(Closed) What was the biggest challenge you and your SO ever overcame together?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee

My dh and I have been married for almost 13 years. We didn’t meet until we were both over 30. He was far more ready to move the relationship to a more serious level, get engaged, etc than I was. I knew he was a great guy, but he moved WAY too fast for me….. and I just needed more time than he did. Of course, we both had had past relationships with others and we both carried some baggage from that- as we all do. 😛 Plus, I am a ‘researcher’ by nature and take more time to make big decisions (eg. a car purchase) that have nothing to do with him. It’s just who I am.

The problem was that (in my mind) Dh was pressuring me to make a decision about our future that I just wasn’t ready for. I remember getting really mad at him and saying stuff like, ‘quit pressuring me; I’m not ready’. I felt like I wanted to take more time to get to know him and to determine if this was really a good match. In his mind, he didn’t want to waste any additional time in the dating world and was prepared to move on if I wasn’t going to commit. He wanted to be free to meet others if we didn’t want the same thing.

We ended up going to counseling together for several sessions and it was really helpful. I do have to say that it wasn’t easy. There was lots of frustration on both ends. Still, we both saw one another as special and important and we managed to work through it. Here we are, 13 years and two kids later… so I have to say that I am glad that we worked out our differences. We are very happy!

Even now he tends to make important decisions more rapidly and with more comfort than I do… but we’ve gotten used to each others’ style and there is respect for our differences.

Post # 3
Member
9462 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

3 years of long distance while I was a psycho law student and he was an overworked and underpaid PhD candidate.

Post # 4
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Legare Waring House

DH and I were long distance from November of 2010 to December of 2013, both going through school, and he had some issues adjusting back to civilian life. We dated for 8 months before we got engaged, and had a 3 year engagement, planning a wedding in a third place! 

When I finally did move to be with him, got a job, etc., his job moved us again 6 months later, 3 months before our wedding. <br /><br />I will say that open and honest conversation, NO passive aggressive behavior, and a willingness to just walk away and let each other cool off (or hang up the phone in some cases), were definitely the keys to success. Being able to vent to him about him rather than my friends or sister about him (and vice versa) allowed us to resolve any issues before they became a problem. Oh, and TRUST. I can imagine that would apply in your situation too. Make sure he knows that you’re not going anywhere, and that you two are in this together, even if there is a physical divide – different than ours was, but physical nonetheless.

Post # 5
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I feel like my fiancé and I have been through it all. Two deployments within 6 months of each other, long distance from the very start, loss of libido due to BC which put a strain on our sex life, etc. Honestly, he’s just the best. Peolple ask me how I deal with deployments/the military and I’m just like… I found the person I want to spend my life with, and I don’t care how far he is, nothing changes how I feel. 

 

I dont know how to explain “how” we did it or continue to do it (he’s currently deployed, and I’m still struggling with hormonal things that affect not only my sex drive but my emotional state), I just know that our relationship is worth it to me. Journaling has helped with me in the past work through times that were tough. Also, I always find that my fiancé has a magical way of making me feel better about things. 

As im sure you know, communication is so important. I wish you all the best. 

Post # 6
Member
1552 posts
Bumble bee

I can’t really think of anything that has ever challenged us…to be honest, it’s all been very smooth. He did support me while I lived with him during my last semester of nursing school, but it didn’t cause any conflict. I wouldn’t have let him do it if I wasn’t sure I would get a good job after I graduated, which I did. I’m sure there will be arguments and whatnot to come, but so far it’s only been the occasional bickering that is always resolved when we talk it out.

Post # 7
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

This is so inspiring.

I guess the hardest thing was when we moved in together and his mother did everything she could to stop us in a very typical passive aggressive way. Like saying she would buy us a home/aircondition/fridge/bed/you name it and then accusing us to other people of asking these things and crying and saying that we should help her because her life is so difficult (you know, just bought a second Mercedes and a photoboltaic park, took a trip to Venice and Vienna). On Christmas day she called us to find her a plumber and when we couldn’t find one because it was Christmas she cried and accused US because she “was too busy” to find a plumber for her own home.

The problem is that SO has grown up with this woman and doesn’t always see what she’s doing and that makes me crazy. Like for the plumber thing, he actually apologized to her and went over there and fixed it and payed for it himself. I get upset and it’s so draining, but we talk about it and I think he gets it sometimes, at least theoretically, because it’s difficult to break patterns that were around since you were born. Anyway I love him and we’re very happy together and I am confident we’ll work it through.

Post # 8
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Dh being laid off from his job.

