(Closed) What was the downfall?

posted 9 years ago in Encore
Post # 34
Member
1934 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

First time – I found out on our one year wedding anniversary that he had stolen our entire savings.  I mean 10’s of thousands.  He also was stealing from my parents.  We were young when we got married (I was 22, he was 23), but had been dating for 5 years.  He refused to seek counseling, then told me he never wanted to have children and had just told me that because it’s “what I wanted to hear”. That was the end of that.

My second time around – It was much less cut and dry.  I had known him for years, all through high school, and his brother had been a friend of mine since grade school.  We had problems, but nothing that you couldn’t really get through…..except for his complete lack of refusal to do so.  We attended counseling, but he wouldn’t do any of the real “work” outside of the therapists office.  We tried to make it work for almost a year after this, when he basically decided that he didn’t want to bother anymore.  His ambitions in life and motivations changed, and he became reclusive.  The therapist recommended that he work on “himself” and come in for some private therapy, which he wouldn’t do.  He eventually stopped going altogether.  At this point, I found out he had been lying about looking for a job (I was the bread winner) and instead he had been staying up late to play computer games, instead of job hunting.  This devastated me….after the first marriage, I just could not (and still can’t) accept lying.  Especially lying that involved our future, and that went on for more than 6 months!  I honestly feel bad about it, even writing this now, because he really was (and still is) a good person, but I just couldn’t handle a one sided relationship and commitment.

I don’t particularly have any advice, other than to appreciate your husband for who he is. Tell each other “I love you” and mean it.  Never go to bed angry.  If there’s something on your mind, talk about it…don’t let it stew.  Don’t keep secrets.  And mostly, be best friends….

sorry if that was really long!

Post # 36
Member
7982 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@retreadbride – Female.  Great question ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 37
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

we were 23 when we got married, still married 18 years later.  still happy and planning our vow renewal.

he is still my best friend.  we pick and choose our fights.  patience is key. 

if first married at 18, divorced by the time i was 19.  plain and simple he was an ass hahah…  he really was, and still is… and his new wife, ugh! wont discuss her, but we have a daughter together so I am bound with him forever.

I am thankful and happy to have been married for so long, and with any luck we will be married for 18 more years:)  I feel blessed!

Ronney

Post # 38
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Make your marriage first in your life, before kids, family, friends and work.  Treat each other with great care, and never miss an opportunity to let him/her know that you love them and appreciate them.  Never take things for granted.  Kiss at every opportunity.  Hold hands.  Never forget that what you have is more valuable than anything else out there. 

Be honest.  Be who you are, and don’t pretend to like things you don’t.  You can do things you don’t love, but be honest that they aren’t your favorite things.  Continue to do the things YOU love, even if he/she doesn’t.  You must continue to have your own interests, and you don’t trade all you love for a wedding band.

Remember that no other person can ‘take’ away the love that your partner feels for you.  Jealousy has very little value, and neither does worry.  Trust in each other, but don’t be blind with your trust.  Recognize that problems start small, but get bigger when they are ignored or brushed off.  Communicate your fears, but don’t hang on to them, or constantly look for them to be realized. On the subject of trust, know this:  If you do not have trust in your partner, there is no future for a relationship.  Some people are worthy of our trust, and some are not.  Learn to distinguish one from the other and life will be much easier.

These are just a few of the things I wish I could go back and tell my 23 year old self.  I entered my first marriage believing that it could never end.  Now I think i was just too naive to know better.  We were not the best match, but we loved each other at the time.  We couldn’t stay on the same path together as we grew, and that was the beginning of our downfall. 

This time, I am marrying someone I have 100% trust in.  I know that if it doesn’t last, it will be because I didn’t continue to treat our love as something special and fragile.  It does need to be nurtured and continually renewed.  I have way more faith that this time I will be married for good.  ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 39
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee

I’m not an encore, but Fiance is.

He married his ex because he was ready to settle down, and she was willing.  Of course he loved her, but he says now that he has felt the love that he feels for me/us, he realises it was settling.

The relationship dwindled near the end because he was away with the Army for long periods of time and the love turned into friendship. She cheated on him and that was the final straw that broke the camel’s back.

