Post # 1
Have any of you waiting bees thought about what the final straw would be for you, when you realize that despite any words he may have said, he has no intention of proposing? That moment when you say “This is it. I love you but I cannot wait for you anymore” and walk away?
I have “only” been with my boyfriend for three years, but we live together, I am in my late 20s, we are financially stable….and I am at the pont where most days I feel so antsy about our future and taking the next steps. I cannot imagine if this were to go on another two, three, or four years. It would be torture. I feel like there is always that “hope” that he will propose, but you never know for sure if he really will or if it is all just talk.
I feel like the next month and a half is really make it or break it time. There are a lot of perfect opportunities. For job reasons, I have to make a big decision at the end of January and he knows we have to figure something out before then. I feel like a proposal needs to come before then. I cannot say for sure that would be the last straw, but I think if that day comes and still nothing, no ring being made, no ring bought and in his possession, nothing, I have a feeling my patience will be paper thin and I am not sure how far beyond that point I can go.
We have made tons of progress in the last several moths…discussed rings I like, possible dates…I am thrilled for that. But I have yet to see any sign of concrete proof regarding actually saving specifically for a ring or buying a ring. Maybe he has some surprise up his sleeve, and that is the hope that gets me through, but if 2011 rolls around and nothing? I just do not know emotionally if I could take the waiting any more beyond how long I have already waited.
Post # 3
Does he know your “make it or break it” point? Because if you haven’t told him you hard and fast feelings, it seems like you’re just asking him to read your mind. There’s no sense in having a deadline if you’re the only one who knows about it. It just becomes passive aggressive at that point, and you know how far that will get you.
Post # 4
i think the general rule of thumb is that if he’s not even considering marrying you after two years of dating, he’ll probably never propose. but you need to talk to him, and you need to let him know that this is your “make it or break it” time. let him know how important this is to you.
Post # 5
@crayfish: Totally agree. The communication has to be there in order for him to not be blindsided by you. Unless you let him know that you have a deadline, I don’t think you can be disappointed when the deadline comes and goes, and there’s still no ring.
Post # 6
This makes me think of my Mother-In-Law. She told FI’s father that if she didn’t have a ring on her finger by “thisdate” she was leaving.
Post # 7
I said 6 months max. We’ve been dating for 3 years (I’m 30, he’s 33, living together for 1 year) and from early on in our relationship we knew we wanted a future together. He’s had 3 years to get his sh*t together. If he doesn’t have it together in 6 months, I need to walk away. Yes, I love him. Yes, I’d wait for him. But there comes a point when you need to start thinking realistically and your biological clock starts to tick louder and louder. If your partner isn’t taking any action in his words, then you need to find someone who wants the same things as you do, and find those things to be just as important as you do. I’m 30 years old. I can’t wait another two or three years for a proposal. Some women can though. It’s different for everyone. But in my personal opinion, why wait another three years for something that may or may not happen? And what if it doesn’t? Do you continue to be naïve and wait around for ANOTHER 3 years because he said “It will happen soon?”. Um… No. You got to look out for #1: YOU. If you want something, go for it.
I have a backup plan: Having children is extremely important to me. If I can’t find a man who does not want the same things as me, then I’ll do it on my own. This day and age… Who needs a man to have kids? (well, technically, you do. But you know what I mean).
Post # 8
I’m constantly amazed at how many times Waiting Bees are advised to “talk to him” & “let him know how you feel.”
I gotta believe that’s been done. Is there really a situation in which we haven’t talked enough about how we feel?
I think the real problem with waiting is that we surrender out happiness to someone else’s control. The cure is to take it back. Setting a deadline is one way to do that. I’m not sure how urgent it is that he know the deadline. I’m pretty sure he is well aware that the OP wants to get married. Tell him, don’t tell him, whatevs. This is not about how to make him happy, or how to be “fair”. This is about taking care of yourself.
Post # 9
Just to share my story, I was with my man for over 6 years by the time he propoes (age 19-25). I believe I had three different deadlines that he was fully aware of.. The first was end of the year, then Fourth of July, then end of the next year… and he proposed the following Fourth of July weekend. I did feel slightly weak for staying with him after the deadlines came and went, but he always told me he wanted to marry me, he was planning on proposing, xyz just needed to be in place first (debt paid off and money saved for ring). By the time he finally proposed, I WAS at the end of the my rope, and probably wouldn’t have been able to hold it together much longer.
Post # 10
I agree with @crayfish: If you boyfriend doesnt know whats going on in your mind then its harder for him. I think before you decide on a “final straw period” you need to have talked to him and given him a heads up of the time frame you have in mind, if that that passes by and he still hasnt made and efforts then you’ll know that the both of you just arent on the same page in terms of timeline
Post # 11
I completely agree with crayfish. Does he know you have a deadline?? You said your job will make you make a choice..maybe you should be prepared to make that choice. Believe me when I say, if he wants to be with you, he will find a way. I think men take alot longer to mature than woman…ALOT LONGER. They don’t think and worry like we do. Guys don’t think oh geez I better get that ring or she will leave me. If you have “talked” about marriage and the future and it is something you BOTH want, then he should be told you are at your breaking point. The way I see it is, one of two things can happen 1 He will realize that it is time to put a ring on that finger or 2 he will say he is not sure. If he says he is not sure, then you pretty much have your answer.
I was almost 21 when I met FH. He is 4 years older than me. We have been together for almost 7 years. I always thought I would eventually need to leave him even though I love him, I knew marriage was important to me. This year in July he bought me a ring (no hints, no changes in spending, no idea) and he proposed this September. Point is…I had absoultely no idea! In my mind my deadline was the 1st of the year. Men are not mind readers, some barely have a clue.
