(Closed) What would happen if you went to your partner said you want to get engaged now?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
1552 posts
Bumble bee

Every couple is different, but I would have never put DH on the spot like that. It’s his future, too.

Post # 32
Member
1294 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Technically my SO and I have been engaged since I got pregnant almost 3 years ago. We’ve always known we want to be together, but I wasn’t interested in getting remarried. We’ve become more financially stable and soon, I’m going to want another baby (in another 2 years) so it just seems like it’s “time” to finally get our shit together and move to the next step.

If I said “hey, let’s get engaged” (again) he’d tell me “I’ve already told you a dozen times, i’m doing it right and I’m getting a ring. Stop asking!” But I’m already planning our wedding because it’ll be another 2-6 months before we can get the ring he wants me to have, and 6 months to plan a wedding isn’t something I’m interested in. 

So we’re planning our wedding, but we’re not engaged. (But I totally think we are because the ring doesn’t matter to me. He just wants to show off, haha.)

He’s an incredibly patient man. I’m very fortunate.

Post # 33
Member
1294 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Oh! And a surprise engagement wouldn’t be possible, because I know every withdrawal that comes out of our checking account. Which is a bummer. I kind of like the idea!

Post # 34
Member
3109 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

I actually did say that and he said yeah sure we can get engaged and get married any time but I know you want a ring and a nice proposal and that’s what I’m working on. OP I mean no offense by this at all but if I was okay with dating for 4 years without thinking about marriage I wouldn’t be waiting either, but I’m in my 30s and know what I want and I felt ready to discuss at around 1.5 years and at that point he wasn’t quite ready yet in the sense that he wanted to buy a home first and then save up for a ring after. So now I’m ‘waiting’ but we are on the same path and want the same things. I’m just waiting because I want a ring. 

Post # 36
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
hotteatherapy:  exactly. But if he in any way made me feel insecure in waiting, or like I was on an extended audition for a ‘wife,’ I would feel very differently about the situation. 

Post # 39
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

People always say that they are waiting and have no say with their partner because the man is traditional. No offense, but that is bullshit.
Traditionally a man would not live with a woman and a man would not string a woman along for ages with no proposal. Traditionally a woman who is courted by a man would not wait 4 years plus to get engaged. Traditionally a man who had sex with a woman and didn’t marry her would be a cad.

Nope, this waiting phenomena is really quite modern.

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  jbella.
Post # 40
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
jbella: Exactly. It’s not exactly “traditional” to wait for years for a proposal. 

Post # 41
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

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doberman:  I guess my image of a traditional proposal is: they fall madly in love, date for a year, he asks her to marry him, they get engaged, they move in, get married etc. 

The whole cohabitate and date for five years isn’t very traditional no 

Post # 42
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
RoseDaisyLily:  I’d say that is definitely more traditional. I’m old school (or just old) but I remember my grandmother telling me not to live with a man before marriage and I told my daughter not to live with her then bf/now husband until they were engaged. I see too many people living together but unwilling to make a firm commitment. Invariably the woman is left hanging, waiting for the proposal that may never come. 

Post # 44
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

I forgot to mention in my post that I think it’s perfectly fine for a male or female to want to wait to be married if they are in their late teens/early 20’s. My diatrab is about the 30 something men who want their partners to just shut up while they hem and haw and call themselves traditional. They want the woman to play wife during this time and they waste a woman’s most fertile years.

 

How long to wait? That’s a good question. I would not wait more than a couple of years if I was over 30, especially if I wanted children.  I don’t think I’d wait much more than that if I was in my late 20’s either.

 

I think what annoys me is that while we know that sperm gets old too, it’s not the same as it is with women. I don’t think highly of men who string these girls in the waiting section along.  They aren’t traditional, they are man children who call themselves tradional. Well, I AM traditional and if you don’t show your intentions are the best for my wellbeing I will move on rather quickly and recommend others do the same.

Ladies waiting years and years and years really need to think about what they are giving up for these “men” and think long and hard if it’s worth it.

Post # 45
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
bluerainbow:  this pretty much happened for us, though it was more a talk about where we were going with our relationship, timelines of when we wanted kids etc. We had already talked about getting married to each other many a time before so it’s not like it was a surprise of one sided. Anyway, he wanted to do a proper proposal at a time and in a way that he chose, so we ring shopped and went from there!

We are also totally a partnership, we discuss everything with each other!

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