like a mom to me, but I just don’t see it being my Mother-In-Law. I guess I just had the visions of us shopping, getting pedicures, and having lunch together and now the more I have gotten to know her that it’s just not going to happen, and that makes me sad.
Anyone else feel like this or have suggestions?
Post # 2
I understand your disappointment. Some people just want to get along and be civil and cannot even manage that. Mothers of sons often tend to resent a new female in the son’s life. They should instead welcome her as family but not sure why so few are like that.
Post # 3
I was/am similar to you. I live very far from my family, and getting along and having a relationship with my FI’s family is very important. I was pretty close with my Future Mother-In-Law – we would go to the flea market together, I would stop by her house, help her out with things, make plans with her, etc. However, she always spoke poorly of my FSILs’s husband/boyfriend.
Her and her eldest daughter don’t talk, and she blames it entirely on her husband because he “brainwashed her.” I was always afraid she would be like that with me, so whenever she said something I disagreed with, I wouldn’t push back that hard. I took the “smile and nod” approach. Well, one day, when my Fiance and her were arguing, she blew up at me after I asked her to step outside so I can get my Fiance and they can talk outside away from my stepson. She said “you’re a nobody and mean nothing” in front of my future stepson. Imagine my disappointment when I realized I could never have a relationship with this woman… yet relief that I didn’t have to walk on eggshells anymore.
I guess what I’m trying to say is…. don’t dig for a relationship with one person if there doesn’t seem to be hope. I truly understand where you’re coming from. I feel like the only people I have within several states are my Fiance and his son. My FSILs are wonderful, but they’re so busy with their own lives… it’s not because they’re cold. Let the relationship form as it will. It could be worse.
Post # 4
Could you ask your fiance what your Mother-In-Law likes to do and reach out to her? You could try and find a common interest and see where it takes you! She might not be cold, just more shy.
Post # 5
I have been married for just under 2 months but have been with my husband for about 8 years and have known his parents for a long time and I have never felt close to his mom or anyone in his family. They are all very nice and we have a pleasant relationship but I realized a long time ago it wouldn’t be any more than what it is. It is a little dissapointing but my family is all local so I have them and I don’t really think about it. We are just very different, they are VERY different from my family and I can’t relate to them at all. Everyone that knows them says they don’t know how my husband comes from them b/c he is so different than all of them. I do see my friends that are very close with their MIL’s and I think it’s nice but am okay with it never being that way with me. I will say I worry a little that when we have children I will have to be around them more but I guess I’ll deal with that when it comes. Luckily my husband is fine with me keeping my distance at least for now.
Post # 6
If you haven’t done so already, sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Let her know that you love her son and recongize that she is an important person in his life and you hope she will appreciate what you can bring to the family.
In my last marriage (of 15 years). His mother loved me more than him! hahaha. I was honest with her and said that I knew we had differences, but loved each other and appreciated our differences. (If only I had known what type of man he really was before I married him – I might have worded differently!) I sat down and talked to her and explained that I wanted to keep her in his life as much as possible. Honestly, some of them break down and finally warm up a bit once you let them out of their shell!
Find out her interests and likes and ask to take her to do something for a girls day. This might help too.
Post # 7
I think I have the perfect relationship with my Mother-In-Law. She is supportive of everything I do, everything we do as a couple, yet she stays out of our business and doesn’t overstep her bounds like many Mother-In-Law stories I’ve heard. She and I are not “close”, but we’re friendly and get along just fine and that’s good for me.
I have never gone shopping or gotten a pedicure with my Mother-In-Law. In fact, we don’t see each other if my husband isn’t involved. But again, that’s fine with me, because I’m not all that social anyway.
Post # 8
I’ve lost both of my parents and Fiance has lost his mom. His stepdad’s wife is only 11 years older than us, so she’s like my older sister. Her and FI’s stepdad have an almost 4 year old daughter who’s like our little sister. We’re pretty close, go shopping, or just hangout and text often. We live a couple of hours away from them, but when we’re together, we get along great. I go stay with them by myself too. They, nor his real dad, are all up in our business or anything like that. Although I wish he could’ve met my parents and I met his mom, we never have to deal with the in law bullshit I see on here!