A similair story with a different outcome: My FH’s cousin Rich was with his girlfriend for 6 years. She was 7 years younger than him. She came from a huge family and always expressed her want for marriage and kids. He had ALWAYS expressed his desire to never marry or have children. He knew that one day she would eventually leave him for those things. One day she decided enough was enough and moved back in with her parents. She met a new guy and within 9 months married him. Rich was upset and even made comments that if he would have know…he was have reconsidered marriage and kids. I doubt that, but again…Guys don’t think like us.
Post # 12
I say a year, but considering his job situation I’m willing to wait maybe two more years….but that’s pushing it! LOL!
Post # 13
I think you need to give them fair advance warning.
In My Humble Opinion, I think telling a guy “you need to make a decision and propose or decide to walk away within the next 2 months” is a little unfair. Ok, granted, if he already says he knows he wants to marry you, and y’all want to get married within the next year, then maybe that’s ok just b/c of scheduling issues.
But for a guy who doesn’t yet know or may not yet be ready, I think two months is too short. I don’t think it gives them enough fair warning. And I think the result will be that it will freak them out (and I don’t think it will push them to propose at all…a man won’t propose until he’s good and ready.)
For me, just after our two year anniversary, when I realized that he didn’t yet know if I was the “one” (I already thought he “knew”, so I was crushed upon this realization), he said, “give me another 1-2 years.” Just after our 3rd anniversary, I basically told him he had another year and then we were gonna need to make some serious decisions about whether to move to the next step or not. I feel like a year warning was fair to give him time to get his shi!t together and decide what he wants. I’ve communicated with him until I’m blue in the face about wanting to have time to be married before we TTC and having time to have kids before I’m 40 b/c of health issues….and what those health issues are. Truly, when that point comes around (4+ yrs), I really don’t know what I’ll do or whether I’ll have the guts to say “now or never”. But at least I’ll know I gave him fair warning to make a decision.
Post # 14
@Gwen von D: Gwen, ITA – I.Totally.Agree with EVERY word you have said. Even the having babies if it is on my own part. Amen, sistah! 😉
to @crayfish: and everyone else who asked if I have talked to my boyfriend about it. Oh god yes…we have talked about it over and over and over again. At this point it is like beating a dead horse. He knows I want to get married now, that I have been ready and waiting for it for a long time now. I don’t know why people would think I would not discuss it with him, lol. We just have different timelines. We are in a sticky immigration situation and he knows I have to leave in a few months and the only way to stay together is to get engaged – he KNOWS this is make it or break it time. Sure, we could go back to “long distance” but neither of us wants it. I haven’t flat out said “if there isn’t a ring on it by January 1, I am done with you, brother!!!” but I have made it very clear I would like to be engaged by the new year and that I will be leaving at the end of January and he knows the decision lies with him. Trust me, he will not be blindsided…he knows how deeply important this is to me. I don’t think I am trying to rush things. It has been three years; I want to buy a house and start a family in the next couple years and I want to do that with a husband, not a boyfriend. I love him but if we do not want the same things, I cannot continue to wait forever “hoping” he will want them.
ETA: I think giving an ultimatum is kind of crappy. I would not say “put a ring on my finger by X date or I am outta here!” which is what I feel like some of you are saying. For me it is just more the fact of, I am ready now, if you need more time I understand (which we have been doing for the last year hahahaha) but now it is at the point where I cannot put my career and life on hold anymore; you need to think about it and decide what YOUR next steps are. And btw – this is not something I just brought up last week…he has known for months.
Post # 15
For me if my guy doesn’t want to get married..I’m A-OK with that. I don’t understand the pressure of getting married or why anyone would want to impose a deadline. I love him and he loves me and we have an emotional connection. We have been together coming up on 7 years of being together. We are planning on getting married in 2 years, BUT if something does happen and we don’t, it’s no biggie.
Personally I don’t think I could sit down with my guy and say “you need to propose before this date or I am going to end my relationship”. I also, personally, don’t understand how anyone can put a deadline on a relationship. Shouldn’t your love for each other just be enough? Do people view you and/or your relationship a failure if you don’t get married?
Post # 16
@sassy411: I agree, the “deadline” per say is more for me feeling like I have some control in a situation where I have no control. Like I said, it isn’t like on January 1 if there is no ring I pack up my stuff and walk out on him. I am just going to calmly say, ok, I see you are still not ready, I am going to continue with my life and kind of emotionally take myself out of the equation once we are apart again if there is no ring. Again, HE KNOWS THIS WILL HAPPEN, lol.
I hate how everyone is like “guys mature differently”…..yes that is true but come on, I get sick when I see 25, 26, 27 year old men acting like they are still children and cannot handle adult responsibility yet. When our fathers were their age they likely had kids by now and were all married. I agree people should get their s%it together before marriage career and moneywise, but my bf has all that, I think men today are just coddled so much and live in this bubble perpetuated by society that says they never have to grow up…eternal peter pans. or at least until they hit their late 30s! I sympathized with my boyfriend when he was 23, 24…yeah, he’s too young…..I am not gonna rush this…but he is 26 now…….sometimes I still think “he is too young” but I see TONS of other guys around that age getting hitched. Boyfriend or Best Friend has a stable job, lots of savings, plans to buy a house this year. How is he “too young and immature”. Do not get it. He might feel that way but at some point these guys NEED to man up.