A little bit of a flip side, I am 40 and was okay with never getting married, IF I never met the right man. I was okay with never having children, (and still might not be able to – who knows).  I just couldn’t settled.  None of my relationships just ‘clicked’.  I was in love, a few times, but I never had the feeling of ‘forever’ with any man except Fiance.  This shows me that through thick and thin, we have what it takes in my mind, to be married. 

Post # 40
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I am not an encore, but Fiance was ALMOST married, and in a 7 year relationship (5 years living together)

I agree with the “been together long enough; might as well” kind of relationship can make people think they SHOULD get married.They had major trust issues, jealousy, and it ended their relationship (her jealousy and breach of trust). He has talked to me about how he was “trained” to not go out with his friends (especially if there were girls there), and also knew there was somethings she was doing behind his back to get her more defensive and jealous.

We have been together 5 years, have two kids, and still act mushy like when we just met..

In our relationship, he can go out have a good time, and I can also with out jealousy or guilt. To my friends who think its really odd that I can go hang out with guy friends and him with girl friends I tell them “unless you are at the point where you can trust your patners choices and with your life, your not ready to get married.” If I had ANY doubts about his charactor I would not be getting married.

I am not saying we dont argue, but another poster was right… pick your fights, learn, let go of the petty stuff.

You will go through SO many life altering changes, and unless you both are willing to evolve, if would be hard to stay married. We had our first daughter unexpectedly, and it was the most trying time of our lives. Would have been even if married first. Fiance lost his job for a while (laid off) and that was a huge transition. We grew, we learned things about each other, and we realize even with hard life and relationship hurdles, we never wavered in loving each other.

Post # 41
Member
198 posts
Blushing bee

My ex was unfaithful and battered me. I left. The end.

Post # 42
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Actually this will be my THIRD marriage.

With the first marriage, I married too young. Getting pregnant is a piss-poor reason to get married IMO.

With the second marriage, I mistook LUST for love and sadly earned they are not the same thing.

Hopefully I will get it right this time!

 

Post # 43
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

The first time I got married, I was 21, and my husband at the time was barely 20. His parents forced us to get married (an elopment with no one there) because we had moved in together and he was in a sort of youth pastor training program at the church. He ended up being a horrible person – lying, cheating, taking people’s money – including mine and ruining my credit. After about 6 months he stopped coming home, paying the bills and moved into his office (he got kicked out of church ministry for being unfaithful to me) and tried hooking up with a girl he had a crush on in elementary school). That woman left her husband, and my estranged husband at the time was going to be with her —- then she found out she was pregnant (supposedly couldn’t get pg, and whined about never having booty with her husband….. what a joke). There are many, many other stories I could tell but that is just the jest of it. Could I have made it work? Probably, if I’d been with a decent guy. But, at 21, I hadn’t experienced enough or even knew enough about myself to make that much of a commitment. (I now know this at 28).

I never thought I would get married again, and joined the airlines to meet new people and see the world. As a flight attendant, I met my fi (who was my captain) 8 or 9 months after I started flying and we didn’t date, but really hit it off as friends. I can truly say this relationship is completely different from anything I have ever experienced before. He was married in his early 20’s to a woman who said was pregnant, then had a miscarriage before the wedding. I think both his and my marriages lasted in the 6 month range.

I’m not saying you can’t make it at 23. But, it is really hard work, life is unexpected, and I truly think one needs a healthy perspective on what a real, functioning and happy marriage is. Good luck. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 44
Member
871 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

22 when engaged, my mom practically planned every detail next thing I know I am 23 had no time to even really, really think of what I was doing. He was 6 years older, had completly different values (he lied or concealed the truth) and after we were married he treated me like a child. It was “his” money, his this, his that……but all the gifts(my family) and the 15grand cash gifts(my family) that was OURS. He became suspicious when I wanted to work, never supported my acting career and never made it a joint bank account so even when buying groceries I had to ask him for money.

 

My advise be established in life, be sure that you won’t feel trapped in the marriage, the divorce rate is 50%….get married before 25 and it shoots up to 85%. No one yell, yes I realize some lucky couples make and are happy forever. I am merely pointing out that if a couple is certain they are ready at 23 then surely at 25(or older) and established they will still be ready so why not wait 2 teeny years. Wish I had, easier to break an engagment than to go through the headache of a divorce.

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