Post # 9
My future mother in law is amazing. I love my fiance’s family so much because they have always been so welcoming and they are seriously just awesome people. I know I lucked out, hearing horror stories about in laws. She is very careful not to overstep boundaries…like for example she told my fiance that she would love to come along when I went wedding dress shopping but understood if I didn’t want her there. She never asked me directly, but I heard it through my fiance and I invited her. (She has 3 boys so she won’t ever experience that with a daughter.) The first appointment I made she was unable to come, so I rescheduled in order for her to be there. I knew it was important to her. Apparently she literally told every friend she had about that gesture because I heard about it for months afterward haha.
Post # 10
Me and FH are actually hosting our wedding in my parent’s backyard in Upstate NY, so they have been a really big part of the planning process and it has brought our families much closer. I am very close with my mother and we live close to eachother. My FH’s parents live futher away, so I haven’t really had that desire to get super close with my Mother-In-Law, but I do really enjoy her company. We text often and when she is in town we always get together.
I think if you want to have a better relationship with your Mother-In-Law you should just continuing making an effort, show her how important it is to you and just be patient. The connection may not come right away, but as long as you’re open-minded you guys could end up forming a really special relationship.
Post # 11
I was fortunate enough to be my FMIL’s only daughter/daughter in law/future daughter in law that loves to cook and bake, drink wine, host parties etc. So, we’ve already bonded really well.
Find out what she likes, if she likes…cheese…ask her if she’d like to go for a cheese tasting/tour? Those type things. As she gets to know you, hopefully she’ll loosen up and she’ll love doing those things with you.
Post # 12
It’s tough when you WANT to have a relationship with your inlaw and they aren’t very interested. I think it’s just *her way* and it’s not anything personal against you. Maybe you can do things she enjoys with her? Is she into going shopping, dinners, vacations, etc..? I would try to find things that she enjoys and participating in them with her. It may let her guard down a little and you will spend more time together. If not, then at least you don’t have any major issues. You can’t force a relationship with someone that doesn’t want it. I definitely had exes whose moms never took the time to really bother with me and it hurt, but eventually you just let it go.
I luckily have an awesome relationship with my mother in law. Shes such a nice and fun person and she does everything she can for her family. From day 1 she welcomed me into the family and since then we have gone on vacations together, and spend a lot of family time together. She also gets along really well with my mom so its really nice to have them both so involved in our lives. My inlaws wanted to get out of the city and move to the suburbs now that my Father-In-Law is retired and no longer has to commute, so I found them a house down the block from our home and they are currently under contract. I know it’s unusual to have that kind of relationship, so I know I am very very lucky.
Post # 13
I really have the best Future Mother-In-Law on the planet. I think I really lucked out because I’ve heard such horror stories on here! My Future Mother-In-Law is so nice and giving. She’s helping me do a whole bunch of DIY stuff for the wedding and I’d be lost without her for this (she’s very creative and my mom and I are unfortunately just not gifted in the DIY department). Any question I ask her, she’s always happy to help. She was soooo excited when Fiance asked me to marry him. For about a year before he even proposed we’d call each other “future daughter-in-law” and “future mother-in-law.” I even invited her wedding dress shopping with me and my mom and she had nothing but positive comments about every dress I tried on. FI’s whole family is actually really awesome and they’ve treated me like a family member now ever since I’ve known them. I couldn’t ask for more!
Post # 14
Sometimes it’s the small things to gain trust. On my Fiance birthday, a few months before the wedding I sent her flowers with a card thanking her for raising such an amazing man. He still thinks I’m crazy and would come across as a brown noser. She loved the gesture, she had a rough day and appreciated the surprise. It won’t happen every year but right before the wedding it was appropriate. You could do something similar. Show respect and hopefully a friendship can blossom.
Post # 15
I probably have the worst relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law right now. If you read an older post of mine, you’d see why. We usually have this love/hate relationship but as of late it’s more of a hate one. I always wanted a close relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law especially since she is the grandmother of my kids. I grew up super close to my grandma (I only had one by the time I was born) so it was important to me to have a close and open relationship between her and the kids. But for some reason or another we are always fighting or she is always going off on me for the way I parent and I’m about tired of it. So I know how you feel about wanting a relationship with your Mother-In-Law but sometimes there’s nothing you can do if they don’t put the same effort.