Post # 9
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Losing a child, before birth.  Us living with his mom for 6 months.  Me failing out of nursing school (around the time of losing said child), then going back and completing it (threw plans off 1 year).  His sister getting pregnant and us being extremely jealous because she didn’t even want a child (we realized that God had a bigger plan for us so we moved on and were happy for her).  My jealousy while in college.  His not trusting me in college which lead to me not trusting him.  Long distance (our colleges were 2hrs apart).  The momma’s boy syndrome (he had to snip that cord and snip it quick). Him not putting me first…which goes along with the momma’s boy syndrome…….It came down to a show down between myself and his mother to where it was a “Me or her” ultimatum.  I told him I didn’t want him to have to choose between us, but my needs come before his mother’s wants. Point, Blank, Period. I would never take him from her or tell him that he can’t do for her, but her attempting to control his life had to be stopped.  In no way was she going to control my house, I don’t play that shit.  We have happily worked through all of our problems.We are doing great in premarital counseling. 

Post # 10
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
westcoastkate: I just want to let you know with the right person you CAN get thru anything. My relationship started with full knowledge of an issue that make a number of marriages fall apart. I am severely ill. I have a chronic disease that has taken over my life for several years now. I was into my first year of treatment when I met my SO. This disease has been very hard as it prevents me from working/going to school/having any type of life. My guy has been amazing.  Even in my hellish reality he has been able to make me feel like I was living a fairytale that’s how happy he makes me. 

Communication really is key. You have to stay honest and to the point. Remember what really matters. We have been thru so much together. On top of our already tough situation we got thru him being insanely busy (works full time & is a full time student& has his own apartment so all those fun responsibilities& has his dad living with him) We also got thru his brother being absolutely terrible to me and him when he lived in my SO’s apartment as well. We’ve been together for a year and 8 months and have gone thru sooo much shit that tears a lot of people apart but WE MADE IT

No one wants to go thru tough times but they have made my relationship with my SO (future fiance actually! ) incredibly strong. We have grown together so much and even tho those times were/are shitty it gets better. It really does. My SO is graduating college next year. I hopefully will have my disease go into remission by the end of next year too. We will then get married a year after that. I am so happy that our hard work is paying off.

So stay strong! Be each other’s best support. Cry together. Laugh together. Freak out together. Just be together thru the hard times. I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 11
Member
235 posts
Helper bee

His deployment.

There was a huge disconnect after he got back, but we got through it. I don’t think we would have had we not sought counseling.

Post # 12
Member
325 posts
Helper bee

I would say him working nights, with overtime, at the hospital while I was working multiple day jobs. We lived together but there would be five or six days at a time that I wouldn’t see him, with little time to even talk on the phone because one person was always working. It was awful, but always always worth it.

Post # 13
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Contemporary Art Center of Peoria

Lord, lots of ups and downs. We’d been dating for a month when his ex said she was pregnant. (Turns out she was lying to get him back.) We ended up moving in together after 1.5 years of dating, a little too early, at 21 and 22, because of a rocky relationship with his dad, and his inability to afford rent on his own. Then we worked opposite schedules, him 1st shift and me 2nd. Only saw each other from 1130pm-5am, that was rough and thankfully didn’t last too terribly long. 

EDIT: I forgot to mention his mother, she has severe mental illnesses. I’ve only met her twice, but it is such a hard situation for him. 

Right now we’re struggling with the financial aspect of wedding planning, I make more than him, but he has less bills so he has more “free” money. Also in the 5 years we’ve been together we’ve each gained 50lbs, and now we’re struggling to get it off before the wedding. I’m sure we have much more coming our way, but we’ve made it this far with a bit of grace, and I have faith we’ll be great. 🙂 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 5 months ago by  MissCoupon.
Post # 14
Member
27 posts
Newbee

I would have to say his parents being crazy monster in laws for the first few years we were together. SO is very close with his family and often went to his parents for advice on just about anything, so when they decided they didn’t like me, I guess they decided it was their right to get involved. They talked negatively about me to him when I wasn’t around and tried to break us up by making things up and accusing me of doing things I didn’t do. After several years together we moved a 10 hour drive away (partly to get some distance from them)… a few months after we moved, his dad and brother came to visit. His dad was a bit of an alcoholic back then and was consistently drinking the whole time. One night, he decided to attack me verbally. Said I was a gold digger, that I was useless, didn’t pull my own weight, that my SO is too good for me. He also tried to say their entire family felt that way and that even his brother agreed (which wasn’t true). SO and his brother ended up kicking their dad out, making him sleep in his truck for the night. The next day when his dad and brother left to go back home, SO wrote his mother a letter (so they couldn’t argue) and told them they couldn’t treat me like that and that if they couldn’t accept our relationship then he wasn’t interested in speaking to them anymore. Months later, he finally spoke to them again and after much talking his parents realized they were actually taking their frustrations and anger with each other and projecting them onto me. Our relationship with them has been great ever since and we actually enjoy spending time together now. 

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